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My dd is not doing well in school

She is 12 & it seems like no matter what punishments or what she misses out on, she still just seems lazy and does not care. I know she can do the work. We even went to counseling and while seeing her, she pulled all her grades up and did fine. So, I'm feeling its just a game for her.
It really upser me, that she is failing. How do I get her to feel the same? To care, to want to do good. I'm frustrated by the entire situation. Oh, and she doesn't want to play sports or anything, I thought the team and being able to play if passing. Nope, she's just happy being a bum! Ugh...


Asked by SassySue123 at 5:53 AM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 22 (15,168 Credits)
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Answers (11)
  • I made the same mistake as well...My oldest son has always been a straight A student, loves learning, puts in 110% effort on every project even the small ones, goes out of his way to watch his grades and work with the teachers for extra credit if its warranted etc....I made a horrible mistake assuming my second son would be the same. I tried to catch it early got him in an IEP by 1st grade and things seemed okay, but the minute the IEP was gone so were the grades. I actually feel very guilty I didn't do that I know though I can help him understand and improve. Now its time to simply become even more active to keep him on the right track.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 1:41 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • I think if counseling worked to help her get her grades up than either she needs to go back or there was something that helped her there. I wonder if instead of punishing her for getting bad grades you reward her for good ones. Kids are their own people and as they get older they control more and more of their lives. It sounds like she is looking for some control and this is her way of getting it. You can't force her to get good grades and punishing her doens't help so you have to look deeper. Try talking to her without yelling and really listen to what she has to say.

    Good Luck!

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 6:07 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I'm going through the same thing with my son. Legitamately he did have some learning inabilities and was in an IEP, when that ended this year (because he tested out) his grades dropped. I assumed it was because he was no longer getting the help, what I realized was that he could absolutely do the work, he like your daughter is lazy. When I asked him why he didn't want to do it or get the grades I knew he could (even just C's would be okay for now), he told me he didn't want people to think he was smart, that his friends didn't get good grades (everyone has D's) and that if you're smart you do more work. I had to explain to him if he failed he would repeat the grade while some of his classmates moved on, and did he really want to look like he wasn't smart enough to pass. I also told him that if he can't do well in school tha the goals for his future may not be met....

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 3:04 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I struggled for a few weeks repeating this same conversation and even had his older brother who is a sophomore in HS talk to him about what to expect as he continues through school. Somehow it finally clicked little bit and he started bringing the work home. I've found that if I sit down with him and we do it together he's more receptive. For my son I think part of it was seeking attention that maybe I wasn't giving him or didn't realize I wasn't giving him. So we work it together now and he's doing a lot better...those very low F's are High D's (not great but from where started I'm happy). The goal is C's by the end of the year and next year we'll try harder and get a tutor as well. I'd suggest you keep talking, keep sharng with her the importance of not just grades but follow through...My son needs to learn some time management which I also think is going to start helping. It frustrating and very scary as a parent.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 3:08 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • We tried rewards, as part of the counseling. She's one of those kids that could okay with a dust bunny, if that's all you left in her room for her. I've tried rewards and punishment. I really, feel and she's sorta admitted that she's just lazy. She doesn't feel like doing the work & so she doesn't. She often responds to me with, I made a 70, its passing & that's good enough for her. But you have a few 70's and a zero = Failing! Her teachers have worked with her and given her second chances. So, she had not actually failed a semester, but she can't keep skimming by...

    Comment by SassySue123 (original poster) at 6:16 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • She may be bored. Or could have a learning disability like dyslexia. Did they test her IQ while she was is counseling? 


    Answer by luvmygrlz at 6:41 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • If counseling helped, was there a reason you quit going? I would continue going to counseling until she realizes that the only way she's not going to have to go, is when she can keep up her grades without going.

    Answer by Flippindadaisie at 7:03 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • She was doing fine when we left counseling. In other words she told the counselor what she wanted to hear & played nice to get out of
    it. This may sound mean but end of the year dance and trips are coming up & I'm afraid it maybe to late for her but no pass, no play. She might be spending some time in the office instead of having fun.. maybe this will get to her, but she'd never admit it.

    Comment by SassySue123 (original poster) at 7:19 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Have you tried tutoring? I'd start that, and get her back into counseling. And maybe try an incentive that if she gets good grades all week, she can eat out at the restaraunt of her choice, or go see a movie, or go shopping for one item (and set a price limit).

    Answer by laird6372 at 8:18 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Please ask her how she is going to feel when her friends will be going to the next grade, and she will still be in the grade she is in now.
    If you can, get one of her friends to ask her why she does not like school? Maybe they can get an answer for you.

    Answer by jana741 at 11:06 AM on Apr. 27, 2011