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4 Bumps

My son doesn't want his dad at the wedding if he brings his wife

My son, 24 has always hated his SM. They got married when he was 16. She was always the one to say "not my kid, no my problem" when he needed a ride or something or was in trouble BUT she always wanted to be front and center at all public events. She actually tried to sit in front of me at his graduation (asked me and my husband to move down so that her and my ex could sit first (we only saved on seat as my son didn't want her at his graduation either, but she showed up). Anyway, he told his dad that he wants him to come BUT he doesn't want his SM there, because she will try to make things all about her. (at his graduation she actually cried saying "look how good we did" to which I said "shut up, you've only been here a year and don't do crap for him". Anyway his dad is upset and called me to try to convince him to let her come. I said I might be able to IF she is willing to be a normal guest, sit with the normal guests, not up front, and maybe sit with some close family friends (none of his family can stand her). I knew this will piss her off (as she won't be front and center) but I asked my son anyway, he said she can come if that is the only way dad will but she will sit in the back and I don't want her in the formal pics. I understand who my son is feeling (she is also very rude to his bride to be ) but I know he really wants his dad there and I just don't know if this will be good enough for his dad. I just feel that his dad should just come since this is HIS son. Am I wrong?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:09 AM on Apr. 21, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (22)
  • You son needs to take into consideration that he is an adult now and SM can no longer hurt, betray or influence him in any way. she is woman his Father chose for one reason or another and he doesn't have to like her one bit but he needs to respect the fact she is his fathers wife. Now if she is going to come in a nd cause drama then that is another story... If she is going to attend sit back and watch then just let her come. No harm no foul and it shows how grown up he has become... without her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:12 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • No, i think you are correct. I had the same problem with my parents.. I invited them because my soon to be hubby wanted them there and they made the entire day about them and actually stormed out and were yelling what a whore I was because I didn't have a seating assigned and she couldn't sit with DH's parents.

    Don't allow this woman to wreck your sons wedding, if she shows up ask her to leave and if she won't, call the cops.. this is his day no drama queens allowed
    zoejains_momma

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 9:14 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • My Mom is the drama queen and my dad is the pushover who will do whatever she wants so he doesn't have to face her wrath later..
    zoejains_momma

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 9:16 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • Ultimately it's your son's decision. I can only imagine how torn he feels wanting his dad to be there for one of the most important events in his life but not wanting the witch to spoil it. There's not a good answer. If she's there I think she'll still get too much attention because everyone will be watching her every move. What if she does get all "mommy of the year" at the wedding? Who's going to remove her, what kind of upset is that going to cause. Your son has the right to deny her and I'd not pressure him. If my mother in law pulled up in my driveway I'd meet her at the car door before she opened it and tell her to get off my property. Sometimes it's just that way. I really hope his dad will come. Dad is in a pickle with it too because while it's so very easy to say, "That's his son and who cares about the witch, He should be there no matter what." Think of dad's position....he wants to be there for his, contd
    RentaMom

    Answer by RentaMom at 9:19 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • He wants to be there for his son no doubt but he's also going to have to live with the woman after it's all said and done and I'm sure she's liable to make his life a living hell if he does go without her. It's a crappy situation. I really hope things go great either way and your son has a beautiful wedding.
    RentaMom

    Answer by RentaMom at 9:21 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I don't think you're wrong, but I think that this is between your son and his dad. I think when his dad talks to you about it, you say to him in a very nice but firm way, I'm sorry, but we are no longer married, and it's not my job or place to intervene on your behalf with him. He's your son as well as mine, and this is between the two of you. If you have a problem, you should talk to him.

    If he pushes it, then you could say to him, again, nicely, that you're sure that, as the husband of one and the father of the other, you're aware of his wife's lack of interest in supporting ___, and that he feels that she has lacked any desire to be a parental figure to him in any but the most superficial and "credit taking" way, so you don't understand where his surprise at these feelings come from.

    Then if I were you, I would tell him that personally, since he is ___'s dad,

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:24 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I hate how my ex is acting like he has no choice, like he CAN'T go without her. They are not conjoined twins, he can go without her and if it makes her feel bad, maybe she should think about how awful she has been
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:25 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • His and his bride to be's wedding, what they say goes, i don't even care if dad and SM are funding the entire thing. It's their day, no one else's and I wouldn't even chance it! That will be his dad's loss! Aren't you always supposed to put your children before another man/woman? Dad needs to suck it up.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 9:29 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • cont

    If I were you, I would then say something like how personally, you hope that since he is __'s dad, that he would come - especially as ___ is compromising and inviting her, even if she is not being included in the wedding party, and that ___ (dad's wife) would understand and respect the importance of him being there, and not make this about her. BUT, that if he (they) can't do that, then that is between them and your son. Because personally, you plan to go and witness your son's wedding and enjoy being part of his special day.

    Then refuse to discuss it with him further :-)

    This is what I would do.

    btw - I think, from what you described, your ds is right to not want her to try to upstage things, but also is being classy in compromising and inviting her. I would also make sure that someone seats her where ds wants her - otherwise it could be graduation on a bigger scale...

    gl and congrats on the wedding :-)
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:30 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • it would break my heart if my father would not come to my wedding without his wife. As if she is more important than my wedding day.

    Do you have someone to delegate the wedding? Like a coordinator? Who ever it is, you tell them about this lady & tell them that she is not allowed to sit up front & that she is not allowed in any of the pictures. Somebody needs to be in charge of making sure this lady stays in her place at the wedding. If they see her trying to sit up front, they need to tell her that she has to go to the back.

    I think it's fine not to invite her, but she might show up anyway (obviously she just showed up at graduation). So, you need to prepare for them. Someone needs to be in charge of this woman to make sure she steps back...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:31 AM on Apr. 21, 2011

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