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7 Bumps

I have to take Xanax just to deal with what he's done...

I can't go to the mailbox because he has gotten so many speeding tix and is about to lose his license and I'm sick of being "surprised" by the ticket envelopes from court.
I can't do laundry because I'm afraid a lighter or rolling papers will fall out from all the times he's lied to me about smoking pot.
I'm afraid to look at his phone because of all the times I've seen texts and emails about drugs that he was lying about doing.
I'm afraid (and refuse) to enter his car because I'm afraid it'll smell like pot.
I absolutely cannot look at out on-line bank statement for fear of his overspending and taking out cash for pot. I am physically unable to do this because of anxiety.

All these basic activities he's taken away from me. I'm a nervous Xanax popping mess! He claims he has changed and will not lie. He is in therapy for his lying but he's only been going a couple of months.

I have a horrible time trusting him but he thinks I should be instantly cured of my mistrust, AFTER 8 years of lies!!!, just because he's in therapy!!!

Joint therapy is too expensive, please don't suggest it. What do I do? When do I trust?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:38 PM on Apr. 22, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (37)
  • So because you are married and have a child you can't leave? Staying in a relationship with someone who does drugs and lies to you and you can't trust is the only option? Millions of women leave these kinds of men; it happens everday.

    Answer by meooma at 12:45 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Demand that he enter residential rehab. He can find ways to get a county bed. Until he can get that bad, he needs to go to AA or NA three times a week. If he is unwilling to do that, you should leave because he is still using.

    Drug addiction is absolutely terrible to live with, and you do not need to let him ruin your life the way he is ruining his.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:44 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • I would set up my own accounts, and ask him to stay somewhere else (his mom or dads? Sibling?) until he got his life together. There's no use in being this stressed.

    Answer by matobe at 12:47 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Well, you have 3 choices, marriage counseling....which you said you can't afford, leave, which you don't seem open to, or stay, and decide that you are accepting this as your life. Those are really the only choices. You can't control him, you can only control what you do. Good Luck.

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:52 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • I think it is time to move on. I will send a prayer your way. Now is the time to ask friends and family for support. Good luck, mama.

    Answer by wendydays at 12:44 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Hey, he is getting you guys into legal and finacial trouble. That money that he is spending on illegal drugs and tickets is money he is stealing from you and your kids. It is not just about "where" he smokes. Now, he has you popping Xanax, and you are now entering a very slippery slope with your own co-addiction. Stop the spread and put your foot down. He needs residential, or the marriage is over.

    The difference is that by enabling him, the addiction is spreading to you . . your kids . . . your happiness.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:52 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • What you described was me, about 4 years ago. Now, add extreme physical and emotional abuse... Until you break, and decide to leave, there is no hope. He is not going to change his pattern of abuse, you're going to have to walk away from it.
    I was married, with 3 children. I decided enough was enough. I finally left. There are people who devote their lives to helping women in your exact situation... Either you take that help and get out, or you live in misery. You have to decide that you want better for you child, and for yourself.
    You kid is going to grow up to be his father if you don't break that cycle now.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 12:55 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Then why cover up the problem instead of fixing it?....If the cause of the problem is no long there then the problem outcome of the problem will to...

    Answer by monshine2 at 1:10 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Well, honestly, and not bashing, I wouldn't have my kids around a pothead at all, ever. I cut ties with my mother and my brother for 3 years because they refused to stop, and I was prepared for it to be forever, before my mom came to be, bawling, and told me she was clean. Married with children or not, time to leave was about 7 years, 11 months ago. Sorry, Momma.

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 1:39 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Staying with someone for the child's sake is not good, I tried and realized we were hurting our DS. Sounds like there's too much damage done, he does not deserve you. Why don't you call the police on him and let them handle his drug issue?

    Answer by yesmaam at 1:42 PM on Apr. 22, 2011