We are in the process of adopting a special needs child from out of state foster care. We have a semi open adoption with bio parents, pictures and updates. Our child spent the first 4 years of child life in a hospital because bio parents would not get neccesary training to take child home on a vent, during that time bio parents lived 30 min away and visited on average 4 times a year, bio parents also have one older child and younger children in the home. TPR was a year ago and child has been in our life for a year, and in our home 6 months, finalization is coming up very soon.
On occasion, the biofamily will send us an email thanking us for pictures and updates. In the messages bio family will often goes on and on thanking us for taking care of their child, and raising their child for them.... Often times, reading these messages, I get the impression that they basically think of us as babysitters,not parents for ''their child''. I'm getting more and more frustrating being thought of in that way and I'm starting to fear that I'm going to start looking at our child in that way, as a babysitter...
Has anyone else been through this? Am I overreacting?
Asked by Anonymous at 9:44 PM on Apr. 23, 2011 in Adoption
Answer by louise2 at 9:49 PM on Apr. 23, 2011
Answer by matthewscandi at 9:52 PM on Apr. 23, 2011
Answer by Anonymous at 10:22 PM on Apr. 23, 2011
What would make *you* comfortable in their words of appreciation? "thanks for raising our EX-child?"
I can't think of any other instance where someone thanks a parent for doing their job of raising the child under their roof. only in adoption- where everything is turned upside down and sideways. I'd say cut them some slack...they were showing appreciation towards you. not 'dissing you as only a babysitter.
Answer by adopteeme at 3:49 AM on Apr. 24, 2011
I remember when I reunited with my adoptee son five years ago. After my son and my first face-to-face meeting I sent his adoptive parents a thank you note telling them how grateful I was to them for the way they raised him. If I knew then what I knew now I would never have sent that note because it basically said "thank you for raising your own son so well". oops.
What I suggest you do is reply to them that while you appreciate their gratitude that you don't feel like you are raising their child and that when you adopted the child him/her that he/she became your child too and you don't need thanks for raising your own child. Please be nice because it sounds like they really are grateful and mean well.
And, btw, well done for continuing to include them in your child's life.
Answer by onethentwins at 4:12 AM on Apr. 24, 2011
Answer by GlitteribonMom at 4:32 PM on Apr. 24, 2011
Answer by frogdawg at 5:27 PM on Apr. 24, 2011
Answer by frogdawg at 5:32 PM on Apr. 24, 2011
Saying they abandoned a child - that would be being a giant bitch. No one can know how hard it is to feel or be responsible for bringing a child into this world with extensive medical needs.
Millions of people know what it is like to bring a child into this world with extensive medical needs. They made a choice to leave him in a hospital with rare visits and now that he has a mom and dad that love him/her and want to be his/her parents they are going to take every chance to remind the mother that she didn't give birth to him. If that makes me a giant bitch, so be it. There is a difference in telling an AP that you love your child and hope he is doing well or telling the AP "thanks for raising my kid."
Answer by matthewscandi at 9:23 PM on Apr. 24, 2011
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