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2 Bumps

Should I give him another chance?

My oldest son has moved in, gotten kicked out over and over again.... we did this back and forth thing from the time he was 18 and moved out right after graduation until about 2 years ago - when I had my final straw with him and put him out - then I moved away.

In this last couple years (well more like a year and a half) he's had to stand on his own - and he's done okay. Kept his own place, worked two jobs, paid his own way and did his own thing.

In that time his and my relationship has healed a lot.

We've always told him that if he would go to school, act like a normal human being, be respectful and not all hateful and moody (LOL like a pubescent and hormonal teenager) then he could live with us, we'd pay for his school and he'd only have to work part time to pay for his own gas, cigarettes, etc. He was SUPPOSED to go to college in the fall after he graduated high school - but decided to take a "break" before going to school - yeah, like that ever works out the way they think it will.

So here we are now - he's 22 (going on 23 in a couple of months) and he's finally decided that he wants to re-invent his life; stop the stuff he's been doing and finally get down to business.

We NOW live 8 hours from him - and he wants to come live with us and go to trade school to learn to be a welder. We have (like any parent) always told him that when he decided to pull his head out his ass and grow up that we would do our best to try to help him (with limitations and rules of course). We *can afford to send him to trade school and I really, really want to see my son finally do something with his life.
-- BUT *I* am really nervous about the possibility of him moving in and it going down hill again.

It's been so nice getting along with him from a distance - I do and have missed him. I love him just to pieces (and boy implementing tough love has sure been hell on me) - I don't want that ruined *if he should move back in and not do what he's supposed to do.

We haven't given him any answer yet - he just posed the idea to me today, so my head is kinda swimming at the moment.

Ladies give me your honest, heart-felt thoughts.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:01 PM on Apr. 21, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (14)
  • If he was serious about it, I would come up with some rules. If he lives in your house, he must live by your rules. Lay the ground work for consequences and at what point you will stop paying for his school if he doesn't follow the rules. Give him 1 chance.
    Make up a contract so he will have it with him and know that they rules haven't changed.

    If he strays, there is no going back, he is out.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:03 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • Nope. My philosophy is once they are out and able to stand on their own two feet, unless it's an absolute emergency situation, there is no crawling back home. He can still go to school, but he should find his own room and board. Lots of people do it.

    Answer by m-avi at 7:03 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I think that if you do do this then you should write up an agreement and have him sign it, stating all the things you said here as well as a time period, grade restrictions if you want(such as he has to pass all classes and keep on schedule) and anything else you deem necessary.

    Make it as clear as possible what you expect from him(including household duties) so that he can't claim ignorance. If he breaks the rules kick him out again.

    I think it's great that you are willing to pay for his schooling and help him along the way. I am around the same age(25) and would die for the chance he is getting. I'm just now finishing my BA after paying on my own as well as living expenses and everything else.

    Good luck

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 7:06 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • two words.. JOB-CORPS free training for welding

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:08 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I would make sure he knows the rules, have all your bases covered & make them all clear. Give him a timeline like he has to be out of the house by this age/time etc. Something about his grades being on point & stuff like that as well. I'd give it a try but if he messes up once then the subject of him living with you & you paying his college is out of the question. Good luck =)

    Answer by Mel30248 at 7:09 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I would give him a chance, with a written and signed contract that he will do A, B, and C. You should also put in there how long he is allowed to stay after he finishes the program.

    If he is able to fit in any work, I would require him to pay you rent, even if it is only 50 - 100 per month. You will still be doing him a huge favor, but he will still maintain responsibility for his housing.

    Good luck to you and your son!

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 7:10 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I feel everyone deserves a second chance, especially our children. I'm a mother of 2 sons ages 20 & 24. Our youngest still lives at home with the rules that we as a family have set forth. He WILL go to school (he does), work part time (does as well), and help keep the house clean. Chores are for everyone. So far, so good. We're enjoying him and support him only because he respects us. Give your son another chance to prove he's ready to make positive changes.

    Answer by Kathy675 at 7:14 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • He has tried to go to school on his own - found out that he HAS to use either my or my ex husband's tax return for his grant app until he is 24 -- at 24 he can use his own income to qualify. I don't have a problem with him using my tax return, but with it, he doesn't qualify for any aid at all. He asked my ex to use his return to apply - my hateful ex husband wouldn't let him ( what parent does that?) So as far as 'finding his own money for school' be hasn't a lot of choices, except to pay cash - which he couldn't afford. He's working 2 jobs now and barely making his rent, living expenses, auto insurance and car payment.
    There's more to his story - he took our divorce hard, then he joined the military and was discharged because of depression (believe that?), his fiance broke up with him while he was in boot camp - actually that's when he really twisted off the deep end - and is just now coming back from it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:15 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I would help him out, but as stated by others, have a contract and a time line. If he messes up by such and such a date he is out and no more chances. Make the contract as detailed as you can. GL

    Answer by elizabr at 7:22 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • Just set up the rules before he moves in. If he messes up make sure he knows there are no more chances.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 8:12 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

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