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2 Bumps

Help me!!!

I have a boyfriend with 2 boys, 3 and 5. My son is 4. Their mother walked out on them, leaving my boyfriend alone to take care of them. He lived in a small 1 bedroom apartment, and although our relationship is new, I invited him to come live with me since I have more room and could use help financially. Daddy and I are good friends and I love him very much. Sex seems like a historical figment of my imagination, because ever since the boys came, I haven't gotten any... Which  makes me feel kinda used...

Back to the story; for the most part, the kids are adjusting very well. They giggle and play and even call me 'mommy'. I have known these kids since they were born. I care about them very much and it breaks my heart that their mother could just leave them without even saying goodbye...

Here is my issue: the oldest, 5, likes to play with fire. We have to keep our lighters, straightening irons, curling irons, etc out of his reach. My place is nice. I paid a 1000 dollar deposit. I have worked very hard to have this place, and to keep it nice for my child.

Since they have been here, not even yet a month; their are crayons all over my walls... most all of my possessions have been ruined... my child is starting to lie and be defiant, which he never was before... and here is the kicker... they set FIRE to my house leaving a 2 foot scorch mark in the carpet, into that fire went my medication, a ps3 controller, my wireless keyboard and mouse, shoes the remotes to both big screen TVs... (Their dad was taking a shower when this was happening.) He got out in time to put it out and no one got hurt.

I drove home from work and spanked all three of them, and I don't even believe in spanking.... That was about 2 weeks ago.

Today, the boys were home with me and when it was nap-time. The oldest, fell asleep in the floor with a sleeping bag watching toy story. I was laying on the couch, my son and his youngest curled up with me on the couch and we all took a nap.

I was having a beautiful dream of daddy... at least I get it in my dreams... when the Mommy-dar went off, and I found them upstairs with a lighter, which only the 5 year old knows how to use, burning toilet paper into my carpet. 2 more scorch marks. Bye bye deposit.

I have no clue how they got a lighter. If it weren't for my son's big mouth I'm afraid this could have been much worse. I was so scared. God was watching over my family today.

I want to do the right thing by these children. Their mother walked out on them to do drugs. Their grandparents don't care.

They are great kids! Loving, smart, and funny... but I am afraid I opened my door too quickly. I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to raise 2 more boys. I just want to help. They need a mother-figure in their lives. They adore me and I them. Most days it's just cuddles and laughter.

I am not sure I want my child to be influenced by the oldest. My son has never has done anything remotely like this before. He is a good kid, defiant maybe, but he knows right from wrong. He knows what he is and isn't allowed to touch. I never even had to baby-proof. Carson just isn't like that.

I love the idea of having 3 boys. A family.

Fire is unacceptable.

Everything I"ve worked so hard for is ruined. Material things, yes, but I worked hard to make this home nice for my son. I love the boys. I love my bf. We have been friends for a very long time...

I know they are not my responsibility and most of you are going to tell me to bail, but I can't be just another person in these children's lives that turns their back on them. I am extremely loving. I know I can help heal their pain, all of them, daddy too.... I am just so overwhelmed. How do I handle this??

Answer Question
 
FUNKMAMA

Asked by FUNKMAMA at 7:45 PM on Apr. 21, 2011 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • The child needs counseling and quick. Good Luck
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 7:48 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • Well, since you opened your door to them, they are your responsibility. Dad is standing behind you on the punishments. If that isn't fixing it, you may need to look to professional help. There may be more behind it than you know.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:48 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • This child needs some serious counseling. Get professional help. Good luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:51 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • He needs counseling. It was very bad for you to get involved so quickly. You were setting them up for another seperation. You need to address this before more time passes.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:52 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I don't remember you saying you loved the father. Or did I miss that? What I heard is that they needed a mother and you needed financial help. Not a very good reason for making a family.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:53 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • It is not an uncommon situation where young kids are considered "fire starters" when they have experienced trauma in their lives. He is giving you the biggest sign that he needs professional help. Most likely psychiatric and therapy. The most IMPORTANT message you could send this child is pure, uncomditional love. Good luck, mama. :)
    wendydays

    Answer by wendydays at 7:54 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • wow . . . that is a hard one.

    So, when a mommy walks out on kids who are so young, they tend to develop attachment disorders. That is just about the worst thing that can happen to a little guy, to have mommy leave you.

    To address this, I would get the little guy into therapy. No amount of discipline is going to take away his emotional pain, and that is probably what is causing the fire-setting.

    I would talk to your BF about him probably reimbursing the deposit, but I wouldn't kick them out. I would make sure that the little boy gets the help he needs.

    Now, sometimes, you can leave a preschooler in a room next to you while you shower and stuff, but you and your boyfriend are going to need to be on surveillance 100 percent of the waking hours of the kids. You really should try to not shower or nap unless the other adult is there to watch or all of the boys are asleep.

    Good luck.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 7:56 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • well, at this point you have opened your doors to them and want there best. i dont think you should think about having them leave only becuase you took the action to bring them here even though i would say it was probably not a thought out plan. in my opinion i think you need to speak to the boys father and he needs to discipline the boys. i think the boys have lack of discipline and a lot probably has to do with the mother being gone. now like i said this is only my opinion. and in the case of your son you still need to teach him values and let him know what these other boys are doing is a big no no! and if you ever catch him doing bad things they are doing or even watching and him not reporting it to you, he will be punished as well. but i think the dad needs to be stern with these boys. sorry everything is upside down. i hope you find help!
    KiraStadnik

    Answer by KiraStadnik at 7:57 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • I do love their father, for the record. He is a perfect match for me. However, the stress has caused a lot of pressure, and I'm not getting the "attention" I used to before they moved in.

    Their mother forbade their daddy from seeing them for the past two months. The oldest, his name is Huego, told me that [mommy's boyfriend stuck drugs in his arm, and the ambulance had to come]. She went from 160 lbs to 90 in a matter of months. She was a friend of mine in highschool.

    Drugs are not acceptable in my home, much less in front of children.

    When we told her we were seeing eachother, she agreed to a sleepover at my house, and asked us to watch them for 2 weeks while she went on a "business trip".

    She never called, except once, to say she was moving to another state and wasn't coming back. She has not called to say goodnight once. This is why I invited them into my home. I love him, and I want to be there for his children.
    FUNKMAMA

    Comment by FUNKMAMA (original poster) at 8:26 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • They call you Mom, and you ARE their mom now. ACT like one. Set limits and boundaries and punishments. As long as their father supports what you are doing keep doing it. It really sound to me like these boys are testing you. Their birth mom walked out on them. They feel abandoned. They're now doing whatever they can think of to see if YOU'LL leave too.

    I'm willing to bet that those boys are thinking something like: Well, my MOM didn't want me and left. SHE'S (you) going to do the same.

    Love them like your own, and let your actions speak for you. Hopefully things will turn around soon.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 8:36 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

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