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Answers / Life & Home / Relationships

Is my dh right?

Right now i'm a stay at home mom with my 2 stepsons, 2 daughters, and twin 4 mos. old boys. I love it but needless to say i have no friend making time. Which is fine im not the kind of person that really ever felt the NEED for friends. But when i was working as a nurse i had a couple people that i would occasionally talk to outside of work never went out or anything. Which again is fine because if dh or i have a chance to go out understandably we want it to be alone lol. Well anyway my dh is very protective and sometimes jealous but not to a crazy extent. My one "friend" from work who lives right up the street is having marital problems and she invited me over one friday to have a drink and "talk". Well dh drew his own conclusion and assumed she must be cheating and he was uncomfortable with me going there fearing she'd have a man there and if her husband showed up there would be drama. He also fears that married women don't need friends like that because of the whole "misery loves company" theory. Well after this speech lol i said so you don't want me to go? He said i would never tell you not to go but i just wanted you to know how i feel about it. I went and there was no argument he was fine about it but he also did say for me not to get any ideas like having her over because (since i have a problem and i tell my husband everything) he feels her story doesn't add up and that she is a bad influence but at the same time i'm like what am i 12 i don't feel HER life affects ME right?

 
Genice6

Asked by Genice6 at 10:37 AM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • no YOU don't but he apparently does. And this sounds like a control thing. If you need to be there for your friend then do so. But it seems like he thinks that is somehow going to play out in your marriage. Talk to him and try and tell him that it will not. And as for the not coming over thing, does he get the right to tell you who you do/do not have over? if so then maybe you need to be more selective about who he has over.
    amberpaiz

    Answer by amberpaiz at 10:42 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I dont think your DH is right...You deserve a little bit of MOMMY time...and connecting with other women is a helpful thing. It is wonderful that your DH felt comfortable discussing his fears with you, but you need to assure him that you can have friends and still be the same wonderful wife and mother that you are now. Maybe explain that you would never allow ANY one to be a poor influence on you, but rather that you would like to be a POSITIVE one for others...Of course you do need to do what feels right for you and your family and of course there is always choosing your battles...but if you feel like you'd like to cultivate friendships, specifically this friendship that you've mentioned, then do your best to ease his fears, keep open communication about it but stand your ground. Everyone NEEDS friends, even wives and momma's :)
    sbenbenek

    Answer by sbenbenek at 10:47 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • LOL i know dh just has a BIG problem with people that he feels are liars. The less than handful of friends that he has he's been friends with since kindergarten and they are all just brutally honest people i mean really honest to a fault lol
    Genice6

    Comment by Genice6 (original poster) at 10:48 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I've had a few friends and family members over the years who have had affairs and gotten divorced. I'm a happily married ADULT. Just because they are doing those things doesn't mean I'm going to. (I'm not even sure your friend is cheating.) If your husband doesn't trust your ability to make your own decisions there are problems in your marriage. If he doesn't trust you and decides to control your behavior in order to protect his own interests, that can back fire. I got married at 19, but had a jealous husband who didn't trust me. He didn't want me to go back to school because I would meet men there. I never cheated, but eventually his controlling behavior did the very thing he was trying to prevent....made me leave.

    I married again at 27, and have been happily married for nearly 23 years. My husband has never told me who to be friends with or have in our home. He trusts me, and my judgment. All I can say is Good Luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:56 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Sounds controlling ( sorry to say)... I understand his fears and concerns but you do have a mind of your own, you are happy with your hubby,home, children. In no way does that mean you are going to cheat. So what if ole girls story doesnt add up??? thats for you to bring to her attention and let her know that you are her friend but she has to be honest with you. And that you have your family etc to tend to...but will gladly be there for her to chat with.
    Do you go to the grocery store by yourself or with all kids??? does he go too? time limit?? ( just curious) Does he interact with all the kids or just come home and relax???
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 11:03 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • A "bad influence" on you? You are a grown woman. You are not 12 and "impressionable". You are an adult that can see things for what they are.You can tell right from wrong, truth from lies, productive from unproductive, etc.

    My father is a retired undersheriff, and after a 40 year career in law enforcement, HIS WHOLE LIFE...his friends are such a mixed bag of people. His golf buddies include the retired sheriff he served under, a falling down drunk that has never had a job and recently got shot in the arm by his wife for being an unemployed drunk, a police officer, and a maintenance man that works at a trailer park.

    My own friends are pretty diverse as well. My LP occasionally says "why do you hang out with these people" because I tell him a lot, but never acts like your hubby.

    EVERYONE has issues. EVERYONE needs friends. SOME PEOPLE make better friends than they do marriage partners, but that is hardly a reflection on you
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 11:15 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • We sometimes go all together or i go alone or he goes alone no time limit lol and he is VERY helpful with all the kids before i was staying home i worked 3-11p and he did everything homework, dinner, school lunches everything!
    Genice6

    Comment by Genice6 (original poster) at 11:16 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • When i said how helpful he WAS when i was working i didnt mean to imply that he ever stopped helping now that im home
    Genice6

    Comment by Genice6 (original poster) at 11:20 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • He sounds very controlling and insecure. You should have friends and weekly time away from him and the kids. Friends=sanity. I don't want to ruin the happy picture for you, but you don't sound happy. He sounds pretty happy. You are enabling him. In one letter you managed to make atleast 5 excuses for him. Do what makes you happy.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 11:25 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • If she's using you as a form of support then I can see where your husband is coming from.
    Simplicity3

    Answer by Simplicity3 at 10:42 AM on Apr. 27, 2011

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