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How long did it take? Step parenting question?

So just a general question to other step-moms or step-moms to be. How long did it take to adjust to your new family life? I am sure this question seems vague, a little background, my kids are either out of the house or older teens and don't need as much interaction as they use to with me. My SO's son is young at 5 and our views on raising or how I raised my kids when they were little are quite different. I was strick on mine when they were little. Not allowing temper tantrums and trying to set rules and all to instill future ways on them. This is very opposite with him. I feel at times that he's trying to make up for the fact that he does not have him all the time. So the word "no" does not happen a lot and even if it does, a few minutes of Daddy please whining and he gives in. We have discussed this before and agree our views on raising little ones is different but I cannot help but be thoroughly irritated the whole weekend his son is here with the constant giving in SO does and complete catering to every thing asked.(and I mean EVERYTHING)

Is it wrong for me to be this upset? I try to just go with the flow on how things are and tell myself this is how it is and I should deal with it but by the time Sunday gets here, my level of patience is gone and I know outwardly I portray this irritability. I don't want to but its very hard not to be frustrated. Is there hope in sight? Help me feel like I am not the only one in this situation.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:26 AM on Apr. 18, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • There is never a time that you will not get frustrated that you and your husband are on completely different pages as far as parenting is concerned. But it's his child, so there isn't a whole lot you can do. The best you can do is to get him some parenting books and hope he reads them, or take a parenting class together. Maybe the two of you can come to a compromise on parenting. Good luck!

    Answer by missanc at 9:30 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • It might be hard for you now, but let your SO do what he will with his son. He will learn the hard way that his parenting method is not the way to go. Then have HIM re-teach his son the proper way to behave. Giving in because of guilt does the child no good in the future.

    Answer by Kari727 at 9:32 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I am a step-mom to a 17 year old, his dad and I have been married since he was 11. There are good days and bad. Our parenting techniques are totally different and this does cause lots of friction at times. I don't have a lot of authority over my stepson, never have. I try to treat him like I do my own child but I am not treated with the same respect. All I can offer in the way of advice is just to set a good example, keep doing things your way and maybe they will both learn something from it. That is what I do. Good luck with everything.

    Answer by Kelly502 at 9:56 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Your SO is the father & your have to respect how he wants to raise his son. When or if he needs your help he will come to you & just be there for him in his time of need. He can't bounce back & forth obviously, but if he ever does feel overwhelmed, try to calm the situation the best you can. It's hard to sit back & watch people do things that you feel is a mistake, but sometimes you have to not be incontrol of every situation. ya know? Your SO will learn what parenting methods work best for him and his son. You should be a playmate & only tell him what to do when he's in harms way or when you already know your SO's answer. Try to enjoy the time that you don't have to be the "bad guy" and tell a child what to do :) Good Luck !!

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 10:07 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I agree with the poster who said to try to get him to go to parenting classes with you, or go to counseling together. Even though you are a 'step' parent, you are a parent, and you should have input in raising his child. You will be his 'step' mother hopefully for the rest of his life. If he doesn't want the two of you to have a difficult relationship forever, now while his son is only 5, he needs to get a handle on things. Yes, if if he continues raising him the way he is now, he will have more trouble later....unfortunately, he won't deal with the consequences alone, you both will.

    Tell him you love him and want to have a good relationship with his son as well, will he help you to have a better relationship by going to a class or counseling together? Do your research on possible programs before you approach him.

    Good Luck!

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:01 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I have been a stepmom for the last few yrs starting when child was 5 now child is dh sounds just like yours giving in to whaterver..I saw things pretty much the way you do..lets just say all his babying and giving in has really really blowed up in his face in the last its to late to try and correct sd has lived with us the whole time her moms rights are terminated..i have been furious with things more than one my op you two need to sit down discuss what you are willing to tolerate..set your rules..and go from there

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:03 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • To the last poster "anonymous" ....boy do I wish we could talk on here. I have tried the discussion thing with nothing helping or even getting a little better. Just sometimes feel at a loss and really upset at how things go. Ty for your response.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:48 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • i have two step daughters they use to visit when they were 3 amd 5 we had the same problems but i also had younger kids w/him and mine had to follow the rules but his didn't he always said because he didn't want them to not want to come back. i feel that all kids need rules or it will get alot worse as they get older. maybe the two of you could try to sit down and agree on some rules that you both can live with. my step kids are now 11 and 9 and they have lived with us for 2 years because there mom passed away.i treat them as my own kids but we often have the same problem he feels bad that there moms gone so they get away with things that mine wouldn't, and we still fight about it. i've told him we need to sit down together and do the same thing. My sister use to play games w/our parent's because my dad let her get away with anything so when she turned 15 she would run from house to house depending on who tried to dicipline

    Answer by wells2811 at 2:14 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

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