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Absent father returns

my child's father has come back after 6 yrs. she's soon to be 7 in a few months. he's never been here for her. he thinks i'm waay too lenient and that she's disrespectful toward's other's. he asked her for a hug last week, this twice after seeing her since she was born, she refused and i'm getting all kinds of "you don't teach her manners... she doesn't know how to act... he's completly making me feel horrible about the way i've raised her. she's a child. she's not used to him yet. i've explained that to him. she can't be forced to be used to him after all this time in just a few weeks. he says it doesnt matter and still demands respect from her. i don't know what to do or say. I dont think it's fair after all this time to come back and demand i be a better parent. he refuses to speak w/ her after this past incident until he's ready to because she's sooo disrespectful.

 

Update:  He has no visitation rights, just came back about 3 weeks ago.. just hung up on me while i'm talking w/ her. tells me i dont teach her any manners. just wanted to cry on the phone. he's NEVER been here at all! now after all this time, she's supposed to be comfortable? i keep telling him, she's only 6, he's response is "you baby her too much, she know's what she's doing". He actually ended up leaving that day after she refused a hug after asking three times. i asked him well would you give your father a hug after all this time after not seeing him? he's response was "yes, that's my father regardless and he deserves respect". 

 

Update,Update: just got off the phone after a while texting back and forth: he feels she's gonna drive him back to drinking and smoking weed since sh'es been soo disrespectful after 2 visits. Him being around her is not healthy for him, he's spoken with his parent's who agree. mind you they have never met their grandchild. he doesnt like being disrespected or treated in a certain way. he gave her two weeks to change her attitude and she didnt. he's had enough. he can't talk sense into me. i only care about her feelings and i'm always taking up for her. i dont see his side. he's done being around her. i told him she asked in daycare why he never picked her up he replied "cuz other kids are not disrespectful" wth? he says he gave her respect. she needs to respect him. I'm too busy defending her "lil dumb azz". i'm never going to see his point. he's done with the situation after three weeks. all his anger is her. and she's driving him to drink again he's leaving this city and for me to have a good life. life aint fair, her treating him like that aint fair. he's done being around her. she's not willing to change and he's done. she treats him a certain way that makes him not want to be around her.

 

this whole conversation was crazy! and soo just wow.

Answer Question
 
BELLASMOMMIE

Asked by BELLASMOMMIE at 8:15 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • does he have visitation rights?
    peanutsmommy1

    Answer by peanutsmommy1 at 8:16 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • he's being a stupid immature child. now he won't speak to her because she refused to hug him? what an ASS. if it were me i'd tell him she was only giving him a taste of his own medicine, not hugging him because he refused to be a father for 6 years. how dare he go and turn this around on her! she doesn't HAVE to hug ANYONE, especially a stranger who turned his back on her. i would tell him not to call until he owns up to his own mistakes and learns a bit of maturity.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 8:21 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • there is no reason that he even needs to see her. unless i was court ordered i would not let him see her. 7 years gone and NOW he wants to be a parent?! im sure he hasnt paid any support either. dont feel bad youve done what you feel is right and he has no say in it! youre the mom and he is just the donor.
    mykidsmom86

    Answer by mykidsmom86 at 8:22 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Step up to the plate and tell him yes after six years or seven you have to earn her respect and he is trying to manipulate you do not feel bad because he did not man up he bitched out. Tell him when he does the right thing she will see and start to trust him again and respect will have to be earned not demanded or forced.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 8:25 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Same as pink dragon here. It is time for you to keep the power you deserve ! He has no right to judge you. Why was he gone and what brought him back? He sounds like a judgemental controller with possibly some verbal abuse tendancies. If it is not healthy for him to be around then maybe you can change his rights based on the past. You are better off on your own then to have to deal with his negative character defects. Remind him of that next time he tries to play Mr. Know it all. Find your backbone and don't let him bully you ! Do NOT be submissive to him, just keep doing what you are doing and don't give him any power, he abandoned you .
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 8:33 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Yeah, my ex has not been in his daughter's life, she is now 14. He called me up the other day and was like "why doesn't she tell me that she loves me?" I'm like, "she doesn't know you." and he got mad. I'm honest with him. You know what? Who cares if he won't talk to her? It's his problem, he is the one who looks like an ass, and your daughter isn't stupid.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 8:34 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I'm going through the same thing as you, my dd bio dad hasn't seen her in ten years. I'm allowing it but when she asked if she had to call him dad, he told her baby steps. He wants her to get to know him. He shacks her hand and shes 11. He wants to spend time with her and get to know her and when she is comfortable with hugs and saying dad then she will. It will take time. He needs to be paient with her, she has already had to be patient for him waiting for him to man up and be a dad.
    Kimberly71682

    Answer by Kimberly71682 at 8:58 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Oh HELL NO. I would be letting him know that he gave up the right to have any say in how she was raised when he walked out for 7 years...and that NO, he doesn't get respected for being an effin deadbeat 7 years...that is like saying you should be respected for being a criminal loser. Neglect is criminal. Being gone 7 years makes him a loser. He wants all this authority and hasn't earned it, and on top of that, has zero legal right to it. I would be putting him on notice that the ONLY reason he is seeing his daughter now is that YOU allow it, and that if he doesn't keep his tone in check, it won't be happening anymore.

    Hell, he is already walking back out on her after 3 weeks? WTF is she supposed to respect?

    WHAT A DOUCHE BAG.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:06 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • just read your update, she treats him exactly how he should be treated: like a piece of shit! honestly don't even let this guy get to you. he sounds a lot like the bio-dad of my oldest. super controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive and very immature. my dd doesn't know her dad either and she's 4. he came around once last year and "didn't understand" why she was shy around him. and now he's disappeared again using the excuse that it's my fault he's not in her life. haha okay! some people are just sperm donors and nothing more. you and your daughter both deserve so much more.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 7:28 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • WOW! what a drama queen he is. How dare he blame a 6 year old. Him asking her for a hug would be the same as a stranger doing it and demanding a hug back, he must be nuts. And seeing her as unhealthy for him? He has that TOTALLY backwards. Maybe its better he just goes away i don't even want to think about how it would mess her up to be in contact with a dad who has the nerve to blame her for his issues
    Genice6

    Answer by Genice6 at 9:58 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

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