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When will being a daddy kick in?

My man and I have been dating for 3 years, know each other for 8. Hes a great person, I have had to teach him alot about relationships as he did not have the right set of skills (hence his being divorced). Anyways, he has never been very affectionate or loving with me, its just who he is and I need to deal with that. And so here is my question: We are 7 months pregnant with our first baby girl. When I ask him, he says he is super excited, and so happy and cant wait for her to be here! But, he seems to have no other interest in this, and has been a bit insensitive towards me. I am getting pretty big, I am a full time student and I work part time in a pre-school. Im a busy lady! But, he constantly complains that I haven't been (in his opinion) helping out as much a s he would like. He refuses to help me do anything, like my water bottle fell off the coffee table last night, I asked him to pick it up for me bc it just sucks to bend anymore, he refused. He whines if I dont make him dinner. Whenever the baby kicks, I tell him so he can feel it...but he wont. He wont talk to me about plans, nothing. I just dont get it. I have asked him for a back massage, he always tells me no, even though I rub his almost everyday. He has a bad back and works hard... I have tryed pulling the pregnant card, I have told him that his behavior (or lack of) is really hurting me and confusing me... he just bitches at me telling me to stop whining. I know he loves me, we still have fun, but when it comes to the baby or any of my pregnancy symptoms he is so uncaring. I just dont know if this is normal, will it get better when the baby comes? My girlfriend tells me he's an a**hole and its so not normal... but she doesnt have kids so hasnt gotten to (or not) experience this. Has anyone else dealt with this? And do you have any advice...besides leave that jerk... on how to deal with this within myself, and with him?

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Asked by Tarrar at 6:14 PM on Apr. 22, 2011 in Pregnancy

Level 22 (13,733 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I read once that women feel like a mother as soon as they know they are pregnant. Men feel like a father the first time they hold thier child in their arms. Tell him how you feel and give him time to adjust. It should get better. Good luck mama

    Answer by Lucky209 at 6:16 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • His behavior doesn't reflect that he loves you

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 6:20 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Men respond differently to moving into parenthood than women do. For most men, it is very stressful at first, even just the thought of a baby sends their heads spinning. They don't have the lovely hormones we have that makes us all sentimental about it. They just see the checkbook, the logistics, the obstacles. They deal with it in their own way. You'll get further in dealing with him when you acknowledge that he's going through stuff. (Depending on his family history, it may be even more complicated.) Just talk to him. Tell him you know he's under stress, you know he's dealing with the upcoming life change his way, but could he please be a little more understanding and helpful with you. My DH is great, but he assumes that if I'm not complaining, I'm fine. I have to be very direct with him. I feel like a jerk complaining, but if I don't tell him, he just doesn't know. He isn't intuitive. Talk to him. He'll come around.

    Answer by fancyjane at 6:21 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Sounds to me like the child you're carrying is actually your 2nd child, your BF is the first. He needs to man up.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:22 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • Well first my Hubby never seems to fully be interested about my pregnancy till the baby get here. We did not even discuss names for this last baby till 10 min. Before he was born so in that aspect its not uncommon for men to not be as into a pregnancy as us ladies. As for the way he treats you though that is not right pregnant or not a man should never treat his lady like that. Its been 12 days since i had my last baby so i am no longer pregnant but if i drop something on the floor and ask Hubby to get it he will. Your BF does not only seem uncaring about this pregnancy but to you as well. That is just my outside opinion of not knowing the full story and going off this post. But he does seem like a real A whole.

    Answer by michelle.coppes at 6:31 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not ever kick into the daddy mode. What you have described is a very selfish man who is pretty much uninterested in anything or anyone but himself. If that is true, your giving birth to a baby is not going to change him. In fact, it could very well make him more selfish than he is now. Once that baby arrives, you are going to have much less time to dote on and cater to him. So try not to expect too much change along the line that you are hoping to see. High expectations lead to great disappointment.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:33 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • I have also heard the saying a women becomes a mom when she finds out she is pregnant and a man becomes a father when he hold his baby for the first time. But maybe you should talk to him about how you are feeling. That is how my DH was with our first and we talked a lot and everything got better after that, slowly, but he didnt realize a lot of the things he was doing.

    Answer by VBM7287 at 6:46 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • But, I dont know how to help him understand my feelings, and everything else. I do talk to him about it....he just seems to not get it, like every man in the world treats his girl like this, who am I to question him?. I know his parents are a terrible example, but how do I help him see his behavior is not normal? Or is it just not possible?

    Comment by Tarrar (original poster) at 6:50 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • SO n I were dating for a yr when I got pregnant. He hyperventilated when he found out. His dreams of becoming a volunteer sheriff were shattered. Anyway, he's also not affectionate w hugs n kisses n when I was prego I would cry about it. Especially that he never liked feeling my belly or talking about when the baby's born. Well, when our son s born he wasn't breathing after numerous attempts w oxygen then nitric oxide. When everything was failing SO had to make the decision to let him die or put him on ECMO and run the risks. He became a dad the day my son was born. After 2yo of 3 major surgeries n a mystery diagnosis solved, SO is finally able to have a bond w our son. DS doesn't cry if I don't go out w them which is great!
    He says, bye Mami, I'm going w Papi. N he'll take him to the mall or the pet store, etc. I love seeing them interact. My Sis said, wait, they will bond when DS is mobile and easier to take out. So true!

    Answer by Vero0724 at 6:54 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • I agree with the first post, however, his feelings toward you should be different, you are carrying his child. he should care a little more about how you are feeling. some men don't get it though, and can feel jealousy and insecurity towards the baby that is about to take over your world and become your number one focus...i would say if you can put up with it now, fine, but if it doesn't change after your little one is born...think about what is best for you and your baby.

    Answer by december911 at 9:11 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

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