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2 Bumps

Is there a NICE way to tell your family that you don't care about their opinion?

Or maybe that you've made your choice and while you love them your not changing your mind?
I told my Mother that I made up my mind after a lot of research,soul searching and a lot of prayer that this next pregnancy I'm just going with a repeat c-section and I'm not going to try breastfeeding this time. She seemed hurt by that,like really hurt and I know rather then hurt it's going to be an out and out fight with DH's family because they are very back to nature people. Heck his family is more likely to hire a midwife and do it at home then to choose a c-section and I know that they can be very outspoken on many very irritating issues(His aunt is convinced that she knows the entire reason behind the rise in diabetes because she read one book).
So is there a NICE (I really mean nice) way to tell your family members to leave you alone about how you raise your kids? And how do I even begin to help my Mother understand without more hurt feelings that while I know she loved nursing my Brother and I till we were 2 and that she prides herself on delivering 2 healthy face up children that it's just not for me?

Answer Question
 
lizziebreath

Asked by lizziebreath at 12:41 AM on Apr. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (6,846 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • If you find it let me know so I can tell my MIL lol
    Lucky209

    Answer by Lucky209 at 12:43 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I think the way you worded it here is great.  Your pregnancy is your own, not anyone elses.  I'll bump you because I'm grumpy tonight and can't think of any REALLY nice way to put it.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 12:43 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Here I have a MIL who cant mind her business you can say thank you for your advice once then again make sure to tell her its my child not yours. Third if they continue just say I wont speak to you untill you understand I am an adult who can care for my child. Sorry my MIL is a wench and I had to go off on her now she shuts up
    christinahenry

    Answer by christinahenry at 12:45 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • just explain to her in a nice way that it's your choice
    kristendc33

    Answer by kristendc33 at 12:50 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Just tell them how you feel. It is your choice not theirs. My parents stay out of my raising of kids but my mil is all in it. I know she is trying to help so I listen to what she has to say and just agree. But the way we do things in or house is what me and my husband have discussed. People are going to tell you how to raise your kids but you know what is best for them.
    CherBear2529

    Answer by CherBear2529 at 12:52 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I would say absolutely, first off my energy would be in supporting my child, autism is not a death sentence, live for today and hope for tomorrow, tell them exactly how you feel.
    beleevme

    Answer by beleevme at 12:56 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Google "the bean dip approach."

    Basically, "thanks for your opinion, we've made our decision. Would you like some bean dip (or whatever else you have around)?"

    It's a change-the-subject way of saying, "this isn't up for debate."

    Can I just say that this post made me a little sad though.... I'm a crunchy momma and although I totally believe in free will and respecting parenting decisions, I know part of me is hoping some of my parenting philosophy will rub off on my daughter and she won't think it's all rubbish. I actually considered deleting this advice, but then I put myself in check. We all have to be parents to our own children so long as we aren't harming them. I feel like this is foreshadowing some feelings I may have to swallow someday.

    I guess I can see where your mom might be hurt. In your in-law family, I think the bean dip approach might be wise but...
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 1:03 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • for your mother, I think it might be better to have a heartfelt discussion about respecting and valuing the parenting decisions she made and sharing the (perhaps vulnerable and personal) reasons you have for making different ones. Maybe a letter might be better than a conversation also if you think the conversation might turn into each of you defending your choices? Anyway, a big deep breath from me and a good luck to you with your family.

    P.S. Because I keep imagining how I'd feel if you were my daughter from the future, if you don't mind sharing why those choices are "just not for you," I'd love to hear. Polite request, of course I am not demanding that you share.
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 1:06 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Bellarose- I prayed about whether or not to have a VBAC and I had a dream that it went badly in a way that I never even thought of and it's stuck with me ever since with how real it was so I took it as my answer. I'm choosing not to breastfeed because it just went so badly for me and my son with his severe allergies and that my weight was dropping too much,it was eating me fat muscles and all(I have a problem with retaining fat in the first place).So after all that I won't risk hating anymore of my children for the first three months of there life.
    lizziebreath

    Comment by lizziebreath (original poster) at 1:24 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Thanks for sharing. I couldn't tell from your reply if you felt intruded on from my question or not. I hope not. I tried to make it clear that you were free to decline to answer or ignore.

    I think a dream that paralyzes you with fear would be a pretty big blockage during birth.
    I also think that having extreme negative feelings toward your child during a breastfeeding relationship would be a major block.
    I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I just wanted to validate that you do and should have autonomy over your own body. I will argue if a woman says that breastfeeding can't be done or isn't healthier or something else, but if she says she truly doesn't want to because it would be a violation of her peace/body/relationship with her child, you can't really argue with that.

    There is donor milk (I donated to a child that was severely allergic to dairy because I am vegan) if you were ever interested in that option.

    Overall..
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 1:32 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

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