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Should I Have Done More?

My DH and I have been going through this problem with a man that I grew up with. DH said that he feels the guy needs to learn his boundaries. I didn't think he was doing anything wrong but DH kept telling me that he doesn't like the way he looks at and touches me. He said he doesn't touch me like a "friend", but carressingly. But he is like that with everybody. DH was quite civil about it for a while asking me to please clarify for this man that he is being inappropriate. I didn't think he was but I changed the way we greeted and kept my distance. DH was still annoyed, feeling like I wasn't cleare enough. Apparently he didn't get the message. Finally DH approached him but he feels like I was supposed to do that. At first I didn't see it so I didn't want to make myself look foolish. But now DH feels like I put this guys feelings before his. What should I have done?

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Dec. 3, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • If you told the guy that your husband didn't like what seemed like too familiar behavior, and if you kept your distance, then I don't see what else you could have done. Your husband's feelings do come first.

    Answer by Bmat at 5:39 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Well, it sounds like DH was expressing his feelings pretty clearly and you acted, but probably not strongly enough. Imagine it the other way around. If DH had a friend that was a girl and was very touchy feely with him, you might be uncomfortable too. You need to put DH ahead of this friend and your marriage ahead of this friendship. If DH communicated that he thinks you should do more then respect his feelings and make it clear that you respect how he feels. You would want the same in return. It's clear you love each other very much, you just need to communicate better.

    Answer by beckcorc at 5:39 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • DH's feelings should come first. This may be someone you have history with, but he is not your future.

    Answer by PROGENITOR at 6:18 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • What you could've done differently was to drop the relationship with the other guy period. Sounds like that's the only way your hubby was going to be okay with it. Not sure what I'd have done but my husbands feelings come first. Personally I don't allow men to hug or touch me that isn't my husband, less confusing for everyone (that's just me).

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:50 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I agree with the pp. No man should be touching you that is not family or your DH. It is not right. Your relationship with DH comes before all. If he had a problem with it then YOU have a problem...I guess you should have either said something to him in no uncertain terms or just dropped the relationship. Sorry I am not bashing...I have had this happen to me only it was women calling and e-mailing him...he tried to negate my feelings at first and this was toxic for our relationship to the point I told him the kids and I would be at my mothers. He finally got it. He is in this with me not the other women.

    Answer by salexander at 7:01 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • My Husband is the same way I have no more guy friends because it. So just let him know that he is the only guy for you just don't lose your friend

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:06 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I don't think that having physical contact with another guy is inherently bad, it just depends on what your hubby is okay with. I have a few male friends that I give hugs to, and it's just fine with my husband. However, if it bothered him then I wouldn't do it. I promised to respect my husband when we were married, and I feel that part of that is doing what he asks of me as long as it's reasonable.

    Answer by degsyuna at 8:06 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • If your body was telling him something different than your words were then I can see how the other guy would get mixed signals. I'm not saying you were being suggestive but if you say "hey. my husband doesn't like me talking to you....but thats just him, I like talking to you" well then that still leaves a door open and actually probably opens it a little more because it shows him that you're willing to still be around him even though it makes your Dh uncomfortable.

    But then again maybe your Dh was being a little bit jealous for no reason. Either way, because he's your husband, your relationship with the other man should be dropped without hesitation...even if he was being extreme. If there is anything you can do to take strain off your marriage I'd suggest doing it...especially when its something as easy as just not talking to someone.

    Answer by munch12502 at 11:55 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

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