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2 Bumps

Is this domestic abuse? Sorry, long.

I have been watching Dr. Phil's specials on domestic abuse, and I am wondering what you ladies think about this situation.

My friend considers herself a victim of domestic abuse, and whenever she is speaking to battered women she acts like her situation is just as bad or worst than theirs. Basically, one day she was screaming at her husband ( a daily/hourly occurance) and she told him she was leaving him, taking their three kids, and he was never going to see them again. He was very upset, as any parent would be in that situation, and pushed her. She fell backwards into a chair and was not hurt. She called the police and they had him get a hotel room for the night. They did not think it was even worth a police report, never mind him spending a night in jail. She left him that day, took the kids and moved in with her parents. Now, she talks about domestic abuse as if he beat the Hell out of her every day throughout their entire marriage, and that was the only incident that ever happened.

What do you ladies think? Do you think she is trying to get attention? She didn't have a bruise, scratch, or other mark on her. Oh, yeah, he did, but the police officers thought the fact that he was a guy and she was a small woman made that funny. They actually made fun of him for it. Do you have to have a mark on you for it to be domestic violence? They were always having vocal battles, very loud on both sides, but it was always pretty even...I don't know, but I DO know that one of our other friends WAS abused by her husband and she is offended by her comments. I didn't know what to say to her....

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on Apr. 18, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • There is a such thing as verbal and mental abuse. In any event, it's a bad marriage that needs to end NOW.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:40 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Your other friend should not feel offended. Noone knows what goes on behind close doors. Our family appeared as the perfect happy family because my husband expected it that way or else. I was slammed against walls, choked and pushed many times. I never had any bruises, but my soul was shattered. Most people seen me walking around acting very happy, but I hated going home because it was a daily battle. People didn't believe he could do this when the cops took him away because of how he acted with others. Many times the men come off as very charming to the outside world and very harsh to their families. Looks are decieving so please let your friend know it could happen. The other one may be blowing it up to be something more than it is, but noone can judge if they weren't there.
    TwinkleLites

    Answer by TwinkleLites at 3:49 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Just because you other friend put up with it for "years" before getting out of her situation, doesn't make her more of a victim, it just defines her situation as different. Maybe your "better friend" is really upset that this other woman was able to get out of her situation more quickly and isn't ashamed to talk openly about it. Abuse makes you feel weak and helpless, so to see a really strong woman coming out of a similar situation can be intimidating. Consider that.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 3:55 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Sounds like they are abusing each other, and equal in blame.. While I believe that no man should ever put his hands on a woman, there are many women in this world who will instagate a fight with a man til it is pushed past the point of control, a man has just as much right to defend himself from a woman, without hurting her, as she does from him.. But society today sees that only a man is capable of extreme abuse, when in reality women are just as bad when it comes to domestic violence as men, it's just not reported by men.. I do not say this because I've never been abused, quite the opposite.. My ex broke 3 of my ribs cracked my jaw and tried to kill me 3 times.. I do know.. Physical emotional mental verbal, none of it is right, none of it is easy to get over either.. And I know women who throw things at men slash their tires cut up all their clothes burn all their things get physical or just attack men verbally. Still abuse.
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 4:02 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • There are some really good answers on here! But, I'm just going to put in my two cents worth. My former son-in-law never physically hurt my daughter or grandaughter. He openly chased and dated other women - even bringing them back to the house during the day while my daughter was at work. Lied to her about it. Took other women to office parties and house parties. Had profiles on dating sites and proclaimed to be single. Didn't come home some nights because - you guessed it - he was out with other women. In the meantime, my daughter thinks it is because of something wrong with her? She must have done something to make him behave this way? I ask you - is this abuse? (by the way, he's doing the same thing to his second wife) Abuse comes in many different forms ladies! Does that give anyone the right to exaggerate? No - but, if I don't see it, how do I know what is real or not?
    mrslabel

    Answer by mrslabel at 5:06 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Yes its abuse. It doesn't matter if she had marks. No one should ever have to worry about someone else pushing them. Bring pushed that one time could cause her trauma. For all you know she could truly be afraid that he will do something again and that next time it will be worse. I am really surprised that the police did not do anything. Pushing, shoving, hitting of any kind is abuse. If there was not a mark they should have had her go to the police department where she could give her statement, and then arrest him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • i personally think she's just trying to get attention
    mamawilbur

    Answer by mamawilbur at 3:39 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I think there is a lot that goes into these situations. Who knows what was really going on behind closed doors... I'd ignore her, let her tell her story...
    BabyBugsmama

    Answer by BabyBugsmama at 3:41 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Yes it is domestic abuse. Even if there is no marks. Sometimes it's the ones you don't see that hurt the worse. He had to right touching her even though she was saying that stuff. She shouldn't act like she is beaten. For all you know she was and she just never said anything to you because it sounds like you wouldn't believe her. Verbal and emotional abuse is far worse in my opinion. It takes longer to heal. Until you have been in any abusive relationship you never really understand.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 3:42 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I don't think you can apply different levels or comparisons to people's experiences with domestic abuse. Any time someone shoves, hits, screams at, puts down, or otherwise hurts someone emotionally or physically, it is abuse. If she screamed at him, she abused him. If he shoved her, he abused her. Many times there is a reciprocal series of actions between a man and a woman. But, think of it this way. Women have historically and are currently subjugated by men. We live in a patriarchal society. While women can be just as guilty as men for domestic abuse, the actions of men are usually an exercise in power. So, on a societal level, any time a man engages in these behaviors, he is reinforcing the power differential. Whether or not you believe your friend is seeking attention or exaggerating her situation, she has still been a victim of domestic violence.
    beshka76

    Answer by beshka76 at 3:42 PM on Apr. 18, 2011