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Do you have a young adult like this???

I have a son who feels he comes from a dysfunctional family, he gives NO adult any respect...not even his own dad, my husband. He even said to his dad once, "Oh so now you're trying to be a dad and man up on me." My husband almost knocked the sh-- out of him...and I wanted him to. When the youth minister at our church asked how my boys are doing and when I mention this particular child, the minister says...oh no, not that one, the other ones. I have 3 teens, he's in the middle (age 21) and just doesn't want to fit in. He is also expecting his 2nd child (I just found this out on Easter). I'm PISSED!!! He moved out with the girl, won't tell me what he's doing saying he doesn't want to be cursed. We did not raise him this way. He started changing from us around 2nd grade. We just didn't know how server it was going to get. We took him to all kinds of activities that he wanted, many events, and even a one day trip to NY from Los Angeles on a school day with just him, me and hubby to see Lion King. The other boys did their special things, too, and came out fine. This child just hates adults and all his childhood friends. He's with this girl and that is all. He says he's working but won't say where yet creditors are always calling for him. I decided to no longer worry about him and when he comes over and ask for money, the answer is going to be NO.

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ladylovemm

Asked by ladylovemm at 2:51 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 10 (411 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I have a brother like that. He has many, many, many friends like that. They are all marijuana, meth, alcohol, or heroin addicts, which is soooooooo widespread in that age group. Are you sure he isn't using?
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 2:54 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Sorry to say this but I think you really have to let go of your son. I know that isn't what you want to hear.

    I think he's going to have to LIVE & LEARN. One day, when he "grows up" and comes to his senses he's going to
    realize all the screwing up he's done. One day when his kids are a bit older...hopefully not to long from now, he'll realize.

    I think he needs a dose of TOUGH LOVE.

    Good Luck
    ItsJustMe1017

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 2:55 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • His perception of his growing up is different from yours obviously. I don't see how doing all kinds of expensive "special" things makes for a better kid. When my son was young I was pretty poor. We did all kinds of free stuff. I couldn't afford to take him on a plane ride across the country for one day! And he's your son's age now. He's a very respectful young man. He works hard. He saves his money. Yeah, we differ on opinions at times but we can discuss things in a nice way & agree to disagree. It sounds like your son is just off on the wrong track for whatever reason & giving him money isn't going to fix that (i think you are getting a clue about that) Don't enable his behavior.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Hate to say it but I'm pretty sure that's my ss .....wait no that's your son...lol just kidding. I thought we talking about the same kid for a minute. I know I shouldn't make light of your situation but it's way more common than you think. Let him go and move on with your life. Life is too short to spend it with regrets and trying to fix things that are not fixable.

    darter

    Answer by darter at 3:05 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Sometimes, Mommys need to learn to let go. He is a big boy. If he has money issues, that's his problem. He has issues with adults... His problem. Don't bash him, be there for him so that when he realizes he wants you in his life, you will be there and he will know that. I'd be mad if any pastor from my church pretty much dismissed any of my kids regardless of behavior issues. And he is no longer a teen. You don't have 3 teens, maybe only 1. Don't treat him like a child, he is now an adult, treat him like one, you aren't going to be able to change him.
    BabyBugsmama

    Answer by BabyBugsmama at 3:17 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • WOW thanks. When the creditors call, I simply say he doesn't live here or if they mispronounce his name, I say I don't know that person and hang up. Also, regarding the plane ride...my hubby works for the airlines. It cost less than $75 for his ticket, otherwise we would not have done it. I have let go...it's hard, but I no longer let him borrow money to pay a phone bill anymore as he has never repaid me. Sad to hear that so many of you know others or yourself who are in this situation. And, no, he is not using any drugs, we would all be able to tell. He's just a smart-ass.
    ladylovemm

    Comment by ladylovemm (original poster) at 4:13 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I feel like maybe he has an imbalance or something, maybe some counseling would help. If he refuses to go maybe you could convince him that if he feels he is from such a dysfunctional family that he should get some counseling so that it doesn't continue ruining his life (which is obviously his opinion, not yours, but whatever gets him to see someone would be ok with me). And I would stop giving him money, he is old enough, out on his own and a father so he should be financially responsible. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it really sounds like something that is an issue with him personally. If it was bad parenting or a dysfunctional family I would expect your other sons to have similar sentiments to their brother's. I know that doesn't really make it better, just because it might not be your fault doesn't mean you want to see your son stumbling thru life. Keep loving him but maybe step back a bit. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:45 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • He's fine. He has to find his own way. Many kids do things the exact opposite as their parents. Just let him figure it all out on his own. If creditors call just say he doesn't live there and stop calling your house.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:45 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • He told me once that he was in counseling and that the counselor agreed with him. When I asked whether we could do a group session, he said he didn't want to. Fine. His brothers and old friends sees him as a Walter Mitty (the guy who lives in a fantasy regarding himself) because he is always making up stories of how great he's doing yet, we see different. His mantra is Don't worry about it...I'm doing fine...It's none of your business...I will respect him and love my grandkid(s). His girlfriend comes over, never speaks and when he and I are alone, he says it's because I am mean to her and that is why no one likes me. When I told this to his brothers, they laughed and said that all their friends love me and visit even when they aren't home. We all know it's him and whatever drama he is making up regarding my family for her. She, too, is choosing to disrespect by having a bad attitude.
    ladylovemm

    Comment by ladylovemm (original poster) at 5:37 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • He doesn't want you to go to the counselor because he doesn't want them to hear the other side of things. He doesn't want to get better, he just wants to be right.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

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