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How do I get over this??

My fiance and I have both been married once before and he has also been engaged since his divorce. He still talks about his ex fiance' a good bit, like telling stories and what not (we both tell stories about our previous relationships, not a big deal at all). I asked him one day if he still loved her and his response was "yes, and part of me always will be because she was my first true love." He says most people go thru theirs in high school and he didnt get that first love until after he was married even. I wanted to know the answer to that question (because he still has pics of them on his facebook even though he has dated someone else after her and before me) but since then, I have felt like I was being compared to her. I feel like I will never measure up to what she was. I kind of feel like he is with me because I maybe remind him of her. He hasn't done anything at all to make me feel this way. In fact, I have talked to him about it. He was very understanding and assured me that he was with me for ME. Not because I reminded him of anyone that he loved me as myself. So why in the blue hell am I feeling like this?! It's driving me insane!

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MyLilClaireBear

Asked by MyLilClaireBear at 12:38 PM on Apr. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Level 8 (244 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Has he given you a reason to feel this way? There is nothing wrong with still loving someone. I still love my ex and always will. I am actually friends with him. He has been my rock and support when no one else was. We are better friends than bf/gf. Unless he has given you a reason to question his love for you, I would just let it go.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 12:41 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • It sounds like he is not over his ex. That means he is not 100 percent available for you, emotionally. Can you guys go to counseling? You may have a great interaction, but there are three of you in the relationship, and there should only be two.

    Hugs.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:43 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • No, I don't guess he has. I know alot of it has to do with my being insecure due to circumstances in my previous marriage. I know its not fair to him to feel this way. Sometimes it even effects my attitude and the way I handle situations. I feel so stupid but I don't know how to NOT feel like this.
    MyLilClaireBear

    Comment by MyLilClaireBear (original poster) at 12:45 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • It is not you being insecure. It is not unreasonable to expect that your spouse/bf to emotionally untie himself from his exes before he is with you. The good thing about your man is that he is wiiling to tell you about his inner state. That means he may be willing to deal with it, too.

    What would he say if you told him to take down the facebook pictures and try to distance himself from his ex?

    Just tell him what is happening for you.

    It is his emotional work to do, though, not yours.

    And, there is so much hope.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:49 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • thats crazy if he was with you wouldent you want it to because hes with you? i wouldent want to feel like a relationship with someone was not going to move forward because the other persons on pause due to them wanting someone else or in love with someone else sounds like hes telling you that hes never going to get over her.
    wife_motha

    Answer by wife_motha at 12:50 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Honestly I'm not sure what he would say if I asked him to take them down. I'm kind of scared to.
    MyLilClaireBear

    Comment by MyLilClaireBear (original poster) at 12:52 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • Then, I would start there. If he refuses to take them down, then he has devoted more of himself to her than is good for your relationship.

    It is totally normal for someone to get nostalgic and think fondly of exes, but when it gets to the point where they are voicing "love" and hanging onto pictures, then it is not being dealt with . . . he still has one foot in.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:56 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • It's normal to feel the way you do, I've been through it and the only thing you can do is keep reminding yourself that he is with you because he wants to be with you. I think out of respect for your relationship he should take down the photos of him and his ex, I have photos of me and a few ex's but they're out of sight in a photo album somewhere at my mom's house. The only photos I display of me and other men, besides me and DH, are of my cousins, brothers, uncles, dad, and friends. My husband knows he isn't the first man I've loved and there is one man in my past that I will always love in a way but the only man I am in love with is my husband, he knows and understand he is the only one I want to be with.
    anon1986East

    Answer by anon1986East at 1:10 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • My ex was more like a best friend to me. My husband couldn't understand how we could have been intimate in the past but only be friends now. I will always love my ex because we had a bond that could not be replaced. I also know that we could never have a successful relationship. My husbands ego was hurt whenever I said this man's name (even though he talks of his exes). In the end I ended ALL connections with the ex. I will tell you this, I have a certain resentment for my husband for making me choose and making me feel like he doesn't trust me. Whatever you decide go about it carefully. You wouldn't want him to secretly hate his decision or blame you for the loss of a friend like I blame my husband. Good Luck!
    KoolMom617

    Answer by KoolMom617 at 1:14 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • It bothers you because he still has feelings for her. I would figure this out before you guys get married good luck!
    ChanQ

    Answer by ChanQ at 4:15 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

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