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living with a negative/depressed husband

I go to al-anon because my husband has issues with drinking, and while he's cut back on the hooch, his continuing negativity and self-centeredness is such a drag to be around. I try to ignore it and be the positive force in my babies' lives, but I wonder how this will affect their self-esteem in the future. If it were possible to never share custody, I would leave him. But I think it's best I stay for now. Anyway, is there anyone who has something they do to blot out these emotional vampires? BTW, he says he's among the happiest people he knows and that any problem is my fault. I've tried to talk to him, I've tried compassion, but sometimes, like now, I am simply sick of his ass.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Dec. 4, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • This really does sound like a situation you need to get out of. If you've got documentation of his alcoholism, a court can order only supervised visitation.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:47 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • I would get out. Both my ex's are alcoholics. The last one has been dry for several years, but the asshole in him never left. I tried to make it but I just couldn't and I also couldn't let my kids grow up in that environment. I too, went to Al-anon. I really don't think it helped any. I went for 5 yrs. Every week. His attitude and depression is going to take you all down with him. Take it from me, I know. I lived it. Get out yesterday!! PM me if you ever wanna talk...
    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 1:06 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • Yup, first poster is right. If you are able to leave, even if it's only temporary, that would be best for the kids AND you. It is way easier said than done, but if you don't make some kind of a change right now, then this is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your life.....and that is a long time. He will continue to drag you down until you are dead inside and your quality of life be be non-existant. I realize that it's hard and seems impossible, and you love him very much. But if you can get away for a while, you will be able to see the difference in yourself and it may help him to help himself..I wish you the best.
    Raegy

    Answer by Raegy at 2:34 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • I would get out and I did. Both my ex's are alcoholics/drug addicts. The last one was dry /clean for 6 years, but the asshole in him never left (the 1st ex just dissapeared). Now that's he's back to his old ways he's even worse!!! I tried to make it but I just couldn't and I also couldn't let my kids grow up in that environment. We are all much happier now - except for the ex of course. I too, went to Al-anon. I really don't think it helped any. I only went a dozen times or so. His attitude and depression about killed me - I was losing my soul trying to walk on eggs, do and say the right things. The same with the kids. I know. I lived it, I'M SO MUCH HAPPIER WITHOUT IT!!!. Get out yesterday!! I just stayed 5 years too long for the sake of the kids - big mistake...he took it out on MY KID!!

    The best revenge? BE HAPPY!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:30 PM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • Thanks ladies. What were the first steps you took? I don't have family to lean on and not much earning power. At this time, if I were to leave. they'd be losing two parents--him and I would have to work all the time. I could barely keep my head above water as a single person. I feel trapped.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:50 PM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • Thanks ladies. What were the first steps you took? I don't have family to lean on and not much earning power. At this time, if I were to leave. they'd be losing two parents--him, and then I would have to work all the time. I could barely keep my head above water as a single person. I feel trapped.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 PM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • Dry drunks can be *so* much worse than a wet drunk. They still have the underlying psychological issues that lead them to substance abuse & then so substance to drown their sorrows. My ex is a drunk. We did the dealing with HIS problem for 7 years. I LEFT !! I'm glad I did !! Yours sounds like the typical addict, blaming the problems on you. If ya want to PM me & talk more let me know. We can figure out your job situation & I have a budget theory that has kept my son & I afloat with no CS to speak of. I'm almost 9 years into this single mom thing & supported for short times some other idiots as well in the past. We have a house, pets, yard, trampoline like any other home owner family in America. It is doable, it just feels like it isn't sometimes !! Never let fear of the unknown keep you in an unhappy or unhealthy situation. When you are those things, your kids can feel it & become that way.

    strongmom40

    Answer by strongmom40 at 11:59 AM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Sorry you've already been so strongly advised to LEAVE.... Do you know ANYone who you view as objective, who you trust, who you could ask "Honestly, is it really him, or could it be a little bit my problem?" Depending on how long he's been dry, and how long he was drinking before that, he very well could still be going through the physical withdrawal from alcohol. There are usually emotional issues tied to drinking to excess, and if he is aware of them and unwilling to address them, then that's another consideration altogether. Remember, he's the father to your kids so you'll never be truly free from him and if you can stick it out while he undergoes a personality transplant that a lot of recovering alcoholics do, you might end up with a good guy. Have you been with him in the past when he didn't drink and was he a butt-head then?
    jburg2541

    Answer by jburg2541 at 10:29 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • You should develop some personal interests first. dont make any long term desicions until you have considered all the consequences. Start secretely putting away some money, develop some skills, build your potential before you leave. Things could get better just by virtue of the fact that your husband may see that you are growing and that can be a motivating factor for him as well. If things dont get better than you will be more mentally and financially prepared. Make a list of pros and cons ( current life versus realistic alternate life) One answer doesnt fit all. Go back to school if you can and plan to stay until you graduate. If you leave now, your kids wont see you, youll be broke and there wont be any hope. If you stay and go to school, your kids wont see you, but you will have hope. Either way the next year will be tough. Make it tough and worthwhile. Make a plan.
    younguns

    Answer by younguns at 9:51 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

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