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what would you do? HELP!!! (cont)

I have been struggling with him again and it is getting worse- he has been suspended 3 times this yr, some of its minor but some of its for defying authority, so my SO comes home after working for 2 months, and has been home a week and my son has been brought home by the cops twice. When he was sent to his room and getting corrected my son starts screaming get off me you effin bitch to SO. ( my SO has been his step dad since he was 4, so its not like this is some strange guy trying to tell him what to do. ) then my son runs away and wont get in the car with me and SO tells me he doesnt want him living here any more, so SO calls my sons dad, my sons dad just got his shit together and says - hell take him back. I just feel sick and dont know if sending him to his dad is the right thing to do, but then he doesnt mind me or SO or teachers and if he keeps going down this road you know where he will be. so what would you do?

Answer Question
 
argcwg

Asked by argcwg at 11:37 PM on Dec. 2, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • maybe he needs his dad at this point and can come visit...
    I know my friend was acting out her dad had cusidy...and went to live with her mom she got her shit on track....
    mama2twins07

    Answer by mama2twins07 at 11:40 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • I left a comment on your first half of the journal. I still would say the same thing even after reading the second half. Does he behave better for his dad? Are there resources for his Dad to use if needed such as counseling, juvenile programs for behavior issues, support groups? How does your son feel about going back to his dads?

    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 11:41 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • Im not sure how to go about answering the questions you ask back , so i thought id reply like this: his dad does have good insurance and counseling support, its just that when he does work he leaves at 6 am and doesnt get home til in the evening. He leaves it up to the wife and she has a 3yr old and a 1yr old by him and thats hard for her to take him. i guess they only took him to 1 counseling app. while he was there. My son doesnt want to move back, but says he doesnt want to stay here - he says he hates SO. I feel like im going to have a nervous breakdown, from the WHOLE situation. I just got the counseling rolling again here.
    argcwg

    Answer by argcwg at 11:52 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • I can give all the advice in the world but I am not the one who lives it day by day (that's my little disclaimer for my advice I'm about to give). I would keep him there with you guys. I would get EVERYONE including your SO into the counseling sessions. I would find a support group for both of you. This is something that your child will always deal with. Now, his behavior may improve significantly, but he will always have those tendencies to act out. It all comes down to "control" for your son. That is something that has to be "learned" for him...it does not come natural. Most of his actions are out of reflex...he can't control them, and he does them before he realizes it.


    I believe his Dad and his wife are not equipped to handle your son right now given the circumstances with the other children and his work schedule. Plus, your son has expressed not wanting to go back. That's my advice.

    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 11:58 PM on Dec. 2, 2008

  • Left out a little info. My nephew has the same disorder. He is now 22yrs old. He is able to keep a job and has learned how to control his anger and attitude for the most part. He has had problems since he was a young child. It took our entire family to raise him...meaning...his mom, his grandparents, my husband and I. We took him in for a year. During that time I tutored him for his GED. He succeeded on the second try with lots of encouragement and praise on our part. He does not function well when living with other people...hence...we had to ask him to leave our home. Now, he is living by himself and is doing much better on a day to day basis. Of course he is a grown adult, not a child anymore.

    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 12:03 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I think that your son might have as many, if not more problems living with him in the long run. I would say keep him with you and ask SO to just back off for awhile. You let him now that he is YOUR son, and that he comes first, no matter what. Then, just between you and his dad, you both work on disciplining him, and getting him the help that he needs. Good luck!
    bellasrose71008

    Answer by bellasrose71008 at 12:19 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • it's hard but everyone should go to therapy to learn how to talk to each other and to deal with the issues already there.

    Happ-eToBme

    Answer by Happ-eToBme at 1:06 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I do not think that there is any easy way to answer this. I would talk to him and see if he wants to live with his father. if that is something that is possible then I might try it. If you and SO are getting nowhere with him and he is not improving in school then I might try it.

    I would also take him to the DR and see if they can recommend a good therapist for him. I have a friend whose DD has been out of control at times and she has some medical issues that are the cause of it. If he has never been seen by anyone then I would check this out as well.

    Good Luck
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 7:06 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • OMG!! I just went through this with my 17 year old son. I did send him to live with his father. It was so hard for me because he is now living in Pennsylvania and I am in Indiana. I have 3 other children who are still infants and they need me also. My oldest was getting in trouble and our house was constantly in a tense state. I was scared that he would run away and he was headed down the road to a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen. I made a tough choice and let him go. He has since dropped out of school and decided his step father is SATAN. But, he is safe, he is not in trouble, and he will just have to learn the hard way that life is not easy. He will have to work his ass off to make a buck and all this is by his choice. Am I happy with the situation? NO.. Can I change it? NO. I just know that it is the way it is for now. He has a lot of growing up to do and only time will tell.
    kayadiamond

    Answer by kayadiamond at 10:40 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Tough one. My son is 14 and is going thur the teenage thing now. He is very jealous of his younger brothers and sisters that live with his dad. He says he doesnt want to be here. But then he says he doesnt want to be at his Dads to go to school either so I told him well if he wants to be here then we are all going to have to work hard to get along here. It is a struggle every day.We are going to go to a counselor too. Being a teenager is hard remember. But I do believe that it is harder on the boys. They are trying to become a man and have all of these feelings/hormones going on inside of them. But you have to keep the rules.Tonight I had to switch the breaker off in my sons room. Why because he refused to do something I asked him to do.I think my paying the electric bill is doing something for him so tonight he can do without me doing something for him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

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