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How can I politely tell my daughter to please stop having children and to care for the ones she has?

I've tried talking to her about it nicely but she just brushes it off and laughs at me but I CAN'T take it anymore and neither can her husband. He's actually abstained from sex for the last 7 months and is getting badgered my daughter. This sounds like such a surreal situation but it's true, she has 6 children now and SHE doesn't ever deal with them. My husband and I live next door to them and she is always sending them over (my son in law works al the hours god gives him). LITERALLY every day so she can bring friends over and just generally laze about. Yet she just keeps having them. She's only 26 now and she just keeps going on about getting pregnant all the time... yet she doesn't look after the ones she has. If I send the children back or refuse to let them in she literally leaves them in the yard (we have a shared yard). It's gotten so bad now that my son in law has started confiding in me about not knowing what to do. He's so unhappy with the situation and he doesn't know what else to do as when he talks to her about it she gets so angry she blows her top and screams and basically has a tantrum. He comes over crying regularly and the only time their house is properly clean is when he's home. He's having to do everything work and housekeep (litearlly do everything in that home).

My other children range from 10-24 and none of them have this sort of attitude so I'm not sure what stance to take or how to do this or how to advise my son in law to do this. In my mind she is not adequately caring for her children and she makes me sick, honestly. Strong words but true, my grandbabies are my priority and I'm at my wit's end.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:02 PM on May. 1, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (27)
  • sounds like she needs help...from a doctor sounds like she has some issues she needs to talk about
    mama2my2boys

    Answer by mama2my2boys at 7:05 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Well she probably wont listen. Why doesnt her husband get a vasectomy without telling her? Its all out patient and hes already abstaining from sex she wouldnt know.
    Other then that well it is her body. Her choice. That is just how it is. You can tell her like I said, but I doubt she will listen.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:05 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Well, for starters. Next time she sends the kids over, tell her you have plans and while you love your gandkids, you can't watch them right now... Also, have an intervention. Let her know how her behavior is effecting not only her, but her husband, her kids and you!
    BabyBugsmama

    Answer by BabyBugsmama at 7:06 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • I would suggest contacting a family therapist with your dh and your sil, and honestly, I would see if you can set up with that therapist an intervention. Sounds like she needs a dose of reality.

    good luck
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 7:06 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Has her husband considered getting a vasectomy? That's one way to deal with it.
    Nanixh

    Answer by Nanixh at 7:07 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • You can't control what she does or how she feels, but I would let her know that if she has anymore kids you will not be helping with any of them. You can put your foot down. I know it would be a hard thing to do, but if you don't set boundaries somewhere, she will continue to assume it's okay and keep going with it.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 7:07 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Oh, I would also suggest keeping a log book of every time / how long you had them, if you had to feed them, etc - and confront her with the amount of time she isn't taking care of them - because she might be blocking out the big picture here. Use the journal as a way of showing her the problem.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 7:08 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the one our heart wants to do. I say support the husband as much as you can. I too would counsel him to get a vasectomy. It may come down to him kicking her butt to the curb. GL.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:09 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • Okay time for a family intervention the gloves need to come off there is no more politeness when someone cannot see the forest for the tree's you and your husband and her husband need to sit her down and tell her what is to be done and how she can sign the agreement or get out. You tried explaining they need care now she has to be shown. Maybe she should also sign up for parenting classes and maybe some anger management classes this is hard to say but she has to hear it and now before someone sees it and calls CPS instead I think you know its past the polite phase its time for truth those kids need it.

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 7:09 PM on May. 1, 2011

  • talk to her about is seriously, let he rknow its not ok to leave the children just outsite your house because she doenst want them. Tell her you have to call child services if she does that again, and tell he rif she cant take care of the children now why does she want more? Her husband should tell her to get a job so that he can stay at home with the kids and she better works all thoese hours, since she cant keep the hosue clean. Maybe then she will turn around. He need to stand up to her. If she screams ignor it. People who scream offten use that caus ethey can have a normal sit down conversation or argument.
    LittleBirdFly

    Answer by LittleBirdFly at 7:11 PM on May. 1, 2011

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