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3 Bumps

Not sure how to change things with my boyfriends 11 year old daughter.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 yr. I have two children of my own a boy that is 9 yrs and a girl that is 6 yrs. He has a daughter of 11 yrs and together we have a son that is 7 months old. His daughter has always disliked me. She glances at me with these stares of hate when her father isn't looking. She won't talk to me. She won't ask me for anything even if her father is doing something and I am sitting right there. She has no sense of style for the way she dresses and won't do anything for herself. She has to be told when to take a shower and get dressed and what not. She is dress very poorly when he gets her every other weekend and I am embarassed to take her anywhere in what she is wearing. I am really frustrated and would really like to know how to get her to feel like she can talk to me and what not. Right now I just ignore that fact that she disrespects me. Please help I could use any advice.

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A_VASSAR

Asked by A_VASSAR at 8:44 AM on Apr. 25, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (22 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I meant to say very poorly dressed when he gets her every other weekend.
    A_VASSAR

    Comment by A_VASSAR (original poster) at 8:47 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • here's the thing, if she knows that you are embarassed by her than she isn't going to want to talk with you anyway. As far as not taking a shower or getting dressed and that sort of thing, I believe it is an age thing, to an extent. I know when my kids were that age they never wanted to shower and I was always telling them to shower.

    I think if you want to get her to talk with you and trust you than you need to extend the olive branch. Try taking her out for lunch or just spending some time with her. Maybe doing nails together or something like that. She has to know that she can trust you and that you are someone she can come to with things.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 8:48 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • why don't you spend some one on one time with her..make her feel special and take her on a shopping spree to get some nice clothes
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:49 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Talk to your SO about this issue.
    Personaly, I would not do anything. Unless she was doing something she had no bussiness doing. Just tell you SO you will not bring her anywhere unless he cleans her up.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:49 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • It sounds like you have issues with her? maybe she can tell you feel embarrassed or irritated at how she treats you? You dont always have to say something for your feelings to be know. Maybe you can do a girls night and ask your bf to get in on it as in encouraging her to go like a mani pedi or a move something she likes.

    whitenena

    Answer by whitenena at 8:50 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Maybe that's how she likes dressing. Ask her if she'd like to go shopping. Find out her style. If it's the style you don't like then you may have to accept her. Having dad's gf trying to change her isn't the way to get on her good side. Acceptance is vital to a young girl
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:50 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • The first thing is that she is a teen. She is a rebel. Not all the kids are but she seems to be.
    The second thing is that you are taking care of your baby 7mo which for me it can make very aware of your stepdaughter behavior. When you're taking care of a baby you can get stressed very easily. So my suggestion would be if youu don't want to take your stepdaughter out then don't do it. Set your priorities. Right now you only concern is the baby don't let your stepdaughter get to you. Having said this don't forget that you are the adult and as an adult you must try to win your stepdaughter over. Your dh would be very happy to see you both get along.
    MMXI

    Answer by MMXI at 8:54 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • When I talk about poorly dressed I mean she is not a small girl she is a little heavy set for her age and when she comes over she is wearing clothes that are to small and the shirt shows her belly and her hair looks like it hadn't been brushed or washed in a couple of days. I have boughten her clothes that fit and she looks really nice in. But they stay at our house. I have tried doing things with her one on one. She won't do them. I have had her father talk to her and he can't get anything from her she says she likes me and has no problem. I have even had them do things together in case she was jealous of me. We have brought her shopping and she won't pick anything out. We buy her thing to do at our house and all she will do is sit and watch tv. We have to tell her to find things to do besides watching TV. She doesn't even say hi to me when she walks in the door or she doesn't even say goodbye to me when she leaves.
    A_VASSAR

    Comment by A_VASSAR (original poster) at 8:58 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Could her 'dislike' of you be feelings that were projected onto her by your SO's ex? I went through a similar situation and I spoke openly with my SO when his daughter wasn't around to over hear it. I told him how I felt, the way she was treating me and asked for his help. He spoke with her when I wasn't around and discovered that she didn't care for me because her mother had convinced her that I was trying to take over her father and be the 'new mommy'. Also, how does she get along with your children? Do they live with you and your SO? It could all be jealousy, she may think that you came in and replaced his 'family' with your own...I would have him talk to her, and if you don't get anywhere with that maybe you could carve a little quiet time away from everyone so you could talk to her, explain to her that you are not a threat and you just want to see her and her dad be happy...Good luck momma I know its hard :)
    sbenbenek

    Answer by sbenbenek at 9:05 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • My Bf has talked to her alone. And we have talked to her together and neither one has worked. My children do live with me...their father has nothing to do with them and is incarcerated and with never have anything to do with them. At first her and my son didn't get along with each other but they do now. My daughter and her get along and they share a room together. I think it may have to do with by bf's ex wife putting things in her head. But i have never once tried being her mom. I told her that and I told her that she had her mom. But if she was at our house and needed something she could come and ask me or talk to me if she wasn't comfortable going to her dad.
    A_VASSAR

    Comment by A_VASSAR (original poster) at 9:12 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

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