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2 Bumps

Mother in law treats me badly because of what her other daughter in law did....

My husbands brother married a woman a few years ago who had 2 boys, she got pregnant so they quickly got married, he instantly started taking care of the boys , everyone in their family did , she barely had them or took care of them, their bio father wasnt in the picture so he planned on adopting them, when the time came when he was able to adopt them she wouldnt let him.... she treated him badly, ended up taking the boys away from him and the family and then he found out the new baby wasnt his either....

and now his family acts like they don't like me because of her, they think I am the same, my MIL even told me this.

I mean it is odd because there is similarities - i too have a child ( a little girl ) from a previous marriage ( her bio father divorced me and signed his rights over to her), my husband and I had a quicky marriage and found out 2 months later we are expecting baby # 2 , and he also plans on adopting my daughter ( he is a man who even if our marriage didnt work out I could trust him to still be in her life ) ... BUT i take care of my child , I love being a mom and I always put my babies and my husband before myself ( something the other DIL obviously didnt do) , I am young, but I feel like I have a "mature personality" ( as in I have hobbies like a 40 year old woman lol ) , even if we have problem I would never behave the way she did..

I mean I know her and I have some similarites but I am in no way like her, I wont betray a family for a good time or mistreat anyone, that just isnt who I am ..... and it really hurts that they cant see it yet, maybe it is pregnancy moods or something but I just cry over this all of the time, but I am afriad if i try and talk to her about it, it will just turn out embarrasing ... I thought of maybe writing a letter , do you think that would be too "cheesy" ?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:53 PM on Apr. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • No, if ur mil straight up told u that she thinks u r like that then it is not too cheesy.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 10:55 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • no i think if you put your feelings and try to put her mind at ease is a good idea, however if she still continue that behavior let your husband talk to her. Its not fair for you to pay for another's mistakes
    rhonda111787

    Answer by rhonda111787 at 10:57 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • There is nothing wrong with wanting to write her a letter. It's very nice of you to be willing to work on this even though you MIL is acting very childish. Good luck to you (c:
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 11:02 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • I wouldn't write to her or anything. If I were you, I would just continue being myself, doing what I do to take care of my family, and I would try not to take it personally. I know that's hard to do, especially now with the hormones and everything, but it sounds like she doesn't know you very well and that, fair or not, she's feeling "once burned twice shy". If the topic comes up again (and I wouldn't bring it up - just if it does, like if she says anything or if someone else does) - then I would probably say something like "I understand that the family and __ (bil's name) was really hurt by the situation with ___ (ex dil), and that, on the surface, she and I have some similarities. But I hope that with time, as everyone gets to know me better, they'll see that when it comes to what's important __ (ex dil) and I are nothing alike.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:04 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • cont

    Because no matter how much you say that you aren't like the other dil, right now, your mil doesn't want to hear or believe it, so the more you insist with words that it isn't true, the more difficult it's going to make things, and the more she's going to not like and resent you, and the more bridges that are going to be burned.

    If you take the attitude and approach that you understand that they were hurt, and you wish that they could see that you aren't like that, you understand that they don't know you well enough yet to be able to trust that, then you will have taken the higher road. And that could go a long way towards helping convince them that you AREN'T like the other one, and make things easier all around for them to come around.

    (Sort of like how I wasn't offended when my now dh then fiancee told his mom that I was pg. Because of where we were stationed, she hadn't ever met me.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:08 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • cont

    She hadn't ever met me, and my dh had been engaged before - to a woman that cheated on him and got pg by the other guy. My mil asked my dh if he was sure that our baby was his. Yes, on the surface, that's insulting to me - BUT - she didn't know me, and she knew how much my dh had been hurt by his ex, and she was looking out for her son and her family. So I didn't take it as an insult, and once she got to know me, she knew beyond a doubt that our son was her grandchild (lol - plus, he looks just like his dad...). Now, if she had said the same thing when our dd was born, that would have been different... Like I said, I just let it go and accepted that they didn't know me yet, and gave it time. Now my mil and I are closer in a lot of ways than I am to my own mom!

    good luck, hang in there, and try to be patient - they'll come around!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:11 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • You can't talk your inlaws out of feeling this way. I would not send them a letter or anything. The only thing that is going to change their minds is your actions over time.
    momofkids

    Answer by momofkids at 5:55 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • No. Crying during pregnancy is normal. Being treated badly is not. You need to talk to your MIL again; sit down with her and express your feelings. If that doesn't help, then I would put it in writing and also ask my husband to help also by talking to her. Don't give up. By doing small things like calling her, visiting her, or whatever you feel like doing prove to her that you are a better person. I'm not saying "knock your brains out" by making this a daily priority, but "kill" her with kindness. Remember "you catch more bees with honey!" And "If at first you don't succeed, then try, try again." If you need to cry, let it out; keeping your emotions inside will only cause you more pain. Good luck!
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 9:09 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

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