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If you are the custodial parent, do you think it is your job to make visitation easier for the non custodial parent?????

My ex seems to think so. I send my DD to his house (on the rare occasion he actually makes his visitation) in a nice play outfit and snack for when she is there (as he can't be bothered to remember what she is allergic to). He is also constantly asking me to send over toys (since he sees her so rarely that she outgrows the toys within a few visits). I always tell him no because the one time I send over toys, half were not returned and the other were broken or missing pieces. Well last time he came (about 2 months ago) he told me that he wanted to take her out and so I "need to send her in a nice outfit". I told him that I will send her in play clothes, as he lets her get so messy, and if he wants her to wear something nice, he can go to the store and buy a nice dress and nice shoes and whatever else. Now to be clear, I don't send her in rags or anything usually a pair of cute shorts (fit no holes, stains or anything like that) and a cute shirt (again no holes, rips, stains etc). Am I wrong for that? I just feel like it's not my job to provide everything for his visit. It's not like this is babysitting.

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Asked by JLS2388 at 10:05 AM on Apr. 19, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • My job as custodial parent is to make visitation easier for my children. If that means sending clothes, toy, or anything else then I do that to make THEIR life as normal as possible.

    Answer by missanc at 10:08 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • NO! The courts set it up, if he doesn't like it HE can take it up with the courts. He shouldn't have been such a fuck up and let it come to this. ugh! Sorry, recently divorced.. grr, H-A-T-E him right now. He needs to have things for the kids at his house and be in charge of things when they are with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • missanc, I do want things easier for my DD but if I send toys over there, we won't get them back and then she won't be able to play with them at home. I send her in an outfit (she is only there for a couple hours) if he wants something special though, he needs to buy it

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:11 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I had the same problem - my ex mad my kids change clothes out of what they are wearing and then sent them home in his old clothes that are too small for them and kept the clothes I sent that are the right size, he kept their toys at his house, etc. I sent him an email every time it happened asking for the kids toys/clothes back and cc'd it to my email address. I kept a copy of them and when we went to court I gave the email log to the judge - made him look like a jerk and it's now in our court order that he HAS to provide things for the kids when they are at his house.

    Answer by missanc at 10:18 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • My job is to make life easier for my child. I love them more than I hate their dad. It is just toys and clothes so at the end of the day if sending both makes life easier for them I will do what I have to. My kids already had to suffer the loss of having mom and dad full time when we divorced I won't compond things and make it harder on them. Kids are not as resiliant as many think they are. They need mom and dad to get along even when they are seperated. I hate my ex but my kids have no clue. I never talk him down and I am very nice to him when we are around. It sucks he is a jerk about things but I will suck it up for my kids.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • Perhaps dad can provide toys and special clothes for his own home. That is fair and reasonalbe. Remember that your child is watching all of this and if she gets wind that one parent is *against* the other, she will turn it in on herself and start acting out. You and dad will feel this hard in her teens. I am sorry, I know it may seem like an impossible situation.

    Answer by ochsamom at 10:22 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • technically it probably is more like babysitting.. you just have a sucky babysitter.. pack a small bag with an outfit not usually worn but sstill cute and decent and a few toys your dd doesnt play with.. that way if they do or dont come back it doesnt matter.. it is about your daughter being taken care of, and it is your responsibility to make sure she has what she needs.. its only gonna be as hard as you make it..

    Answer by girlglow6 at 10:23 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • My dd doesn't have toys she doesn't play with nor does she have nice clothes she doesn't wear.

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • We are noncustodial to my SD.. We always provide clothing here...

    But, I know that in a lot of instances, custodial parents are supposed to send clothing for every other weekend visitation...Usually noncustodial are only required to keep their own clothing if they have close to 50/50 or 60/40. The argument is that they pay support to provide for the child, and clothing is part of that, so it should be provided (again, *I* feel that each parent should provide their own...)

    Answer by laird6372 at 10:27 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • Yes, it IS my job to make visitation easier. It's not about my ex, it's about my son.

    Answer by layh41407 at 10:33 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

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