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forgiving the unforgivable

My father feels like I am the unforgivable-I am 39 years old and many people in my life say I need to just let it go-but it hurts-he is a pastor and lives only 30 miles away from me-here is the situation in 94 I divorced my husband and yes I was having a affair, and I know that is wrong, but I was in a loveless marriage-the only reason I had gotten married was because I was being sexually abused by my stepfather from the time I was 10-18 and was ready to commit suicide-and yes I told my mother when it started but she didn't believe me so at that time I thought why would anyone else so I dropped it and never told anyone except my boyfriend/husband so he married me to get me out of the hell-con'd

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:01 PM on Dec. 3, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (25)
  • so anyway we married and had two beautiful children and we tried to make it work but we married for the wrong reasons-and believe me I do appreciate my ex for what he did for me and now I see that I could have done things differently but I was young so please as you read this don't be critical because right now I need support because my heart is breaking. Anyway I married the man I was having the affair with and I guess I got what I deserved because he physically and mentally abused me and had one affair after the other-needless to say it didn't work and I left him ...con'd
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • during this time my father disowned me and had nothing to do with me or my children-after my 2nd divorce I had to move back home with my mother and stepfather(the same one who abused me as a child) and I ask my ex to take the kids because I couldn't take the risk of my stepfather doing to them what he did to me-everyone around talked about me like I was less than human saying I had abandoned my kids-they didn't know I was really protecting them-well it has been 14 years since then and my father still has nothing to do with me or my children...con'd
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • anyway my father remarried and has two daughters and I just found out that one of my halfsisters is about to get married this month and the other has a new baby (they have nothing to do with me either) I guess because of the upcoming holidays I have got the blues because it is like he just forgot about me and my kids which were his first born grandchildren. Am I so unforgivable? I just want him to be part of my life and treat me like he treats his other kids...does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? or how I can get past this? I am sorry this is so long I just needed to get it off my chest
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • hmm that is a toughie. you said your father is a pastor? if so, i REALLY think you should sit down with him and talk to him about this. my father is also a pastor, so i would think that yours should forgive. even if you wrote him a heartfelt letter maybe would understand. i will pray for you though i know it must be tough. im sorry to hear that :( best of luck to you! and btw EVERYONE makes mistakes...you ARE forgivable :) i have even cheated on my bf AND got pregnant. i felt unforgivable for the longest time cuz i felt so horrible. he still took me back and we have a great relationship now. it took him over a year to forgive me. but anyways...everyone is forgivable, so i REALLY think you should talk to your father and tell him how you feel.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:18 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Well will he even talk to you? You cannot make someone do anything so maybe you could write him a letter about your wishes and what you want from him so that in time he could decide to come around. When I think about your situation though I can't see why he would hae to forgive you? You didn't do anything to him really. I mean you made some mistakes but parents should be there for their kids when they fall instead of abandoning them.

    SylviaNCali

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 9:18 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Dont be so hard on yourself. Part of being forgivable is the ability to feel guilt and understand what you did do wrong and then learning from it. You definately feel bad about your decisions. You understand why you made them and You are striving to do the right things. Seek counseling for your past, dont beat yourself up and realize that some people are never going to see the forest for the trees. Your father probably wont forgive you, but that doesnt mean he is right. You sound to me like an amazingly strong person and I suggest you seek out ppl who empower you not tear you down. I would be proud to have you as family.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 9:21 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • thank you for saying that ...it just really hurts I have a wonderful husband that I have been married to now almost 9 years we have a beautiful home and we both work very hard, not only do my children live with us his daughter does to and I know that should be enough I just really wish my father was a part of it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:21 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • If your father is a pastor he should know he can not be forgiven himself if he can not forgive. You are his flesh and blood and should not turn his back on you, but I know it happens. My dad never had anything to do with me my mom raised me. Can I suggest you call your dad and set down as uncomfortable as it will be and just be as honest with him as you can possibly can be, tell him how much you need his love and support and you are only human. The only perfect person died on the cross for us sinners to have a shot at getting to heaven. Tell your father that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. Ask God in the name of Jesus to forgive you and he does immediately and it is forgotten, sounds like your dad needs reminded of that. If you need to chat let me know...(HUGS) things will get better have faith!
    1countrygal

    Answer by 1countrygal at 9:23 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • Wow, I'm so sorry. I don't think that is unforgivable as you say. You didn't neglect your children by letting them go with THEIR father, like you said and I agree that you were just protecting them. Have you all try to get together and just have coffee and talk? Maybe family counseling would help. I don't know. I wish I could help. I haven't been in that kind of situation. I just don't think it's right what your own family is doing to you. I do hope you all can become family again. HUGS

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:23 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

  • I don't think you're unforgivable at all! I was about to cry just reading this! Your mother and father to me are the ones that are unforgivable for not being there for you when you needed them the most! What kind of parents would let their child go through that! I think you are better off with out either of them! If you want to let them know how you feel right them each a letter from the heart and mail it to them. Maybe put it in a Christmas card or something. Tell them exactly how you feel about EVERTHING! Don't expect a response because you may not get one. But you will have gotten it all off of your chest! Then let it go! It is there loss if they don't want anything to do with you or your kids! Unfortunately you can't choose your relatives the way you choose your friends! Move on with your life! They don't deserve you! If I can help or you want to talk, Please PM me.
    amydh

    Answer by amydh at 9:26 PM on Dec. 3, 2008

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