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What would you do if your child suddenly turned violent?

We have a relatively large family, 9 children, all under 16 except for my eldest who is 17. Her personality changed dramatically recently, she is often violent towards me and her younger brothers and sisters. She used to be the calmest person ever but now I am scared to live around her, I am pregnant with my 10th and last child and I actually worry for the baby sometimes when she gets angry. She's thrown things and screams a lot. We have strict discipline and she has curfews and we will not back down on anything, while she lives under our roof it's our rules. Every little thing seems to set her off. I've taken her to the doctors to check drugs and to check for any mental/hormonal issue but none have been found. I am not willing to put my children in danger from her anymore btu at the same time she's my daughter and I love her. I'm honestly scared and my husband doesn't believe it properly becasuse she never does it when she's around.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on Apr. 18, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • Well, you did what I was going to suggest- check her for drug use, a hormone imbalance, etc. Does she say why she gets pushed over the edge? Is there another family member she could stay with temporarily until you figure out the mystery? Is something going on at school? God love you for trying to get her the help she needs & I hope you get to the bottom of it soon. You have your hands full girl! GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:28 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • So sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I acted out as a teen when people blamed me for not doing things right. It seemed they wanted me to be like everyone else and I just couldn't do that. Not that I wanted to do bad things by any means. I just had different ways of handling situations. My brother was the idea child in front of my parents, but I was the more outspoken one so I got in trouble all the time. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and your child and see what is really going on. You have to totally listen and not judge or compare to other kids. Dont' ask why she acts that way, ask her how you can make it okay to be her. If my parents had done that I would of been happy to share. However, they never stopped complaining or comparing. Some of us just can't sit back and be pushed as we were made to be leaders. As an adult I have no issues anymore as I can finally be who I was meant to be.
    TwinkleLites

    Answer by TwinkleLites at 5:28 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • YOur hands won't be so full if you realize each child is different then another and while one will handle discipline, another may need to be disciplined in a different way. My kids both were discipline according to how they were as people. While my youngest seemed the perfect child, she often went behind my back and lied. My outspoken one just felt she was blamed for everything and let everyone know about it. I learned to treat them differently. Both don't get the same punishment but it is totally equal. If I told the younger one to sit in time out she did, but the older one used it to just fall asleep, so it didn't work with her. All of this can be worked out very easily by accepting her and asking how she really sees thing are in your home. Remember listen and let her speak until she is done. NO INTERUPTING! Sorry but that will only set her off again. Speaking from experience.
    TwinkleLites

    Answer by TwinkleLites at 5:33 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Do you spend time with her doing things she likes? Do you guys talk about things? Does she come to you with problems? Does she have her own space- or at least somehwere that she can be alone for a bit if she needs it?
    You say you have strict rules and I wonder if maybe you should mellow a bit- (not knowing what they are it's hard to say though)

    Good for you for checking about drugs and mental health.
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 6:15 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • Try anger management counseling for her. Talk WITH her about why she is so violent lately. She could be feeling overwhelemd with another sibling on the way. She could be scared of becoming an adult. There could be something going on at school. Spend time with just her.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 6:53 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • It sounds like her anger issues are with you. Perhaps she's upset bc you seem to make your life soley as a babymaker. A lot of young women don't want that kind of person mentoring them and teaching them that's all their value in life is. Talk with her about her anger. Ask her how she feels about you having ten children. I'm not bashing you. I'm just saying she probably is disappointed with your life's choices and thinks she's doomed to the same thing. Maybe she thinks with so many other mouths to feed she's being pushed out of the loop. As the oldest do you make her your personal babysitter? Will she have to do without going to college over your choices? I can see where she'd have serious issues. Discuss it and actually listen to her so she can learn to deal with her anger. I bet she thinks you won't listen anyway.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:21 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • I hate it when people presume we use her as a babysitter or she couldn't go to college or she has no freedom. We decided to have this many children and we have a giant support system of adult family who live literally next to us. I do not and never will condone people who use their children as babysitters. She is the only child allowed to stay up until the late hours with me and we had a very close relationship. I'd say I gave her more attention than the others if anything. She has babysat twice to my knowledge and both times been paid. I think the number of children I have has absolutely no bearing on who I am as a person and what I teach her. Yes, I love children and we are religious BUT I have higher education and was once the sole breadwinner for the house. I am not a typical baby-making machine and even if I was you shouldn't pre-judge. I'm asking for advice, not that.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:28 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • that a good question.. my daughter is 17, and idk how i would deal with her behaving that way.. no wait, she'd be grounded til she turned 18.. or explained herself.. better be good though.. idk sometimes kids are just moody..
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 12:26 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I can see what that reply was trying to say, and I agree with her. I'm sorry you felt threatened or attacked in any way, as that was clearly not her intention. I think she was just saying to consider your daughter's perspective, and she threw some ideas out there as to what could possibly be in your daughter's mind. If you see her relationship to you and to her siblings in her eyes, you might get some insight into the whyfore in her outbursts. Don't take it personally, you live your life according to your choices and you don't need to defend that to anyone. But you ought to consider what your daughter feels about it, how your life and choices affect her, and why she might feel this recent discontent in her life. The most important advice IMO is to open a discussion and then listen. Intently. And with an open heart and an open mind.
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 12:36 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • sorry i have no clue
    mommyof3-2008

    Answer by mommyof3-2008 at 12:08 PM on May. 20, 2011

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