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Step-parenting

If DH and his ex ever settle their custody (court is in 2 weeks, crossing my fingers), I'm going to be an official step-mom. SD is only 15 months right now, so I'm not too worried...but what about when she grows up? I'm afraid she'll hate me, since BM does. Anyone been SM's since a young age? How has it panned out thru the years?

 
JustCantWait88

Asked by JustCantWait88 at 10:25 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in General Parenting

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Answers (7)
  • My son is 28, he was 4 when I met my current husband. My ex said terrible things about my husband and me to my son. when he was a child. My husband & I made a point of not doing the same. My husband just loved him, he coached little league for him, did science projects with him, went to his school plays etc. If you ask my son about his dad, he'll assume you're talking about my husband. It didn't matter how my ex felt about me or my husband, my son developed his own relationship. Unfortunately, my ex's attitude really hurt his relationship with his own son, exactly the opposite of what he was trying to do....usually that stuff backfires.

    So, just love her, treat her as your daughter & you will develop your own relationship with her. Try not to undermine her mother to her, she'll see for herself what really happens. It's normal to have challenges even w/ your biological children, so never make the challenges about being "step".
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:35 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I would think it would be easier and more of a chance to be liked if you know the baby from an earlier age.
    Just treat her like you would your own child and I bet you'll be fine.
    ItsJustMe1017

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:29 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I've known my sd since her first birthday. In her memory, she doesn't know life without me. I made it a priority to spend time with her, share activities with her, and have day trips/"outings" with just the two of us. I think it really helped to establish our relationship as uniquely ours.

    The important thing to remember is what your role and relationship is. You are uniquely her stepmom. Not a mom, grandma, aunt, friend, teacher, etc. But her stepmom. make that role yours! I don't talk badly about her mom, I don't claim to be her mom to her, I emphasise the relationship the two of us have together. I think in that way, she feels less the need to be on the offensive about her mom, I don't make her choose a favorite between two moms, she has a mom and she has a stepmom. She loves us both; I don't ask her to say who she loves more and when she starts to talk about it, I just stop her. She doesn't need pick.
    pioneergirl10

    Answer by pioneergirl10 at 12:28 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • My son has a relationship with Bio Dad and my dh. He calls my dh dad and always has by his own choice. He calls bio dad dad too or sometimes his name. My dh has always made a point of letting ds know that he is a son to him but never deminishes bio dad as a dad either (and trust me he could bio isnt great) The relationship they have is completely special to them and not even like the one dh has with his bio son. Although he is active in discpline, love, teaching, and every other aspect of life he has found a way to make a special relationship that is right for them. You can do that too. My ds has never known life without dh and they wouldnt change their relationship (except they both want more time together but a 60 hr a week job limits it) Good Luck
    alligurl186

    Answer by alligurl186 at 2:00 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • That's my plan =] I just have a feeling that BM will be bad mouthing both me and DH as SD grows up...
    JustCantWait88

    Comment by JustCantWait88 (original poster) at 10:30 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Thank you. DH and I have talked about not letting SD or DD know how we truly feel about BM. I don't want to put that burden on either of them, and put SD against her mother. I think that's what BM thinks we want to do, and fuels some of her anger towards us. I already love the crap out of SD, and I've only seen her twice...I hope this all ends soon, so we can ALL move on with our lives.
    JustCantWait88

    Comment by JustCantWait88 (original poster) at 10:45 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • i wish u the best good luck
    vgaines

    Answer by vgaines at 1:30 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

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