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2 Bumps

Relationship with Mother

I had a falling out with my mother a few months ago. It started with me sticking to my guns that she not say the "N word" around my then 4yo DD and ended a couple weeks later with her IM'ing my cousin's wife all these embellishments and lies and saying just about the worse things a mother could say about her child. I sent an e-mail letting her know I saw the chat and how hurt I was. I haven't heard back from her and I haven't contacted her since.

So fast forward 7 months and it keeps coming to my mind that my mom isn't going to live too much longer. She has severe asthma, emphysema, and COPD; all the while she smokes almost non-stop. I go back and forth on if I will be okay with the possibility of her dying without ever talking to her again and/or making amends.

If I were to swallow my pride and make that contact, I can't help but to think I will loose all self-respect. And any relationship we might be able to form wouldn't be "real." I would always be on guard, I would never be able to think of her or treat her as I did, let's say, 8 months ago. So I question if my self-respect is worth a superficial relationship with a woman who has made it pretty darn clear that she doesn't like me.

We had a great relationship until I moved out of the house...that's when things went downhill very quickly. That was over 16 years ago. It's been kind of rocky since.



Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 11:36 PM on Apr. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Level 33 (59,731 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • Try to mend fences but guardedly; I think if you do not and she dies before you do, you may regret it. With that said, don't apologize unless you truly are sorry and don't expect an apology from her; tell her you haven't changed your beliefs & thoughts & explain that just because she's dying doesn't mean you are going to cut her slack with her "language". Worst case is you try and it fails but at least you will know that you tried. Good luck.

    Answer by oahoah at 11:57 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • Dont put the relationship aside. Relationships are precious. You may feel hurt by the past. But it will be hard to move foreward with out trying, or having a proper good bye.
    Good luck!

    Answer by mamarod6 at 11:44 PM on Apr. 27, 2011

  • I have the same situation with my mom, I moved out when I was 19 because my mom was insisting on controlling my life. We have had a lot of bad arguments and long spells of not speaking, but eventually I'd come around because she'd become very sick to what doctors call 'on her last leg' and I never wanted to live with that regret. My mother has treated me bad; she looks down on me for having a child out of wedlock, and openly admits it. Moms are going to feel their always entitled to do and act however they feel but sometimes we have to put our foot down and chance they wont like it. Sometimes you have to consider whats really worth the fight. And Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and be the bigger person.

    Here's a thought: I went to visit my uncle 2 weeks ago, and he said something to me about my son I considered rude. I ignored it hugged him and said my goodbyes. He died the following Friday.

    Answer by thelovelymzbre at 12:33 AM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • for my relationship with my mother and I, I can relate to your relationship with you and your mom. me and my mom have been going at it since i was 16 and now im about to be 25 this year and when i tell you it was non stop fusing fighing telling my kids im a good for nothing mom calling my kids the n word telling them i cant teach them how to read or write think that meansthe most to us moms i did everything fo my mom even when i didnt want to i still did it being slapped in the face followed by the b word was total disrespect....
    but i just recently found out my mother has cancer and now idk what to do if i lose her today or tomorrow i sat down and thought alot life is to short to keep bs on your chest le the BS walk because you only have one mother if you feel like no one is there when you look back she will be there no matter what even though you hate each others guts ya'll will still have each other back...
    love her

    Answer by Marie111348 at 1:13 AM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • dont turn your back on her cause she loves you

    Answer by Marie111348 at 1:14 AM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • My mother lives with me. We do not have a good relationship. She is bigoted, says hurtful things to me all the time, looks for reasons to find faults to jump all over my husband and daughter. I had a nervous breakdown, involving many factors. She refused to take responsibility for her part. I get help from meds., my psychiatrist, and my psychologist. She refuses to go for counseling. I begged her to go w/ me when my one and only brother/sibling died from AIDS; she still refused. I had begged both of them when he was still alive to go for counseling w/me since my father died; he was a violent alcoholic. Unless she can blame someone else for her shortcomings, she doesn't listen to anything I say. However, I want my conscience to be "clear" so I simply lay it all out for her and we move on day to day. Swallow your pride, make peace so you can live with/yourself and know you did the right thing. Sadly, it is what it is

    Answer by rosiemendo at 8:14 AM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • I'm in the same boat. You r right, it won't be real. Surround yourself with friends.

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 11:52 PM on Apr. 27, 2011