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I'm so confused. Are my children great as they are or should their father and I attempt a relationship?

I've seen plenty of women say their husband's are their best friends but one of my best friend's is my ex who I have three children with - our relationship ended on good terms. We weren't together long before I got pregnant with our daughter (who is now 5 years old) and we have 3 month old twin sons - the boys weren't planned at all, their father and I happened to both be single and spending a lot of time together (basically having a casual sex type of relationship; he had broken off a long term relationship when he found out his g/f cheated on him and I ended a long term relationship because me and my ex had been fighting too much) but he's an excellent father and together we have an amazing daughter and so I believe our sons will be amazing as well.

The reason our relationship ended was because we live on different coasts, him on the West and me on the East. He still lives in his hometown, where his family, work and friends all reside. I still live in my hometown where my family, work, and friends reside. I can't blame him for not wanting to leave all that behind because I could not imagine leaving all that I have behind. When he comes out here to visit, or I go there we spend every second together. He tells me he loves me, and I love him but a relationship can't stand with 3,000 miles between us.

We've never had an issue with custody/visitation and are compatible in every way but we're both stubborn when it comes to hometown pride and other priorities. Our daughter is a happy little girl, she's never voiced any concerns about me and her father living so far apart or asked why we're not like other families. I'd like to think if she asked me to move in with her dad I'd say yes and if she asked her dad to move in with us he'd say yes but she's never said a word about it. The only thing she's even mentioned is how she likes the fact that her father's sister and her kids live closer to us than she does to her dad. I know plenty of kids who grew up with divorced parents who have no issues but its not exactly the same with me and my ex - we're two people who might be able to make something that lasts a lifetime but are unwilling, or most likely too scared to try.

I'm afraid that our children will grow up seeing that connection, that love, between me and their dad and the fear behind our actions - I don't ever want my kids to be afraid to take a chance on love. Though at the same time I know for him to move here, or me to move there, would require sacrifice and that sometimes brings resentment which may affect my children in a negative way because I don't want them to think resenting their SO or husband/wife is normal either.

Any real advice would be appreciated.

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:59 AM on Apr. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (3)
  • I actually moved back to the city where my ex lives for six months. My girls had fun and they loved seeing their dad often. I would seriously explore options in both cities where you're from for both of you. Wherever you choose, realize you can always visit family on the other coast but not everyone has a chance at a good, loving family and home. And if you put yourself in your daughter's shoes you'd probably want your mom and dad in the same city.

    Answer by istealcookies at 2:17 AM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • If you could both find seasonal work, you could take turns living in eachothers towns.

    Answer by TiffanieK at 2:31 AM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Don't do it just because you want your children to have a more traditional family. Do it because the two of you love each other enough to want a relationship, even if the kids were not a part of the picture. Ask yourselves if you will still want to be with each other when the kids are grown and on their own.

    If you decide (or already know) that's what you both want, maybe moving to a new town for both of you that is roughly halfway between where each of you live now could eliminate resentment? Then you'd each be sacrificing, and it would be shorter distances to visit families/hometowns, so it might save a little money on that. If that's not an option, then I think whichever town has the most opportunities for both of you, or whoever has the best job, the other one should move there. If you really want a relationship, you're both going to have to take that chance.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 6:53 AM on Apr. 22, 2011

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