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4 Bumps

How to handle the hate of an adult step child?

I am having some issues. A bit of a back story I have been married to my husband for 6 years, we meet 9 years ago and he has had custody of his children since we meet. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage, they are 21, 19 & 17. The 21 year old he did not raise she wanted to stay with their mom. The other 2 my husband and I did.

Their mother never was a mother ... she only showed up on Christmas and Easter to pick them up for a couple hours. My step daughter (19) has had the most trauma from her, from her mother telling her she never wanted her to admitting she tried many times to end her pregnancy by taking medications and such.

We got her counseling has she grew up and were has open with her as we could. She always sought attention in odd ways though, from claiming to hearing voices (after months of seeing professionals she admitted it wasnt true), or showing pictures of her cousins claiming its her baby. Along with many others but you get the picture ... she wanted attention!

Well in 2009 she graduated high school. She was a great student usually made honor roll. Her senior year she did everything to avoid planning for college, from missing her SATs twice to lying about applying to colleges. So the next year she did not go. My husband and I told her she could live with us as long as she got a job and we told her she had to pay us $50 a week, and to apply at colleges and get in for the following year.

Those rules were to much for her and by March she and I were fighting a lot. Eventually I told her she had to move. My husband took her to her mothers.

This was hard for me because she and I were best friends since the day we meet. She shared many things with me and I tried hard to be a parent and just be a girl friend (my husband is 10 years older then I and she is 10 years younger then I so we found this great and we had alot in common)

After she left she just got very mean, she wrote me nasty emails, even started to threaten me to beat me up and even kill me :(
I still to this day dont understand how I deserve such threats all I wanted from her is to go to college and make something of herself!

Anyway here we are today 1 year later and she is now a mom. She had a baby a week ago. Shortly after she left my home she started having sex with guys and of course got pregnant. No of course the father did not stick around.

She still hates me. I am having a hard time getting past this and moving on. She welcomes my husband to things such as the babys birth but she told everyone even nurses to not let me in. I am just crushed. I find myself resenting my husband too even though he is really doing anything.

I just dont know what I should do or shouldnt do :( I havent tried to talk to her nor will I, at this point she can make the first steps but she wont.
Is this normal that I am resenting even my husband now? I mean I sort of feel he should stick up for me more ... but what more can he do, he told her how sad it is that she is so hateful towards me, but she is his child he cant cut her out totally I guess ....

I have talked to a counselor after she left cause I was so depressed, and I was doing ok but I wasnt thinking that she would be having a baby already and excluding me out of things I sort of feel I have a right to be part of

Sorry this was so long, this has just cause a lot of grief for me and so much trouble in my marriage I just dont know what I should feel or if I am just being selfish myself

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:05 PM on Apr. 23, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (11)
  • The only thing I can see is that it seems you were the one who kicked her out. And what do you want your DH to do, not see his DD because she doesn't want you around her?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 PM on Apr. 23, 2011

  • So basically you pushed your wishes for her life on to her without asking her if she wanted to go to college and when she didn't jump through your hoops you threw her out (which is illegal to throw someone out of their home. You have to legally evict them and good luck explaining your reasons to a judge). Then you wonder why she hates you? Did you ever ask her what she wanted to do in life? Some people don't want college but still don't know what they want. Did you offer to help her get an aptitude test to figure out what her skills are? Sorry but I see her anger. You didn't play that one right and now she's pushed you out of her life. No reason for dad to suffer with you. You made your bed...you know the rest.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on Apr. 23, 2011

  • I believe that you (and your husband) did the right thing. There were rules set in place that she refused to follow and you gave her consequences for her behavior. I think she would have done the same thing in your home that she did at her mothers ~ get pregnant. I have a niece that acts like you described. She is now like 24 years old and I think she has 5 kids by 3 different fathers. She still WON'T work; lives off of state assistance and goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. Her mother (my sister) is raising 2 of those 5 kids.

    She is angry with you because you didn't give her what she wanted! She wanted to stay at home and not follow the rules. BTW...read the 2nd Anon's post ~ the attitude presented in that comment is the same selfish attitude that your step-daughter has...that it is everyone else's responsibilities to help her and carry her along!
    7blessings

    Answer by 7blessings at 11:05 PM on Apr. 23, 2011

  • BTW, I'm curious...did she ever work when she lived with you (after graduation)? Was your husband in agreement w/you that she had to move out?
    7blessings

    Answer by 7blessings at 11:06 PM on Apr. 23, 2011

  • hugs

    sherribeare

    Answer by sherribeare at 2:03 AM on Apr. 24, 2011

  • I think it would be in your best interest to start seeing a counserlor again. This is a really hard situation you've found yourself in and it would be good for you to have someoone outside the circle to talk to. This situation is what I fear most as a step-parent. My thoughts are with you.
    Sparklecoon

    Answer by Sparklecoon at 2:14 AM on Apr. 24, 2011

  • Anon-from what I gather from the OP's question she has gone above and beyond with raising this kid. Asking her to apply and get into college isn't that much-and if she's livng in someone else's house, guess what?? SHE HAS TO FOLLOW THE RULES OR GET THE HELL OUT!! As far as evicting...well I dont give a rats ass what a judge says, if I want someone out of my damn house, they better hope their shit doesn't break when I toss it down the stairs before I change the locks! If all the daughter wants to do is mooch, make nothing out of herself and expect everyone to coddle her...I'm (not) sorry but doesn't look like that's gonna happen Anon. You and the stepbrat can take your anger and shove it where the sun don't shine!

    purplerobin

    Answer by purplerobin at 2:02 PM on Apr. 24, 2011

  • Sweetie, everything will be OK. I know that what you are going through is hell. But I am going to give you a little hope here. It is not you. She sounds as if she might have a personality disorder. Maybe what is called Borderline Personality. Please don't confuse this with being bi polar, though sometimes the two do exist in the same person. One of the defining traits of BPD is that they view people as all bad or as all good. You were her best friend, now she wants to kill you. Classic BPD. Also, not being responsible for her future and her relationships. People with BPD also claim sometimes to hear voices and to have other horrifying experiences to gain sympathy. They will create drama and hardships for those around them. They have a deep fear of abandonment usually brought on because a parent or caregiver neglected or abused them at some point. Like this child's mom. Google BPD, begin your own healing.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 3:46 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It seems as though the two of you had a great relationship and its hard to be pushed aside by someone you felt close too. She's upset and she knows that the best way to get to you is to deny you any rights to seeing her or being apart of her life. She's hurting as well and getting next to you is her revenge in a way...Although the situation is unfortunate, you cannot get her to accept you until she's ready to accept you back into her life. I know you feel resentment towards your husband but he's caught in the middle trying to pacify both ends and this may be hard on him as well. Maybe coming to terms with the fact that this relationship that you once shared with your sd may not happen can help you deal with your depression...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 2:19 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • First off ty all the comments. Sorry I havent responded sooner

    To those who think I was wrong. I dont think I was. I accepted her not going to college, its the fact that she lied about it for a year an a half. Its the fact that she has been talking since the age of 5 about singing (maybe not being famous but maybe even a chore teacher), she sang all the time she drove us all nuts. She got 2 replied back saying to come down and try out and she never went. Cold feet on her part? Maybe I dont know....

    She only worked 10 hours a week, my husband found out she told her work thats all she wanted to work.... so she got to do nothing except work two 5 hour shifts a week! We told her if you dont want to be in school then you need to work at least 30 hours a week.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:53 PM on May. 8, 2011

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