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How to deal with step children?

I have a 15 and 11 yr old step sons. The 11 yr old has Aspergers, he is adjusting to our new life as a family very well. However, the 15 yr old is very negative and can be rude. I know everyone will say its a teenage thing, well i dont believe it I personally have 2 children of my own and not once have they been rude or negative. I know the mother is jealous of my relationship with her boys and she clearly has told them this. She is very manipulative and negative herself. There is a long history to much to write but I'm trying to instill positive and loving environment for the boys. I'm finding it hard to fight the negativity everyday we have them. Does any one know or can give me some advice on how to deal with such negativity? Oh and according to the 15 yr old nothing we do or have is good enough.

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Valerie377

Asked by Valerie377 at 7:43 AM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I think the first thing to do is refer them as your sons. Not step children. Then, act like their Mom. If he's rude, tell him that he should show you the respect you show him. Give him respect and you'll earn it back. But understand that he can control his mood and his words... he can't control where he lives or who is father marries... so give him a little slack. He's just trying to express himself.
    Flippindadaisie

    Answer by Flippindadaisie at 7:45 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • How much time do they visit. Ocationally or every weekend? Or do they live with you full time? Depending on how much time you spend with them, is how you handle/deal them?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:51 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I have and still do everything your talking about..Actually him and I have good conversations now its just when he comes here after being with her he becomes distant and rude comments are said. Actually we talked about me in his life and he tells me that he likes it better with me in it but his mom is bothered that we talk. So I think he gets so conflicted with the situation its easier to take it out on me. i tell him that in our home if we dont have anything nice to say we keep it to our selves as far as being rude. He can talk and express his feelings even his dislikes and we talk about it. We get them every other weekend and 1 day during the week. It seems like we start moving forward then we are right back to where we were in the beginning. She took them to FL for 2 weeks, his father tryed calling and txting him while they were away even had to leave a messege telling him Happy Easter with no response.
    Valerie377

    Comment by Valerie377 (original poster) at 8:06 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I think the 15 year old summed it up...
    I'm also a step mom to 3. O the baby mama drama! The real problem with the kids, according to the psych is they displace all thier emotions on to the step parent. It sounds like your step son can't show how upset he is over the divorce. He probobly even blames himself. He has to be perfect for his mom so she'll come back. This means he takes it out on you. I suggest counseling. Blended families are tough! Our divorce rate is much higher for the first five years of marriage, but after that we have very high success rates. Even better than a traditional household!
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 8:52 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • being the bio mom of a 15yr dd i have to say part of that is hormones and part if the feelings of being pulled in two directions, i'm sorry bio mom is like that but there are always to side to every story (we werent present in their marriage).....just be happy he is showing up at all at that age because after 12 (at least here in CA) the kids have a choice to go or not...and my dd's refuse to go see thier day every week....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 9:27 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I am the step to a 9yr old dd. We had a ROCKY, ATTITUDE, BACK TALKING, YELLING, DEFYANT beginning.... adjusting is one thing but having the other parent Question what the child did while here day by day was CRAZY!!! Then she would get home to mom and mom is doing nothing but bad talking me!!! So again ( 50/50 - joint) it would take us 2 days to get her to relax and understand that I am NOT her mother nor am I trying to fill that position. BUT SHE WILL RESPECT ME. We go to the parks together, cook, homework, activities, etc. Now she only gets mouthy w/her dad....lol I just shake my head and walk away . Of course he disciplines her for it .
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 10:44 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • first off when he comes back from his moms..stop him at the door and say ok if you have any rude comments or behaviors leave them outside please..they are not welcome here..then greet him in a pleasant way and go from there..after he has been home and these comments come up say ok you need to step to the door and leave your comments outside they are not welcome here..just pretty much call him on his crap..i have a sd thats 14 and when i call her on her junk she gets mad but she knows it will not be tolerated
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I was a step daughter at 15 and I was awful to my mom's new husband. I thought I hated him. I really hated that my parents got divorced and before the ink was dry my mom was engaged to someone we didn't know. I really was so mad at my mom, and my dad, but they are my parents who I love so it was much easier to blame it all on my step dad. Now I know better, of course, and I am an adult with maturity and perspective, and we get along well. But my sister still harbors resentment. I guess I'm just telling you that it really isn't personal, which probably doesn't make it easier for you, but your step son didn't sign up for any of this and it's a lot of pressure to keep his mom happy, and you happy. Maybe just remind him that you know he is under stress and that he doesn't have to choose between you and his mom, she can be his mom and you can be an adult in his life to love and support him. Be strong and it will get better. GL.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 8:42 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Thank you for all your support and great advice. I can relate to what everyone is saying there is so much truth to it all.
    Valerie377

    Comment by Valerie377 (original poster) at 6:59 AM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • idk sorry
    mommyof3-2008

    Answer by mommyof3-2008 at 12:10 PM on May. 19, 2011

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