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Having A Life Outside Your Kids...

Ok, so I'm single, active and young and twenty-one years old and I have a two year old daughter. Once in a while, I like to go out on a Saturday, when I can get my mother to keep Alice overnight. I love my daughter but my sisters, my mother, and my sister-in-law all gave up everything when they had kids. They didn't try and cultivate friendships much more then the friendly water cooler relationships at work or, in the case of my sister, who's a stay at home mom, friendly relationships with her the parents of her kids' classmates. They rarely go out without their kids, unless it's with their husbands and that's rare. I like to go clubbing with friends or go to movies and, drink on occasion but, every time I go out, my mother pitches a fit and says I'm selfish because my life should be all about my child now.

I rarely go off without my child, maybe once or twice a month, and if she's sick, I don't go, and if my mother can't keep her, I don't go. I love my child but I don't want my child to be my whole life. I want to be able to have friends and have fun. In 16 years, when she goes to collage, I don't want my life to feel completely empty and have no idea what to do next. I want my child to be able to get along without me as well, when she is older. My nieces and nephews don't know what do do without their parent's up their butts all of the time. They can't make decisions on their own and they can't take care of themselves. I want to always be there for my child but I know there will come a time when I can't be there for it. It's a simple and painful fact, and I want her to know that she can do things for herself. I'm tired of my mother and sisters acting like I'm a selfish bitch because my child is not my whole life, even though she is most of it. What do you think?

Answer Question
 
Razzle_Dazzle1

Asked by Razzle_Dazzle1 at 5:55 PM on Apr. 26, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 18 (5,775 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • There is nothing wrong with having a life. Im married and I still have a life outside my family, it's healthy for me and very healthy for my kids. I think people that are calling you selfish are just jealous
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 5:59 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • Well if that's how you want to raise your daughter than that is your choice. No one elses to judge. Me and my DH did all that before having our son so right now, he is our whole life. I was 28 and my Dh was 35 when he was born so that does make a difference. We no longer WANT to go out and drink and party and "hang out" - I feel even though we are around him all the time, we are teaching him tools to figure things out on his own, even though we are "up his butt" meaning we are wanting to be around him all the time
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 6:01 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to have a life outside you child. My mother always told me to have friends and have a life because she never did. At this point in my life, since I had children at a young age, most of my friends are moms. We still go out to comedy shows, concerts, dinner, clubs and all sort of other things. Sometimes we get together with the kids and sometimes we don't. Since I have a husband, when I go out with my friends he is usually watching the kids although if we go out with a group of friends my mom will watch the kids.


     I say, have fun and know that your child will thank you when she gets older. My DD was in the hospital for 2 months this summer and while I leaned on my family alot, my friends were just as important. It reminded me of how lucky I am to have made the friends I have. With out them I would be lost at times.


    Good Luck!

    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 6:08 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • Razzle, everyone is different . . and every parent has different needs. I waited until my late 20's to get married and my 30's to have babies. I spent my 20's socializing, learning, having fun, traveling. Now that I have kids, I prefer everything to be about my family . . . . they and my husband. I don't really have any desire to socialize outside of them, and I am not going to give up weekend time with my husband to be with my girlfriends.

    But, I am older and I am married. If I were single, I would probably be trying to put myself out there.

    Just don't let anyone make you feel badly . . . everyone had different needs and opinions.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 6:10 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • You're not being selfish going out once or twice a month. It's fine and she will not suffer because mom got to go and do something with the girls. A happy mom is a good mom.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 6:11 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • I don't think that you are selfish for wanting to go out every once in a while. I have also seen it the other way, where it is out of control. As long as you are spending quality time with your daughter, I don't see it as a bad thing for you to go out once in a while.

    I have an almost three year old, pregnant with the second, and we went out this weekend for a friend's birthday. Its nice to get some "adult time" and not have to worry about our daughter. My parents are MORE THAN HAPPY to take her, they're always telling me they don't get her enough! LOL

    If your mom continued treating you that way, I would personally find a sitter, they aren't going to complain that you go out! :-)
    FatGirl239

    Answer by FatGirl239 at 6:20 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • No its not selfish to want to go out. You are still very young. What needs to happen though is you and your mom (and don't worry about your sisters if it does not affect them) need to have some serious talks about what she expects and what you expect. Try to come to some compromise and get really specific with your mom like... "I want to go out every Friday, or every other Friday" that way both of you are on the same page. That would show her that you are responsible and more mature that she thinks. Also, maybe when you are out try calling home at least 1x and ask how the baby is doing that way your mom knows you are not forgetting that you are a parent. I hope you and your family work something out!
    kittymom83

    Answer by kittymom83 at 6:27 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • There is nothing wrong with going out,and hey if mom protest just tell her you arn't being selfish you just want your daughter to have a great relationship with her grammy:)
    jmann83

    Answer by jmann83 at 6:37 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • I agree and disagree with you.

    I think it is true that you need to keep true to the things you love to do... hobbies, sports, friendships, etc. You need to be a well rounded person to be the best parent possible.

    However,

    I disagree that "clubbing" qualifies as a way to do this in a healthy manor.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:39 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • I am with anon, clubbing isnt the answer, why not go hiking with friends, or camping...etc., that is what I do twice a year!
    JoLee12345

    Answer by JoLee12345 at 7:50 PM on Apr. 26, 2011

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