Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

In need of guidance

I need help, I lost my finance 16 years ago tragically he was killed, but on the night he was killed we had a horrible argument which I wish I could take back, our last words were f you and f you too.....I have since married and have two beautiful children, but I cry almost once a week because I miss him soooooo much and I never had the chance to say I am sorry and I love him. He was my soulmate, the love of my life. He was my everything my first true kiss, sexual experience and the father of the first child I lost. He comes to me in my dreams all of the time especially to say I am sorry. I have woke up several times crying and my husband asks whats wrong and I tell him I had a bad dream. Last night he came to me again I did not see his face but we talked by phone and I made him promise to call me back and I woke up. I am so scared that the dreams will stop and I wont get to see him or talk to him any longer. I can see him so vividly in my dreams he always tells me how much he loves me and will I marry him. I have been to therapy but I feel they just want to bill my insurance company and putting me on medication that I don't want. If anybody knows how to help me or at least know what I am going through I would appreciate it. I can't talk to friends or family because they do not understand they just tell me life goes on, but if they only knew what I am going through I don't think they would give me the advice they have given. I am crying writing this because my heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it, now I understand when they say people die of a broken heart because for the last 16 years I feel like there is just a band aid on a gunshot wound which is my heart and my husband does not know how I feel, and I am scared of him every finding out about it. He knows about the situation but he thinks I have moved past this situation.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Apr. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I think you need to forgive yourself and realize that everyone makes mistakes.


    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 4:59 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I would encourage you to try counseling again until you find someone who is compassionate and a good listener. It can take several tries to find someone good. Make it clear you do not want meds. You could also try writing your feelings in a journal and keep it up weekly, at least. The other thing to try is browsing in a good bookstore or your libray for books on grief. There are many and they can offer many insights and help. I wish you all the best. hug

    Answer by elizabr at 5:02 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I am so sorry. *hugs*
    I didn't have my ex die but our relationship did. It hurts so much, I still wish he could change and we could be together.It is going to hurt for the rest of your life. Maybe try opening up to your SO now, I think that would really help.Say your goodbyes to your ex.... go visit his grave or where ever he is. I think you just need to really try to get over it. f you need to cry, it's ok. GL momma!

    Answer by June_Mama09 at 5:03 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • talking to someone will probably be your best bet!

    Answer by June_Mama09 at 5:05 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I don't know if my situation is the same. I had a bf 10 years ago. It didn't end so great between us but I had a lot of feelings for him. On Oct 31 he hanged himself. I was so upset. I was his last gf and I know that he liked me but he was under enormous pressure from his mom and dad not to be with me. Anyway I know that what happened was not my fault and I was sad about it for a long time. The way I see it. I am meant to be where I am. God wants me to learn from what I have been through. I try to think about it that way. I can't say goodbye to him but I don't want to spend the rest of my life mourning him. I have my dh who loves me dearly. I owe it to him to love him in the here and now. I won't deny what I felt but that is over. I am glad to have known him. I hope that is helpful.

    Answer by Autumn07 at 5:09 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • If your dh now understands what you have gone thru....I would write your ex a letter. Pour it all out. I know he will never be able to "read" it but I believe he already knows your hurt and has forgiven the words. Now it is time to forgive yourself. Put a picture in your mind of him holding your dear little one you lost - knowing tht they are together.

    Answer by brypmom at 5:09 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years this year and he is not the type of man I could talk to about this, I can talk to him about anything EXCEPT another man and especially the man I considered my soulmate getting ready to marry 2 years before we got married and madly in love with. I went to his grave two weeks after he died and dropped to my knees and cried so hard for about 30 mins and I swore I would never go back and I haven't, I don't even call his mother because he was an only child and hearing her voice would be too much for me to bear. I lost my first set of twins by this man, I morn them as well because we made those babies together and lost them at 20 weeks he was right there with me when they came and left our lives. I love my husband and I know he loves me I wish I could give him my all but I don't think I will ever be able to do it. This man comes to me in my dreams to say I am sorry and I luv you

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:21 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • well my aunt and i were just discussing her situation today she lost her husband 5yrs ago to sudden death and he was dead sittin up in his chair and she thought he was sleepin so she just left him there so it was all kinda a weird situation and some guilt maybe she could have saved him if she found out right away or something and she was told to try a goodbye letter and she seems to think it will help her maybe you could write a goodbye and a sorry letter all in one and just know you will be together again someday gl with it

    Answer by flipper4u21 at 5:57 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.