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It has been ten years?

My dd is eleven years old. Me and my dh have been raising her since she was a baby. He's not her dad, but he is a great step dad. Well my dd has been getting older, she has been asking me to meet her bio dad, so as a mom I did everything to find a man I haven't heard from since she was one. It didn't take me and her long to find him on fb. He said he wants to be a part of her life and I know that is why she wanted to find him. My dd has always had a lot of problems meeting new people but when she meet him for the first time, she was more then willing to accept him and his wife. idky. Her and him want things to happen over night but I'm scared to let that happen. What if he leaves her again. She's not a baby any more. I also feel like I took care of her for eleven years with no help from him, but now he wants me to share her. Around my dd I act like he doesn't bother me but every time he calls, it does. Why does he irritate me? I always know someday she would want to know who he is, but I never know it would make me feel the way I do, even though I would never tell my dd.

 
Kimberly71682

Asked by Kimberly71682 at 4:28 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 17 (3,993 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • It's a hard situation. Honestly the best thing you can do is step back and let things happen. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and don't look at him like he's going to mess up, give him a chance. If you weren't territorial with your DD I would worry, you have been the one to take care of her, kiss away the tears, hug her, kiss the ouchies, you have raised her and now someone wants to come into her life that should have been there but wasn't. He basically abandoned her and now that most of the stuff is done he's all willing to step in like he was never gone....It sucks......but as her mom, if you don't step back and let them both go at your DD pace, she will blame you for it. Just be there to pick up the pieces if he does walk away, but look at it like this, she has someone else in her life that will love her, and kids today can never have to much love. Good Luck hun, I know it's hard.
    kitchenwitch78

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 4:45 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • here's the thing, if you make him pay child support he is going to want more in the way of visitation and that sort of thing. This is what I did. When my son turned 10 I told him about his bio father. He has never really wanted to get to know him although as he gets older he does ask more questions. I think what you have to do is let her talk with him. I know how hard this can be and I know you don't want her to get hurt. If he leaves again be there for her, don't say anything like "I knew this would happen." Just be there so she can talk to you and cry on your shoulder. Also, talk with your DH about how you feel and lean on him as much as you can. Lastly, maybe you could talk to you EX and see what he is thinking. If you aren't comfortable with that then just try not to let it bother you. You DD knows that you have taken care of her and I am sure that won't change. Good Luck!

    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 4:50 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I know exactly how you feel and how she feels, for I was once in her shoes. The only thing you can do really is , try it! Take baby steps, "that ", you have control over.I met my father for the first time, around her age. I was excited and very interested in getting to know him but the newness, did wear off! Your daughter's situation may end differently, I don't know but to this day, I don't speak to him. I also know how you fee,l being that my daughters bio father made" somewhat" of an attempt to know her but that fell through as well. It's all in the person, I don't mean to discourage you, just letting you know , I do know how you feel. When her father did come around, I did feel jealous and overprotective like, "That's My Territory!" I did everything from the day she was born, now years later, you wanna play DADDY? It's hard, that's why I suggested "Baby Steps" for your sake and hers! Good Luck Mom!

    anichols1

    Answer by anichols1 at 5:10 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I hope he is paying child support? if not make him pay.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:43 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I did this all for my dd. He has never supported her but its not about the money. As long as my dd is happy then I don't care about the money. My dd doesn't think well he never helped support me, just that she wants to know where she came from and why shes different then her brothers(She is bi racial) She is half Mexican and Caucasian. I hate him but I love her way more then the hate I have for him.
    Kimberly71682

    Comment by Kimberly71682 (original poster) at 4:51 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I have 2 DD's and both their fathers where not in their lives. When they asked about their fathers I was honest. I do not know where they are and when you are grown you can spend your money looking for him/them. Their fathers never looked for them. If they did I would have made them pay child support. Just me I guess.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:09 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • You're a stronger person than I am! I have told both of my older kids that I will help them find their bios when they are 16. I think before then they are going through far too much. With growing up and going through puberty, I don't need them running off to their bio dad's everytime they get angry with me. There is far too much going on emotionally.
    cheez1e

    Answer by cheez1e at 9:44 PM on Apr. 25, 2011