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3 Bumps

Snooping, please no bashing just helpful advice

So a little background on me...men have treated me like crap my entire life. Was married to an abusive man for a long time, only good thing that came out of that was my wondeful children. I found out years later he had cheated on me with 2 of my so called friends. After the divorce I had my fair share of crappy dating, deceiving men etc etc. All that made me very sceptical of course. Well I met a wonderful man, thank god. He's good to me, great family man and we're starting a great life off together.

Here inlies my issue. Trust of course. Deep in my heart I do not believe he's a cheater, he's just not the type. A few instances came up where we were sitting at the table asking one another who are contacts were in our cell phones. I had one old sports coach's name in mine that he asked me to delete, so I did. He had one female contact, that he was "sort of" friends with in his single days(little side note, she was a stripper, he use to go to strip clubs when he was single versus going to reg bars). He deleted the number, told me they were only friends , that he was not interested in her, just that in his times of going to those places, they had talked a few times etc. He also told me that since we had been together, she texted him once and he told her he was involved now with me and could not talk to her anymore. I was glad he told me but in the same instance with my insecurities, I wonder from time to time if she had ever contacted him again and he just didn't tell me not to get me mad.

So heres the bad thing on my part, I snoop. Yes I admit it, I snoop in his cell phone when he leaves it. I have not found anything bad, one time on his birthday a numbe texted him happy birthyday that was not in his contacts, he replied with who is this, the person said it doesnt matter, and then he just said ok, thank you and that was it. He never told me about it, but as I saw he also didn't continue on with the texts either. Oh so in all my insecure snooping I came across 2 contacts he has listed at the end with no names, numbers are not listed and where their names are, are either puncuation marks or periods.

So my question is, how can get over my past insecurities to stop this? What should I think of the 2 contacts, sort of hidden? I have found nothing else, nor seen anything else to think he is doing anything bad, but I just feel so pessimistic and hard to believe I actually found a good man. Help me please, if he is the "one" I don't want to keep feeling this way and I really do want to stop my insecure snooping, I know its wrong.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:25 AM on Apr. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (23)
  • Don't make a problem out of something that isn't. sometimes I go to save a number in my phone and hit the wrong key and end up just giving up because i am so flustered with it. as long as you didnt find any texting of question leave it!
    zoejains_momma

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 10:28 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I think you need to relax sweetie, and maybe try counseling. Make a date night together each week so you can gain eachothers trust
    June_Mama09

    Answer by June_Mama09 at 10:28 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I think you may need counseling. Not trying to be mean or anything.
    babygirl0782

    Answer by babygirl0782 at 10:30 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • First of all you have got to stop,, if he has given you no reason not to trust him, you shouldn't be snooping,, I sometimes add a number to my phone without a name when I am in a hurry, You might want to visit with a counselor about your trust issues, but it seems like you have a good man, so just BELIEVE you deserve it!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:30 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • All I can say is that you're going to drive yourself nuts. He sounds like a decent guy so just stop your destructive behavior.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 10:31 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I put my poor DH through MY trust issues for a short time, and I soon realized how unfair it was. I know its extremely hard, and you cannot just simply get over it even if those trust issues have nothing to do with it. So, do you think his phone would be where you could get to it if he had something to hide? Even so, he'd have it password protected if he didn't want you in it for one reason or another. And the fact that you did snoop and see the happy bday text and he had no clue who it was and left it alone I think is a good sign. You are going to worry yourself to a break-up though!
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 10:32 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • Admitting is the first step, you must heal and move on before you can trust again.

    Remember ever man is not the same, Therapy is really the only way. You kept going into abusive relationships which meant you were insecure to begin with, I wouldn't bad mouth you. You sound like a smart lady, knowing your mistakes now it is time to fix them...Yes, it is possible. In my case I am learning a lot about my self through therapy and it is a long process but with help and faith I can do it and so can you...

    We are suppose to support one another as woman and I am here if you need to chat. My therapist is wonderful, which it took many before I found the right one, she directs me and helps me.. I will hopefully be with my man and marry him soon. I don't know what i am seeking, he is a really good man and is doing what ever it takes to get me back but it is a struggle, partly because of me...
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 10:32 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • I agree that you will greatly benefit from counseling.
    older

    Answer by older at 10:32 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • Counseling might help you a lot to overcome your insecurities. Take your time and let the relationship develop and see where it goes. Practice reliable birth control so it doesn't get complicated even further right now. GL
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 10:34 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

  • if i don't want to put a name in my contacts, i'll just save it as a number and i think thats just his way of remembering who's who without putting a name on it. If its a girl, he remembers the time you wanted to go through each other's phones and deleted unimportant pple from it and is worried you will find out its a girl so he didnt put a name on it, he put a dot or whatever and doesnt want to explain to you who it is. thats my opinion on that but i dont want you to worry because of my comment you have to find out yourself.

    you have every right to be worried about him as your past relationships were crappy but smothering him might make things worse and drive him to do things.
    americansugar80

    Answer by americansugar80 at 10:37 AM on Apr. 19, 2011

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