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Hurting....

I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid my marriage might be over. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years but married less than one. I am hurting so bad right now because it seems that I can't do anything right in his eyes. My husband has custody of his boys that live with us full time. I thought that I needed to play the mother role to them since they never really had that. We had a fight the other day and I've tried so hard to take what he told me to heart and use it to better myself for our marriage. He didn't see any change. I don't get it. He seems to think I'm controlling and that everything has to go through me. That's not it at all. I just want to be included. I don't have any kids of my own and told him that was something I required if we were going to get married. He now says he doesn't want anymore. What do I do...I am hurting so much because I have no where to turn, can't talk to him because he won't even reassure that we are going to be okay. I just don't know what to do. A friend told me to just be silent because that's what his wife did to him when he felt the same way as my husband. It's really hard to do when you have two stepkids to handle as well. Please HELP!!!!

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7kNO1fan

Asked by 7kNO1fan at 12:31 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Wait a sec. What does he EXPECT you to do if the boys are with you full time? Ignore them?

    MARRIAGE COUNSELING. Go yourself if he won't go with you.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:38 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Tell him you both need to go to counseling or he needs to leave. Being silent will only make things worse for you!!

    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 12:38 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Don't be silent. That means u r ok with this and u aren't! I suggest counseling. If u want kids and your hubby doesn't, that is a major problem. He is not supporting you or backing you up so there are deep issues.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:38 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • For me, changing his mind about having more kids would be a deal-breaker. You need to think about how important that is to you and get into marriage counseling.
    eatyourveges

    Answer by eatyourveges at 12:44 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Being silent will change nothing, but it will breed resentment. Don't do that. You need to talk to him. Whether you talk at home alone, or with a counselor, you need to have a calm discussion about expectations and the future. You each need to lay out what you are expecting, not only from each other in terms of the marriage, but from each other in terms of parenting and the future. You both need to be completely open and honest, so that everyone knows exactly what everyone else wants. Then, and only then, will you be able to figure out if this is worth saving or not. You also need to look inside yourself and make some decisions before this talk: whether you really want children or not, what role you want to play in the stepkids lives, etc. This way, if his expectations don't match, you'll already know what you can and can't compromise on.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:46 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Yes, you guys definitely need to talk, at the VERY LEAST.
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 1:05 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Please get to a marriage counselor. As was said above - go yourself if your husband will not go with you. Also, if you are not feeling the counselor is helping you, go to a different counselor. Not all counselors are right for all people! Give one a true chance; but if your gut says it isn't working try someone else. Think also about whether you want to go to a male or female counselor. This, of course, depends on whether or not you have a choice - hopefully, it will be covered by insurance if you have medical insurance. Check it out carefully before you go to someone, but please, go to someone!
    dzeldaz

    Answer by dzeldaz at 1:11 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Being silent won't make the situations better. Just don't go and get pregnant knowing this too. That won't help matters. Time to have a sit down without the boys in the room. Why the change of mind to not have a baby? Maybe he can't afford it. Maybe the 2 he has now is all he can afford. Have him tell to show you the finances. A lot of women don't have any clue what coming in and going out. On paper in front of your eyes it makes it clearer. Maybe he feels he's too old. His kids are growing and he feels he doesn't want to put up with the baby stages again. Maybe he feels he needs to give his kids his attention now and bringing a new baby in the picture may mess things up. Men don't think like women, so it may be about something you aren't thinking about Just have a long talk and maybe even seek therapy
    SnapIt

    Answer by SnapIt at 1:34 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I do all the finances for the home. He informed me that he doesn't want to have one because he knows I will treat a new child that's ours differently. But doesn't that always happen. I don't have to be forced to have a connection with his boys. I have tried and tried...it's just not there. And pretending isn't making me happy. They get on my nerves so bad, I get so angry and resentful. I have never been this type of person before. I'm not sure what is wrong with me.
    7kNO1fan

    Comment by 7kNO1fan (original poster) at 1:50 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • They aren't yours, that's the problem and so he may have the right idea. If you can't deal with his and you have one from him you will favor yours more and expect for him to take your side. That will only put more pressure on your marriage. All 3 will be his, but they should all be treated equally. Before making that step you need to figure out if you can be with his kids for the long haul, before having one of your own.
    SnapIt

    Answer by SnapIt at 2:01 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

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