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How can my fiance and I talk about his son's behavior without it turning into a huge fight????

I have a great 5 year old daughter, my fiance has an extremely challenging 5 year old son, we have an 8 month old together and just found out *surprise* we have another on the way. His son was diagnoses with Aspergers the week before we found out we were pregnant. He is violent, verbally abusive, will go weeks refusing to use a toilet, preferring to just void in his pants. He will randomly loose the ability to dress himself. He gets mad at me and tells me he hates me because I'm the only one who has rules, and that I should apologize to him for making him feel bad about lying. (yeah. he lies all the time. He once told his dad that I slammed his head into the wall.) He threatens to hurt our baby if I don't do what he tells me to. If he wants something and doesn't get it, he will scream for 3-4 hours in his room. I had to quit my job because he got kicked out of daycare and none of the others in our small town would take him because they've all heard about him. He tells me all the time that he wants me to die so he can go live with his grandma because she doesn't have rules. He's physically attacked me several times. There is no discipline from his dad unless I force the issue. Every time we try to talk about it, my fiance turns the conversation into "Well, your daughter isn't perfect either." Never has she punched anyone in the stomach or pooped her pants and told someone that they had to clean it up. I don't know what to do. We can't talk about it, and it's completely destroying our relationship. We have him in counseling, but he just lies and lies and lies to the counselor about everything. I'm scared that he will tell her lies about me and then Child Services will get a call. I'm just at my wits end and I don't know what to do or how to approach my fiance on these things. We used to be so happy, and now we're both so stressed we can barely speak to each other.

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ssitton

Asked by ssitton at 12:06 PM on Apr. 28, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 4 (46 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • It's not the childs fault. He has a disease. Maybe instead of him going to counseling maybe you should all go and try to deal with his condition. It's a form of autism and it seems like you haven't even really addressed it. There's issues that only a pediatrician or a conuceler can help you with
    Eisleysmommy27

    Answer by Eisleysmommy27 at 12:11 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • OMG! I think that you need more than a counselor,,I am not a doctor, but have 2 friends with children who have Aspergers syndrome, and this does not sound like them at all. I think you need medical intervention and quick,, you cannot take threats against harming your child,,,he might just do it, please make an appointment with a psychiatrist and do it today,, this little boy needs help, what ever is going on is not his fault, the sooner you get to the bottom of it the better! Where is his BM?
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 12:12 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • I would sit down and talk with him. Say this conversation is about your son. If you want to talk about my daughter, we can sit down again for issues you have with her.

    If he will not listen then I would say that it may be best for your DD's safety and the babies that you split for awhile or even permanently.
    Part of becoming a blended family is talking about each other's children and what is in their best interests. If he feels that you are attacking, he may be less than willing to listen. Make a list of 5 things that you need to address that is putting your children and you at risk. Keep words like fault, blame out of the conversation. Say things like 'it makes me feel' or 'my perception is'... If dad won't start laying down rules and leaving only you to give them out, he is saying that his son doesn't have to respect or listen to you, which is causing his son to act the way he does...cause dad won't do anything.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 12:14 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • sorry, I also wanted to add that both of the kids I know have been getting proper treatment for their disorder, so I have no idea if this is not the case,, counseling does not sound like enough, I know they both see specialist on a regular basis, and are both thriving and pretty good kiddos.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 12:15 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • I do not believe that just because a child has autism that you should excuse negative destructive behavior. It just means you need to be careful and consistent in how you enforce the rules. Yelling/spanking is probably a no no choice for discipline but talk to a professional and find out what sort of methods of corrections they recommend for a child with autism. If you truly believe your family is in danger from his potential for violence then you need to get serious help beyond just him talking to a counselor.

    honestly imho if your fiance has his head in the sand this bad and refuses to be your partner in this I would seriously rethink getting married. If things don't improve and he won't help things change you may need to consider taking your children away from that environment.... but that is just what I would probably end up doing.
    kayslay

    Answer by kayslay at 12:19 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • For sure see a Peds Dr. there is something they can give. ( even though some parents are against giving meds to children) .. sometimes they need it. WHERE is is BIO MOM. Was he like this with her too??? You know better than anybody and with daycare refusing to watch him then its something more and WILL GET WORSE. talk to hubby as said above. Dont throw out faulty words, just real concern an somethings gotta be done. good luck
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 12:20 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • I would find out every scrap of information I could about his condition. I would go to my nearest book store, find as many books as I can about it, read them front to back, look on-line, ask every doctor, or counceler you see! I would find out every treatment that was available: medical, theraputical, ect....I would research the pros and cons of each one. While I was doing this, I would make sure his father was doing the same. I would also be adding a lock to the very top of the other children's rooms, so that I was certain that he would not be able to carry out his threats. Disease or not, until you and your husband know more about his condition he IS a danger to others and special precautions need to be made.
    Motherdragon

    Answer by Motherdragon at 12:22 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • Thanks for all the feedback! I just wanted to add that I had to threaten to leave my fiance if he wouldn't get help for his son, because my fiance refused to believe anything was wrong with him. He just said I needed to do more with the child and then everything would be better. The child's BM did drugs and probably abused him when he was small. I know that none of this is the child's fault, but it's getting harder and harder to not resent him.
    ssitton

    Comment by ssitton (original poster) at 12:26 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • It isnt his fault. My son is high functioning Autistic and was hard to handle at that age as well. Now at 17 you would hardly know he has the disorder. It took alot of patience, reading, therapy and learning as a family how to handle him. For us our lives has to revolve around him, not the other way around because he is a special needs child. This is something you will deal with the rest of your life.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 12:33 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

  • Says all the moms without Autistic children...........just sayin
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on Apr. 28, 2011

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