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How can I help my husband to get over the pain of his past ?

I bothers me to know that my husband is struggling with issues from his first marriage. They were in the process of getting a divorce when she died of breast cancer. They were seperated and was not living together. He married me four years later, convincing me that he was emotionally ok HE'S NOT ! And it affects everything ! sex ect.... you name it. I sometimes feel that he takes his anger out on me that he has torward her because you can't confront someone who has passed away. My husband will not admit to anything (he's in denile) and he is full of selfish pride. That still does'nt change reality.

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Asked by kepping_it_real at 2:42 PM on Dec. 2, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • You are making excuses for him treating you like crap. You imagine their marriage as a tragic fairy tale and are waiting for that magic fairy godmother to reveal the key to him being Prince Charming again. Back up a sec... they were getting divorced. I'm sure he still felt pain about her death, but I think it is not your husband that's in denial but you. Did he tell you he is anguishing over her death and angry about it? Apparently not since he won't "admit" to it. Perhaps he doesn't admit to that because it's not true. Please let go of your illogical and self-indulgent fantasies and listen to what he tells you is the problem and just worry about you acting right and not putting words in his mouth and things might change.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:47 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • i have to agree

    Answer by moki1984 at 3:02 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • My dh has issues from the past as well he doesnt deal with. His son died at a week old. We both had issues in fact and ended up splitting up for a few months while we were dating to get our heads on straight. He was selfish and what not as well. After a few months apart he had a whole new attitude and appreciated me for me. He still has quiet times and bad times like his sons birthday. But he doesnt treat me badly, he knows if he did he would be out on his butt. If your dh continues to have issues maybe you can try marriage counseling and independant counseling for him. But with his former wife having been dead so long that anger stage should be long over.

    Answer by gemgem at 3:18 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • Hard to get a man out of denial but at some point you are going to have to bring him around to realizing she's dead and you are not and you deserve to be treated better. It almost sounds like he's punishing you for being alive. He needs to see and appreciate you for the living wonderful person you are before he wakes up one day and you are gone as well. I just watched a great movie on DVD with Kevin Bacon in it called Rails and Ties about a man in denial. He almost lost out on spending quality time with his wife over it. I have some medical conditions and I tell my SO let's not waste the time we have bc I don't want him beating himself up on the time we lost when I'm gone. None of us know when we're leaving this place called life. We should embrace each day like it was our last.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:28 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • My husband died suddenly from an accident when we were separated. This was some 25 years ago and I felt tremendous guilt for years. I was the one who wanted to be separated. We had gotten married when we were very young. No children. We had only been married for 4 years. I ended up having a series of very bad relationships because I was so messed up with guilt and my own denial. I finally got a good therapist and I am happy for the first time in a beautiful relationship. You see, I knew I was messed up back then but I did not know how to fix it. My perceptions and self-sabotaging behavior were the only ways I knew how to cope. I also had a lot of anger and felt unlovable.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:03 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • continued...: I had to learn to forgive myself and let go of the past. Maybe he has not been able to do that yet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:04 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • The Anon above is exactly right

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:09 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • It sounds like he needs to talk to a professional.


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:33 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

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