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3 Bumps

Advice welcomed

Long Story. 6 years yrs ago my DH was told by a woman she was pregnant w/ his baby. She was manipulative, a liar, and cheated on him w/ 3 diff people. Naturally, he thought this was a ploy to get him to stay after he found out about her activities. He left her. We got together a few months later, and he told me about what had happened, but did not believe she was pregnant.
However, two days ago curiosity got the best of him and he looked her up on a social networking site, to see if there was any validity to her claim.
He did find out that there is a child, that looks VERY similar to him, he has talked to her briefly and she says the child is his. She states that she wants nothing from us, only to know if my husband loves the child.
My husband and I are however, in a world of confusion. We have 3 kids (2 of which are from my previous marriage)-
We both desperately want to do the right thing, but this would bring on confusion for all 4 children, and he thinks problems in our marriage. She is already trying to "win" him back, and she is with someone else.
They live approximately 10 hours away, in a different state- and we don't know how often we would be able to see the child, if at all.
She refuses to offer the childs DNA stating that it is not needed to prove paternity. When they were together, she had told him of 3 other kids she had that the state took away from her because she was deemed an unfit mom- but she claims to be a changed woman now through the child "they share".
We don't want to uproot the kid, or scare him- by tearing him away from the world he has known; but don't know if we can live with ourselves by just walking away from the situation.
Any ideas?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:10 AM on Apr. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • You need some professional advice from a psychologist and a good lawyer. However, whatever choice you make, make sure you follow through with it and never regret it. Good luck!
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 7:29 AM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • I think if she won't let you do a simple DNA test, then she probably thinks the child isn't your husband's. Obviously, she is looking for something. I would insist on the test before I became more involved or even planned out what to do.
    momofkids

    Answer by momofkids at 8:01 AM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • I agree with the pps. I hope you have these statements of hers via email, and that you kept copies of them. Take them to a lawyer, get a court order for a paternity test (because, regardless of what she says NOW, she could always go back and try to sue you for support, and possibly back support LATER if she wants to, and she can insist on the DNA test then, when it's too late for you to be a part of his life, but you have to pay for it...)

    As to what to tell the kids, I would try something like "You know how Mommy was with __(your ex's name) before we met Daddy? Well, Daddy was with a lady before he met us, too. We didn't know it until now, but that lady had a baby, and that baby is your brother. We didn't know about him before, but now that we do, we want him to be a part of our lives. YOU are still important, and nothing will change that. We have enough room to love you all!"

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:59 AM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • cont

    As long as her causing problems in your marriage, etc, she can't do that if the two of you together don't let her. She can't "get him back" if he doesn't want to go, and, look at it this way, if she was such a horrible mom to the other kids, and she SAYS she's changed now, but you don't KNOW that, then how would you all feel if you found out later that she hurt this little boy... Especially if you find out that he was also your dh's son, and you all could have done something to prevent it... Or even this - do you really want to live the rest of your lives with this elephant in the room - is he the dad or not... is he going to track you down when he's grown, and he and your other kids find out you knew about him but ignored him....

    I know it's hard, but I do think you need to find out one way or the other. Good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:03 AM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • Contact a lawyer.. Insist on a paternity test..
    Obi.Ren.Kenobi

    Answer by Obi.Ren.Kenobi at 12:56 PM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • Contact an atty and request a paternity test...Don't go by what she says
    PatriciaofMN

    Answer by PatriciaofMN at 6:01 PM on Apr. 30, 2011

  • A court order for child support (CS) is needed to enforce any claims for it (in Maryland) and that involves DNA testing, so she can't sue for CS much less arrears. Why hasn't she sought it? If DNA proves your husband is the father, then you WILL be involved with this woman - even if your husband obtains sole custody (which requires proving that she is an unfit mother) supervised visitation may still be allowed. I am against removing a child from the only caregiver he has known UNLESS he is suffering abuse which you can't ascertain living 10 hours away. Ultimately, you may have to pay CS even if you never see the boy. You owe a duty of care to your own kids - CS services operates by prioritizing the eldest child as the FIRST family & won't care if the 2nd family suffers fin. hardship. My sister's 3 kids were 2nd family & her joint tax refund was seized, despite poverty, to pay CS arrears for a child they'd never met
    flightless

    Answer by flightless at 12:54 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • DNA IS needed to prove paternity, and if she trys to force child support any judge in America would require HER to pony up the $$ for the DNA tests and thats about 5 grand these days for the child and your hubby to be tested. She got that kind of $$? Your hubby would be a FOOL to just flatly accept the child on looks and her word alone. Leave this woman alone!! Stay FAR away from her and BLOCK her on facebook so she CANT try and manipulate you or the hubby into any more schemes.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 1:00 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Thank you all so much for your input. We did find out that the father is someone else, and she was trying to rope my husband into a paternity case so that she could see the child.
    The other father has full custody, and the child is safe and well, away from his mother. We have talked with the father, who is an amazing man- and took the child away from her and divorced her after she tried to kill the child for life insurance.
    She should be locked up in jail, but keeps running from the law.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:26 PM on Jun. 9, 2011

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