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4 Bumps

How would you present this to boyfriend's Mom?

My daughter went to bf's house and was upstairs in his room, the "TV room" for hours. Mom wasn't home, but Dad was and she said "My husband was watching them". My DD told me she was downstairs in the room next to where Dad was, watching his sports. So, lied to me and I called her on it.
This violates our house rules where she is not allowed in any bedrooms, and needs to be on the same floor as other family members. She and I had a huge argument/debate about trusting her and about house rules no matter what. Putting the cart before the horse...future goals, etc. His Mom doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong, but I asked her if we could meet for coffee and chat. Funny, when my daughter was leaving the bowling alley last night his mom says, "Be good!" I'm not sure how to frame this issue so as not to alienate her, but this is her son's first girlfriend, and I don't think she has a clue. She is quite religious. Her son is no angel, I assure you, from the clues that have been "left around". (and neither is my dd, but again, this wouldn't happen at our house) I think he wants my dd to go as far as she will let him. I don't think Dad climbed those stairs to check on them much that day....How can I voice my concerns to this Mom gently, but effectively so she doesn't get defensive?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:30 AM on Apr. 20, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (15)
  • I have teenage boys and what I tell other moms is when they are in my house, its my rules. If you dont like them, dont send the girl over. End of story. Most moms I know with teenagers are the same way. You cannot dictate to another mother how she runs her household, no more then you would want her to tell you how to do things in your home. If you dont like how things are being done, then dont send her is my best advice. No good can come of confronting someone, even if your intentions are good. She quite likely will see it like this. I know I would.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:34 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • As a parent of 4 boys no matter how you voiced it I think my answer would be "keep your daughter at home. She will not be coming back to my house." Just my first reaction to your question, maybe later today I would have a different answer.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 8:35 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Don't let her over there. You can't control THEIR house rules, all you can do is not allow her over there if they have different rules that contradict your own.

    If i were in your shoes, that would be the last time my DD went to her boyfriends house. The next time she went over there, she'd be an adult...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:38 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I agree. You are just as responsible sending her over there knowing your rules won't be respected. However, with that said, when I went to counseling over my 13 yr old getting pregnant while visiting her bf's house (with the mom there), the counselor said kids will find a way no matter what rules you set down.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:45 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I wouldn't even bother talking to her about it. I would just make sure that my daughter did not have another opportunity to do what she did that day. Keep her at home. Tell her she has proven that she is not trustworthy and therefore you do not trust her and she will not be leaving your watchful eye for a very long time.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:47 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I think you owe the kids and his parents another chance by speaking to the mother and letting her know how you feel. Don't degrade their differences, just state what is done at your house and why. Ask if they would be willing to follow those guidelines, if No, then you have your answer. Don't let her go back over there. No need to put your DD at risk to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 8:49 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • As some moms have pointed out, you cant dictate the rules in their house- but you CAN voice your concerns about them being alone in an upstairs bedroom & what could come from that! My boys were never allowed to have girls in their rooms & I can assure you that the same rule will apply to my dau when it comes to boys! Call me old fashioned, but I dont believe we should make things any easier for them in this dept.! I dont want to be a G-ma any time soon! I think visits should be in your home only from now on if you dont get some agreement from his parents on this issue. GL!
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 8:50 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I agree you can't tell another mother what to do in their house. I also understand not letting her go over there is an option, although she might start lying to you just so she can see her boyfriend. Kids do find a way not matter wha the rules are. I think the key is talking to her and letting her know what you expect of her. I tell my kids I would hope that you make good decicions and wait to have sex, although if you don't then you need to know XYZ. It would be nice to say we can control our kids all the time, but we can't. We aren't with them 24 hours a day and as they get older they start being more and more independent.

    I think you have to trust that you taught her well. Also if you start controlling everything then she might not talk to you anymore. She might hold things from you and then if she does get into trouble she won't come to you. Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 8:50 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I am in agreement with the others, it is not your place to tell the other mom what to do in her house or ask her to enforce your rules. You could ask her if she does have any rules in place or ask where the tv's are, where the kids hang out at her house, and how often they are looked in on.
    I have 3 boys --they are not into dating yet-- but when they are I do plan to make my rules known-- NO being alone in bedrooms, and their activities monitored and supervised.
    If you really feel the other house does not properly supervise the kids, then maybe you should make your house their 'hang-out' and allow him at your house-- where you can keep an eye on things.
    Good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 9:16 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • It may violate YOUR house rules, but it apparently didn't violate THEIR house rules. Since you have an issue with it, do not allow your daughter over there again. End of story. It isn't your job to enforce YOUR house rules in other people's houses. They have their own house rules.

    Instead, don't allow your child over to a house where you know their values don't match up with yours.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 9:39 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

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