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Feeling rejected

I have a 18 yr old son who will be graduating in June. He has lived with his paternal grandma since he was 4. The last 15 yrs have been hell for me because of this controlling family. My son hates my husband that I've been with the last 16 yrs. My son tells me that I've never been there for him because I married my husband. I've have always been there when he needs me. His controlling dad's family has controlled every move he makes and mine when it comes to him. Since he's graduating, I want to give him a graduation party and he says you can, but he won't be there! He says his grandma is giving him a party and that me and my family should go to that. My family or me do not want to go and be around these people. He thinks his dad's family is best thing ever and they have put him on a pedestal and told him things to make me and my family look bad. I cannot have a good relationship with him because of the fear I have of this family. I'm ready to cut my ties from him just so I can have some peace in my life. What should I do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:29 AM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (9)
  • I am sure he has felt rejected too, do not see a reason why he had to go live with grandma if mom was around, you get what you give in this world.
    older

    Answer by older at 9:31 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • He lives with his dad and his mom. I have always been there for him, but they do not like me or my family and they have made him feel this way also. He's an adult and he can't even make his own decisions or fight his own fights. I've tried talking with him about our problems, but this family gets in the middle.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:42 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I would go to the party his grandma is having for him,, I am curious to know why he lives full time with grandma/dad? He will probably come around when he is older, but this is HIS day, and you should respect his wishes,, BTW--why does he not like stepdad?
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 9:54 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • There is no doubt you both have experienced rejection.   You may or may not be able to comprehend it fully from your son's point of view.   The anger concerning whatever it was for you to give up your son to your X and grandma isn't important.   Your son no doubt was young when the change was made.  Which side is right or wrong don't matter. The fact that he doesn't like your new man shouldn't be the issue.It was an Ugly situation being the "grown ups" couldn't reach a peaceful co-parent .  Do you want to re connect with your son? Go to the party he invited you both, start a new. Be proud show him you Love him, support him in heart. Slowly rebuild approach him, go to the movies you two only, omit talking about the past, that is if you want your son in your life? Or give him up. Can you accept his conditional love of just you at this time? if not then let him go and move on. csjoy1  
    csjoy1

    Answer by csjoy1 at 5:15 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Since the grandmother in this story is the one who has raised the child and seems to have parental rights, she gets to play Mom here, not you. (Sorry.) Of course your son feels rejected. He is being raised by his grandmother. Why should you have any right to throw him a graduation party when you weren't at all a part of his school experience at all? You shouldn't. If it was the other way around, and you had raised him and grandma wanted to throw a party, you'd tell her you get that privilege since you were the one that put all the hard work in of raising him. Well, in your situation, you haven't been Mom. You've been "other" in this picture, so the one acting as Mom gets the Mom privileges. You can not like it if you want, but if you want to be involved, you need to suck it up and take what you're given.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • She is giving him one for her side of the family and I want to give him one for my side of the family. Just as divorce parents do. I want to give him one for my dad's sake. He's dying of lung cancer. My side of the family does not get along with my ex's side of the family. My son said I could have one, but he wouldn't be there. He only seems to need me when he needs money or a ride somewhere. I pay for his cell. I love him dearly, but I'm playing tough love. My feelings are deeply hurt and if I don't know which way to turn because whatever I do I always get ridiculed by this family. I just want to be his mom.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:35 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I am on the other side of the fence. I say don't go. At your time of life, feel comfortable for you. My DH and I are not attending any graduation parties given by his son's mom. We don't feel comfortable with that family. Life is too short to waste one moment with toxic people who dislike us. There is no shame in having his dad raise your son with his mom. I am sure there were very compelling reasons to do so. I would take him out to dinner instead and give him a gift. Just you and him. Tell him you are proud of him. Then let him come to you later when he is more mature. Because he probably will. Just like a lot of kids go back to their dads when they are grown. It sounds like you have been the target of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Even here on this site, people are giving you grief for being non-custodial. Hugs. Now go Google PAS.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 8:36 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • But this isn't like a "divorced family." This is a kid who has been raised by his grandmother because his parents couldn't or wouldn't do it. If this was a "divorced family" issue and the son wanted the "weekend dad" to throw him an additional party, fine. But that isn't the case. Your son doesn't WANT you to throw him a party. He has welcomed you to the one he is having. If you want to be involved, go to the party. Leave you dying dad out of this. The party isn't for your dying dad. (And if you as the mom haven't been raising him, I've got doubts that dying dad has even seen much of the son anyway.) You need to take what you're given in this situation. You may think you deserve more but you really don't. If you don't like paying for things, then don't. Don't act like you're being a mom to him because you pay a cell phone bill. You are not being a mother to him. Either go or don't, but don't act like this is his fault.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:32 PM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • hugs

    sherribeare

    Answer by sherribeare at 11:46 AM on May. 3, 2011

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