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How can I get through this difficult time?

I need some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for less than one. Recently, we had a fight where he said I wasn't treating his kids right. They are kids from a previous marriage. Boys - 8 and 11. Their mother isn't in the picture and their dad has full custody because the state took them away from her. That means they live with us full time. My husband and I have never had an us, it's always been an me and them kind of situation. I constantly struggle for his attention with them. I tried stepping in and filling the mother role for them since they never really had one that was there. All this has done is filled me with resentment and anger. I feel terrible for having these kinds of feelings, but I need someone to tell me that what I am feeling is okay. Also that I am not the only one that feels this way. Somewhat like a stranger in their own home. Any advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, or just anything would be appreciated.  I do want to add to this that we haven't had custody of them forever, only for the last 3 years.  Their mother was in the picture for alittle bit but we had to cut that because she was doing more harm to them than good.  The 11 year old and I don't seem to have problems, it's more the 8 year old who seems to just do everything he can to exploit any crack he finds.  It's drives me insane.  That might be why I'm feeling this way - kind of like his father doesn't realize his own son is sabatoging his new marriage.

 
7kNO1fan

Asked by 7kNO1fan at 9:51 AM on Apr. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (7 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • you're not the first person to feel this way, and what you're feeling is normal, you are not a bad person, BUT you all should go to family counceling. That's not a healthy pattern and it's not going to gert better on it's own. GL
    gypsymama532

    Answer by gypsymama532 at 9:58 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Your feeling are valid in my opinion. I also feel your not the only one going through this with step kid's. Ask the hubby what treating the kids IS supposed to mean so you will know what he expects of you when it comes to being a stand in parent. Your hubby also needs to realize your a family unit now and your not going to let his kid's just have their way all the time. Tell him what your expectations are and how you think a parent should act and what the rules should be. As far as attention goes. Try and get a sitter so you can have one on one time with the hubby.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 9:57 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • a continuation: but tag your it.. you have to find a way to integrate yourself into an already made family, or bow out gracefully, there is no competion between you and children only the jealousy that comes from not being the center of his affection, but you may not ever be the center of his life, his children should always come first, I do not say this to be mean, I say it because I am a single parent of 2 in a relationship, and have the same issues, and I've said these same things to my SO. There has to be a willingness on your part as well as his to find the balance between children/husband/wife separateness and togetherness.. it isnt easy at all. I've been struggling to find the same balance now for almost 3 years. your feelings while not invalid, are at the very least comparable to how his kids probably feel too. there has to be an open line of communication and a great deal of patience and understanding to make it work.
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 11:27 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I am assuming you have no other kids than his, with that in mind, there will never completely be just a you and him.. he's a package = him an his kids.. the fact that you resent there isnt just a you and him after 5 years, is a problem.. you chose to marry him when there wasnt just a you and him, now that anger and resentment seeps in to your interactions with the kids and your hubby sees that as not treating them right.. (vbruno) is right, you do need a babysitter so that you and your husband have time by yourselves without the kids.. But I also think that maybe you should maybe take them out and do some things with them without your husband and try too find a way to interact with them on a more personal level.. Its hard as a step parent to know what you can and cant do when it comes to other peoples kids, differance is, their mother isnt going to be back for visitation, participation love help confidence or anything else..
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 10:58 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I think that sounds like its not really working out.If you feel that way how does your hubby feel?If you feel like a stranger in your own home after that long that is not too good not being mean or anything but I have 2 step kids that my hubby has full custody over one was 11 then, the other 15 and we went through a little weird period but nothing that made me feel like a stranger in my own home/It does not sound like its a good situation for any of you and I would try counceling if it don't work then I wouldn't think you and your hubby to be keep living like that .Like I said I think all step parents go through a kinda nervewrecking time when first getting to know each other but I do feel like after 5 years it should be gone and over.
    Brandy928

    Answer by Brandy928 at 11:37 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • family counseling would be a good start, sit down with your hubby & tell him how you feel, what you want.... don't force yourself on the children as their mother be ok if they are not or may never ready to call you mom.. you & your hubby sit down & agree to the house rules/discipline.. allow your hubby to have the last say with the children.. never fight infront of the children always tell him privately when you disagree with him. what was the mom doing for you to not let her see her children? IMO even the worst moms deserve to see their kids at least supervised.
    maiahlynn

    Answer by maiahlynn at 12:02 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • She is in abusive relationships, has the the children in a situation where one of her boyfriends put a knife to their necks saying he was going to kill them. She also has done drugs. Whenever they are around her and then come home...it takes weeks to get them back to normal. They are so full of anxiety before they see her that they act out the week prior to seeing them. Even in school they do this.
    7kNO1fan

    Comment by 7kNO1fan (original poster) at 4:23 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

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