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2 Bumps


hugsMy son is 20 years old.  It's not been easy, his post-teens and up.  Didn't help my being an enabler and co-dependent staying in a love-less marriage over 20+ years,  of which my X preferred his bottle over me and OUR son.  Six months ago my son decided to come home, and worked towards improving his life which wasn't going no where.   OMG - My JOY was like Christmas Day when he came home to stay, I was in AWE!

However, his two steps forward back slided into 2 steps backwards, and so he slided back into the choice of old friends, drinking and pot smoking  which slowly increased over time.  He wouldn't follow through with getting medical help and when I asked him to take a cup test for me because on that particular day he appeared very pot stone after work, he refused.  He moved out today,  "Tough Love", is tougher on me than him.    He's moving back with his dad, and I wrote his dad a tough letter asking him to step up to the plate.   The rest for me will be spent in prayer, hoping and believing he will break through.   I did what I could, offered what I could, he refused it, therefore I can't not keep him home to pretend -   TOUGH LOVE is my route, and it doesn't mean I love my boy any less, and yes it hurts just the same.   What about you, or someone you know what is the outcome for their kids in choosing to keep them home or kick them out and hope the self destruction will come to an end...what ever it plays out to be?   


Answer Question

Asked by csjoy1 at 3:44 PM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 10 (450 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I honestly wouldn't be able to witness it daily. it would rip me up inside. Let him know you love him and that you are there for him but you want him to be healthy!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:49 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I do not have experience with your situation, but from what you've written, you've given him an opportunity over several months to make a change and he hasn't followed through. You've supported him and been willing to work with him, but at 20, he's ultimately the one who has to chose his own path. Unfortunately old habits and old friends stick around. I hope a change in environment at his dad's place will help. Of course it's painful--you're his mother--but when you've done everything you can, at some point, you've got to let him go. Hang in there. I hope things improve for your son and for you too.

    Answer by jmpj8107 at 3:57 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • It's hearbreaking for us to watch our children self-destruct. I'm sorry that you are going thru this.

    Answer by meooma at 4:03 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • when my BIL was on Meth, nobody knew what to do but to be honest, i hoped to GOD that he would get arrested and something awful would happen so he would get out of that stuff. He did get arrested and cost him and us a 17,000 dollar accident. His wife finally stepped up and forced him not to go to his druggie friends anymore, he had bad withdrawls and he had little help to get him through it but today he is off of drugs completly and is divorced for other reasons but happy with his life with his new girlfriend.

    yes i believe in tough love and i believe a 20 year old needs to find out eventually what real life is like without someone to bounce upon, right now he's got his dad but hopefully that his dad will see right through this stage and make changes rather then letting him suck the life out of his dad.

    Answer by americansugar80 at 4:03 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • When i was still in my later teens i was in a very similar situation with my mom..she didnt approve of my friends or my actions..needless to say i got kicked out and was living with friends...i was furious at her for awhile but it didnt take long for me to realize i was the one in the wasnt the first time it had happend but that time the rest of my family had went the tough love way too and i guess that made me think she wasnt the only one who felt that way..i guess all you can really do is keep up the tough love and stay strong! one day he will realize what hes doing is nothing but bad for him and hurtful to those that love him

    Answer by dmcmillan88 at 4:10 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I think you did the right thing. I have had all four of my adult kids live with me at some point. They were in transition mode, looking for new work, moving back from overseas, etc. There were very clear cut rules they had to follow like looking for work, saving money to move out and also a time period to be aiming towards. I was always very upfront with my expectations and boundaries. They were good roommates and now are all on their own with their own jobs and homes. I think you did a very good thing for his character by no longer allowing him to stay there. We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him to respect you. Good job, mama.

    Answer by lilangilyn at 8:30 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • hugs


    Answer by sherribeare at 11:43 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • He will have a better influence there with you as long as he is not violent, then you would have to seek profess. help.

    Answer by Sarah961 at 11:14 AM on May. 7, 2011

  • I think Tough Love is exactly what he needs. You can't help him unless he helps himself. I would kick my kid out, and let him fend for himself and learn his own lessons if he refused my help. In the end he will realize that he was wrong.

    Answer by xmama_bellax at 11:18 AM on May. 7, 2011

  • you kicked him out just for smoking pot? i am completley against pot, but at that young of an age when so many people smoke pot, it would take more then that for me to kick my child out.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:20 AM on May. 7, 2011

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