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how can i stop resenting him so damn much?

my husband lost his job 3 months ago[his fault].since then he has worked for maybe 3 weeks.now he just sits at home doing nothing,i come home,and cook everyday,whilst he sits on that damn couch.i swear hes always sitting on that couch with the remote in his hand.he is a proffesional man,but now he has just given up.i can barely look at him,im fast losing respect for him.i hate even cooking for him now.i cant buy food,go to work and cook for him,while he spends his life on that couch.please help.am i being unresonable?shouldnt he be looking for a job?or am i a gold digging,fair weather wife?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:25 AM on Dec. 4, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • The first thing you can do is get off your high horse and remember your vows. For richer or for poorer, for better or worse. I realize when we stood there saying those vows, we didn't stop the minister and say, "excuse me, can you define worse and poor!

    Put yourself in his shoes. Most men define themselves by their job, work or skill. When that is taken away by his fault or whatever, doesn't make it any better. You tell us he is a Professional man. Tell him that, build him up, tell him you support him. Not kick him while he is down.

    usanamama

    Answer by usanamama at 4:52 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • Cont.

    What are you doing to help? He is depressed! Many man have killed themselves because of this. What is wrong with you. I hope your kids, if you have any are not seeing or hearing this from you.

    Yes, you are being very unreasonable. Yes, maybe he should be looking. He is not your son but your husband. I don't know why you ask us if you are gold diggin or fair weather wife, only you know the answer to that.
    usanamama

    Answer by usanamama at 4:52 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • I can see your point, I would be feeling resentful also. (I'd ignore the selfrighteous response above). Marriage is team work & it sounds like your the only one on the team working. I'd also take into consideration the effect the job loss has probably had on his confidence and the probability he is suffering from depression. Perhaps you and he could seek counsel with a doctor and see what can be done to help. Sit down with your hubby when it's a good time for both of you and try to set a rough time-line for some kind of action & change in his behaviour. It sounds like you have been a really supportive partner up until now and in helping him through this you'll continue to do so. As far as being a gold-digger - I don't think so at all. Jobs = money & money is necessary to live. I completely understand you wanting him to work or at least work at home while your out earning the cash for the time being.
    Waxing_Lyrical

    Answer by Waxing_Lyrical at 4:57 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • i would let him be for a while just stay home maybe he's sorting though some stuff w/ in himself and talk to him about what he does during the day while your out busting your bump try to get him to at least back you on house work and maybe take turns cooking?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:03 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • yeah he should be looking for a job if not at least he can help you around the house and not just sit on the couch. It's been three months I don't think your bein unreasonable at all. Try to talk to him in a way that won't be just putting him down that will only make things worse. If your mad at him wait til you calm down before you try and talk.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:15 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • I completely understand your frustration. Men can be very frustrating. But I have to agree with some of the things in the first reply. I does sound like he's depressed. First of all, you have to see him in love. You have to... when you can muster that up, you can have compassion for him. Love him and encourage him. If he does not respond to your genuine encouragement, then he probably needs to see a doctor. Men always say that their wives are the rock of their relationship. Years down the line, he will love you very deeply for it :)
    Bu77erfly

    Answer by Bu77erfly at 5:36 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • I had a friend who was in your situation (he took over a year off) and she ended up having to work two jobs and it took losing ALL of the extra's including his car and almost losing their house before she blew up on him and he confessed to her what the real reason was. When he lost his job he got depressed, thought his wife was going to leave him and so on... but finally when they were right at the brink of losing the house he finally got what she'd been trying to tell him and now he's working again. Hang in girl and try to boost his ego, there's local papers online... I'd watch for signs of depression and act on it, especially with the holidays coming up. It's hard for a man to deal with feeling like he let his family down. Maybe you could gently suggest that since he's home he could start supper, maybe you can save money on daycare if the kids stay with him, he could do the grocery shopping etc to save some time etc..
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:13 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • original poster
    first answerer:do you not get my point?i am a proffessional woman myself,i can do take care of him financially.so he wants to sit a home?fine.then dont expect me to fulfill two roles in the house while he fulfills i..am...tired!he might be deppressed,but damnit so am i.the bills at the end of the month are terrifying.and they are all my problem.high horse?please.i am a terrified,tired,unappreciated mother with a man who wont help out with anything,not bills,not kids,not cooking.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:27 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • It's fine whatever to be depressed but he can AT LEAST be helping around the house. He needs to start being a member of the family again.

    Dude, I am so sorry - that is an awful spot for you - has he at least talked to you about why he lost his job and how it's not going to happen again?

    Wimsey

    Answer by Wimsey at 8:29 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

  • No you are not a gold digger, my hubby did the same thing so I gave him a choice, get a job or I'm gone. You are a partnership, things need to be equal, not you doing everything. My best friend recently told me, never let a man make you unhappy!!! Just keep on it, just remember you are equals!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:35 AM on Dec. 4, 2008

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