Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Aside from not putting yourself in this position to start with, what would you do at this point now that everything has been done?

Please no bashing. I never thought in a million years that this would be me and my story.

My high school sweetheart and the man I have been with for 10 years, since I was 15 years old, left me when our youngest child was 2 and cut off all communication with both me AND our daughter.

After about 6 months, I decided to go on a date with someone who I ended up dating a few times over the next couple months. One Saturday night, we ended up having sex, and the next morning I woke up to an e-mail from my high school sweetheart saying he was so sorry, that I didn't deserve to be left with no explanation, that our daughter didn't deserve it, that he had not seen anyone else or been with anyone, that he wanted to come home, and at least talk to me and have the chance to apologize and see our daughter whether I took him back or not.

Well, long story short, we cried together and got back together, he moved back in, and on Monday we had sex.

I had been on the birth control pill, but found out I was pregnant that month. The person I had been dating said that he didn't want to be a father nor interfere with a good family for the baby, and stepped out of the picture.

My then boyfriend married me, and was with me through that pregnancy, birth, etc. The baby is no longer a baby. She is 3!

We have periodically talked about getting a DNA test done, and he says it is best that he never knows for sure. Part of me can understand that, and he is a wonderful father to both of our girls, but it makes me wonder whether that means he thinks he would treat our youngest differently or wouldn't want to be with us if she wasn't biologically his.

How would it make you feel? Would you push the issue? Would you be able to just never know?

Part of me doesn't think about it much day-to-day, but the other part of me doesn't want to NOT KNOW forever. I don't want the question to keep coming up. I just don't know what to do or what is right.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:44 AM on Apr. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • Let it be, if he doesn't want a DNA test and he treats your girls great don't fix what ain't broken.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 11:48 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • You need to know for medical sake. If something happened to your daughter you need to have medical history from both parents. I think your husband is just scared to know because he is already a father to the child and he doesn't need a test to prove it. I seriously doubt he would treat your daughter differently or divorce you.
    Eisleysmommy27

    Answer by Eisleysmommy27 at 11:48 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • I don't think any good can come from finding out. What difference does it make at this point? Would he feel differently? Maybe, and I think that is completely understandable. But he knows the truth, has stepped up and loved this child as his own whether he is the biological father or not. So if it is his request not to find out then I think you should thank your lucky stars that your family is intact and together and leave it at that and respect his wishes. Would anything change for you if you knew one way or another? Finding out yoru DH is the father would be a relief, but finding out he is not could open a whole can of worms that you don't need opened. I say just let it go. The answer doesn't matter.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 11:49 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • Does he treat her any differently? I would let it go because in his heart she is his daughter. I think for him ignorance is bliss, it will probably break him if he finds out its not his. Plus it might cause him to treat her differently if he finds out its not his. So leave it he is happy with HIS two daughters..

    booger14

    Answer by booger14 at 11:49 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • If it were me . . . I would let it go. The only good that will come of it is to ease your anxiety, but it has the potential to hurt your husband and your daughter. That would be enough for me to hold off. If your daughter is grown, and the question comes up, she and your husband can get DNA testing at that point.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 11:50 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • Ah Eisleysmommy27 has a fantastic point :) That'd be the only reason I can think of.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 11:51 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • I kinda agree with Eisleysmommy. The only reason to get one would be for medical history purposes. I would see if the other guy would be willing to submit a sample, that way your daughter could be matched to him. Since you were only with these two men, only one of them actually needs to be tested.

    Other than medical history, I would drop it.
    hopeandglory53

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 11:53 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • Yes, he definitely treats them the same, and I think he even has a soft spot for her because she is such a daddy's girl. I know it would for sure break his heart if he ever found out she wasn't his. To me it is like the beating heart in Poe's Tell-Tale Heart...it just nags me wondering if I am "lying" to our child. I don't know. I mean, I've only been with 2 people in my entire life, and this happens?!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:56 AM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • You could always ask the guy about his medical history and leave it at that...just another option to consider.

    Also, do you not see any hints in her features?
    Dkhilly

    Answer by Dkhilly at 12:11 PM on Apr. 29, 2011

  • I really don't. The two have similar basic features like height, hair and eye color, etc. But honestly, the child looks like I made her myself. She couldn't look more like me. My nose, my eye shape, my build, my teeth, my chin and cheeks.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:17 PM on Apr. 29, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.