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How do these things happen??

Ok...I'm really trying to get a grasp on how birthmoms that gave there child up for adoption didn't know anything about the adoptive parents. Also how they didn't have a choice in whether to do adoption or not. I'm not trying to be a smartass, I'm very serious. I keep seeing all these arguments about how birthmoms didn't have a choice, the adoptive parents weren't known to them, etc. My thinking is that it IS a choice to have your child adopted, and I'm really trying to understand why some birthmoms are saying they didn't have a choice. And why some say they never met the adoptive parents....didn't you have a choice in the matter when the adoptive parents were picked? I just know someone is going to think I'm being smart with this question, but I'm really not. I would just like to have a better understanding from birthmoms on how these kinds of things happened.

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LizClara

Asked by LizClara at 3:22 AM on Dec. 3, 2008 in Adoption

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • open adoption you have a choice. if you just give up your baby such as leave them with the agency or in the system until they find them a home, no choice. It really depends on the method they went with for the adoption.

    like momA takes baby to the hospital and leaves it there under the safe surrender act, no choice in who the new parents will be.
    momb chooses to go through an agency and the agency offers that the birth mom can choose the family that gets the baby.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • My best guess is that they gave up their baby and didn't select adoptive parents before hand and so the foster home or agency decided who the baby would go to and then when the birth mother found out who later down the road somehow she wasn't happy with who got her baby. I'm not sure though... I'm adopted and my birth mother chose my adoptive parents by reviewing potential adoptive parents profiles and selecting the best one in her opinion...
    madrigalreject

    Answer by madrigalreject at 3:28 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • First of all I don't think you are being smart and I think this is a perfectly reasonable question. In the old days of the baby scoop era (google) birth moms really had no choice who adopted their child. Check out this wonderful book.  http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:46 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Those days are gone. So why are there still women who say it was not their choice? The adoption industry is skilled at obtaining babies. Some proudly state how they spend millions on 'agressive birth mother marketing". following is an actual quote from an adoption facsilitator
    "Unlike many state-regulated adoption agencies, we are not confined by stringent state-mandated budget restrictions. This means we can advertise and market more aggressively to find the right child for you quicker."

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:52 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • "Unlike many state-regulated adoption agencies, we are not confined by stringent state-mandated budget restrictions. This means we can advertise and market more aggressively to find the right child for you quicker."


    Oh my!  That's not a very good thing to read.  That would be one I'd have to stay away from!  I wouldn't want to be thinking that my baby's bio-family was taken in by that marketing scheme!  Oh that's just horrible!!

    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 3:58 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • another quote on aggressive child availability: "Aggressive grassroots marketing and outreach programs to reach other birthmothers who might not otherwise find us through more traditional forms of advertising and marketing. We market to: Maternity Homes Family Planning Clinics Crisis Pregnancy Clinics Hospitals and Medical Clinics Teen Pregnancy Programs Church Groups Chat Rooms Civic Organizations Abortion Clinics Bulletin Boards Pregnancy Hotlines Physicians Community Referrals Social Workers High Schools, Colleges and Universities"


    Does any of the term such as "Aggressive grassroots marketing and outreach programs to reach other birthmothers" strike you as coercive I realise this is not your question.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:58 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Oh...and that's the second time I've seen that book mentioned. I'm going to have to get it and read it. Thanks!
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 3:59 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Actually I'm surprised that you are hearing much in the way of "I didn't know the aparents" . I'd expect more of "I was promised this and that and only received....nothing". that's quite common. Birth parents are not warned that open adoption agreements can be closed at the whim of the adoptive parents. But, worse than that, adoptive parents are never warned about how they will feel once their child becomes old enough to have feelings for their birth parents.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 4:06 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • That's ok....this is the kind of stuff everyone should know about. I've seen some advertising similiar to this around my area, but I've never really paid attention because we chose a wonderful foster care agency, that also works with pregnant mothers (not to pressure them, but to offer parenting classes, social workers, etc. to help them with the baby). We've been with them for 3 years and in that time they've only had one pregnant mother who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. She ultimatley chose a friend of the family to adopt her baby. If we weren't foster parents, we wouldn't even be with an agency. Our first adoption was totally private, done through an awesome adoption lawyer. They offered the Bmom counseling and anything that she needed. I guess that's why I have a hard time realizing that things are not always so great in all adoptions.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 4:07 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • quote: Check out this wonderful book.

    Ann Fessler is an adoptee. You can see more of her work here:
    http://www.inside.mica.edu/everlasting/

    and read about the 'Everlasting' exibit here:

    the speakers play the voices of eight "exiled mothers" from the Baltimore-Washington region, women whose oral histories were captured by Fessler
    http://www.citypaper.com/arts/story.asp?id=3798
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 4:40 AM on Dec. 3, 2008

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