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I have temporary legal custody of a (nonrelative) 13 year old boy....

We have no connection other than thru school. He has been taken from home, along w/ three other siblings in the past. His mother "allowed" his doctor to find another arrangement for a "cooling off period" between the two long story short. My issue, what would be the appropriate punishment for lying, acting out in school, chores? Also, he wants to call his mother and see her/siblings. She makes no effort, even tells him she will not visit our home because she feels "looked down on". He is now demanding..(right!lol) for me to let him visit in THEIR home..which is absolutely off limits..per judge and myself. Neither one of us would be safe. Am I being completely too harsh NOT allowing these visits? I feel as if I am his drill sergeant..but he has never been taught nor learned boundaries, right from wrong, or how to properly interact with others. Even tho he is 13, I view him as a small child. It's sad and frustrating.

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bluueye41

Asked by bluueye41 at 6:16 PM on Dec. 3, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • The judge said no and the mother isn't willing to come see him. You cannot find another way around it. You need to understand though that he is in a really bad place. Just try to tell him that the judge needs them to be apart right now, but hopefully he can see her soon. I don't really know what else to say. Sorry!
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 6:23 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • is there a way you can have the judge speak to the boy and explain the reason's behind his decision? I know that in some small county's they will do this... how maybe a more neutral spot for visiting? like a park, a public place of sorts...
    I have custody of my 7 yr old gs... and his mother hasn't seen him in over 3 yrs now... and it's hard on him too, she won't even attempt to come to see, call him or anything...
    Good Luck
    gmasboy

    Answer by gmasboy at 6:32 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Thanks mom1stepmom1 - I assure you I get he is in a bad place. My fear is he has lied about some of the abuse, however, there is no getting around other situations which have actually put him w/ me. Mom not giving him his meds, hitting, the whole nine yards. He is a true manipulator, all he knows. So, my question is punishment. All I really have to work w/ are taking things that have been given to him. He came here with absolutely nothing. Seriously, not even underwear.
    bluueye41

    Answer by bluueye41 at 6:38 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Does he have any friends or get an allowance? Take away his tv time or his radio if he has one. Video games. He needs to learn that he cannot act that way and not expect consequences, however, it is going to be a hard road since he has 13 years getting away with murder. Explain to him that those things are privileges and not rights and out line the rules of the house. Ensure that he really understands the rules and then give him a 3 strike rule. You said he was like a small child. You may have to teach him boundaries as if he were one. Good luck to you.
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 7:08 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I do not full know what is going on in your situation. If the judge said he can not see his mother then he can not. I think that maybe instead of treating him like a small child you could try treating him like a teenager. I would try talking to him and seeing if you can get him to open up to you. I could be totally wrong because I have never been in this kind of situation before. It sounds like he is looking for someone to lash out at because of his situation and you are the target. I would try not to take it to seriously.

    If he is always getting in trouble then maybe you could try a rewards system instead. Maybe taking him out for dinner or letting him watch a certain TV show.

    I am sorry I can not be of more help.

    Good Luck
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 7:34 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I'm not sure how you got involved but it sounds like you are not trained or prepared for this type of responsibility. You may want to reconsider and allow someone else more suitable to care for him or ask to take some classes on how to handle situations like this. This isn't like taking in a stray pup.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:40 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • talk to the judge and his teachers, maybe someone else can help you with this situation, good luck just be there and tell him you love him and maybe explain a litle that that was what was ordered by the judge,and be strong, eventually he will understand,,,it's hard but you will make it through,,god bless..
    seexxymama4u2me

    Answer by seexxymama4u2me at 7:57 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Wow, you are an amazing person for taking this child in. God is smiling down on you.
    Just stick to your guns, he is probably testing you. Just try to explain what the judge said. Talk to the mom so she doesn't feel "looked down on". Good luck, you are an angel. The kid just doesn't realize it.
    njt320

    Answer by njt320 at 8:57 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • All the training in the world doesn't help. Heck, none of us having training with our own children and when they become teenagers. I commend you for taking on a teen. It is hard raising a biological one,let alone one that is not. I would just tell him that is not allowed to see his mom, per court orders. What are the consequences if he does? Perhaps you could tell him what those are if there are any.
    Alma_C

    Answer by Alma_C at 2:02 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • just a thought, try giving him something to take away. If he really has never got the kind of rewards for good behavior then how is he supposed to know what good behavior is. work out a deal with him. let him pick the reward and have him work for it. don't be afraid to compromise. ask your state about special teen life behavior after school classes and counseling, they should have them where your at.

    kharmasmom

    Answer by kharmasmom at 1:32 PM on Dec. 4, 2008

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