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Falling out of love.... adult content

My husband and I have been together for over four years. He was married before me, and I was in engaged before him. I lived with my ex fiancee for a year before my ex fiancee called it quits on my birthday.
When my husband and I started dating I remember feeling a weird feeling of "maybe this is a bad idea..." He would tell me he still had feelings for his ex wife, but nothing I needed to worry about.
Finally the time came I asked him to stop talking to her. They had no kids, no ties of needing to be together... They weren't even married that long. It annoyed me that she'd text or call him while we were on a date and our date had to be put on hold... I would even have to stop talking!
Well, he never stopped talking to her, until recently(supposedly).
Even when I got pregnant. He would tell me he had no desire to talk to her, but then would turn around and tell her he missed her, how pretty she was, and he knew that his second marriage was headed for a divorce. She would write back telling him how sorry she was and all that junk.
He has made me feel like utter scum because of what I find out he told his ex wife. He told her personal things that I wouldn't have even dreamed of telling any of my ex's about us.
I know this may sound crazy, but he even has the same email address she knows with the password being "ilove_____" her name. I've asked himto change it for ME, and he tells me everyone knows him by that email and he couldn't do that. I was like yes, including your ex wife.
They both are causing problems in our relationship and have, and neither one wants to take responsibility of it. In fact, my husband told me that if I would allow him to communicate he would. How do you allow a person to communicate? I thought that took listening and advice... That's what I do. He also told me if it really comes down to it and I ever made him choose between his exwife and her family, and me...he'd choose them.

I feel trapped and confused. I want to leave, I feel like a divorce is inevitable, but we have 2 beautiful babies that I hate taking them away from their daddy because they absolutely adore him.

I'm finding myself not inlove with him. I'm not very attracted to him. Our sex life has taken a major toll. I don't really enjoy being around him, and our conversations are usually the same.... Everyday. IF we have a conversation. When I ask about him "fixing" our relationship he tells me he's trying and he needs ideas from me on what to do. I think WHAT?!! You screw up and want me to tell you what to do??

I look at the marriage my parents had and this couldn't be further from it. My Dad was even married before and had kids from that previous marriage... It didn't really bother my Mom... I've gotten advice from her and it doesn't seem to help.

I'm completely lost on this.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:22 AM on Apr. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • If you're not happy I guarantee your kids won't be either. It's best to cut ties with him and divorce him. It may seem impossible now and the hardest thing to do but the first step is the hardest. Keep your head high and your dignity intact. Don't make a scene or fuss just do it quietly. If you want a settlement out of this scumbag you have to be classy. You deserve better than that creep. I wish you the best and good luck.
    Bugzmomma

    Answer by Bugzmomma at 11:27 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Wow...that is just so incredibly heartbreaking :(
    He sounds very selfish...if he was so in love with her..he should have NEVER got involved with you AND had two children.
    I dont even know what advice to give to you.I know I couldnt live my life that way and be happy...
    kimberlyinberea

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 11:27 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I don't know what to tell you,, When you ask him if he loves you what does he say? I think you had better get into marital counseling and quick,,,,so sorry mommma!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 11:27 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Why is it that you think you will be taking his children from him? You can divorce him (which IMHO you should do) and they can still have a healthy relationship with their dad...I don't understand when women say they stay for the kids, your kids can tell you aren't happy, if it's a relationship where one is cheating or something like that the children usually pick up on that and you aren't teaching them anything other than it's okay to let your spouse/other half treat you like crap...I would be more worried about teaching my children that they deserve the best, even if that is with Mom and Dad being apart. Good Luck to you.
    kitchenwitch78

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 11:27 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • not being rude but your dh is a jackass..i would boot his butt to the curb so fast his head would spin..better yet i would pack his crap call his ex and tell her to pick his butt up and i would be filing for alimony since they were so in love and she helped bust up my marriage..although i will say it should of been a red flag to you when he was dropping hints like telling you to be quiet when he was talking to her etc..and telling her your personal business is over the top for me...girl get some back bone about you..if you have the proof use it! Dont let this scum walk all over you bc if you are not careful some other woman will be looking after your kids and it will be her on his visitation!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • That's a very tough situation. While I understand not wanting to break up the family you have now, he sounds like an asshole and it's obvious (to me at least) that you're not happy. No one can understand unless they have been in your shoes, but from my perspective it's not a healthy marriage with all this shit going on. Your kids deserve a HAPPY mom, and maybe you should (again, just saying what I'd do/think) end it if he isn't going to cut ties with the ex. I mean, it would be a lot different if there were kids involved, but there's not so there's no reason for him to be SO involved with her. It's nice when people who split up can be amicable, but it seems he's crossed that line and you're suffering. It might be best (again, just IMO here) to end it now and try to remain friendly for the kids sake. I'm really sorry. Never been through this so I really have no right to comment, but it sucks and you deserve better.
    CookieMom108

    Answer by CookieMom108 at 11:30 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my ex husband towards the end I was staying in it "for the kids." I realized that trying to do what was best for them by staying in a relationship where I wasn't happy and, in all reality, he wasn't happy was the worst thing I could do. Children pick up on how their parents are feeling and will act out accordingly. Or at least mine do. As hard as it was to go through the divorce it was the best decision for everyone involved. Me and my ex are civil, we get along fine, and we are both better parents to our two girls but as individual parents rather than a couple. If you are unhappy and he has basically said he would choose another woman over you then there is no point in staying. No woman deserves to be a man's second choice. I wish you the best of luck, honey. Take care of yourself and those sweet babies!
    MyLilClaireBear

    Answer by MyLilClaireBear at 11:31 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Go to counseling for your childrens' sake - both of you together. If your husband won't respect your wishes (which I am sure the counselor will agree with you), tell him he has to move into a spare bedroom or sleep on the couch. If that doesn't wake him up, start getting your divorce ducks in a row (talk to others, get papers in order, get a lawyer). Don't rush into divorce - it rates #1 along with death of a loved one as the most stressful thing to go through in life.
    RobotLady

    Answer by RobotLady at 11:33 AM on Apr. 20, 2011

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