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2 Bumps

I told my grandma that what she did was "trashy" because

my grandma raised me along side my 16 year old mom (that's not the trashy part). Let's pretend my biological father's last name was Johnson. He wasn't in my life at all and paid no child support. My grandmother hardly even knew him. She just told my husband that when I was growing up, whenever I was naughty she used to say "you little Johnson." She said it like she was proud and like that was so funny. I think she should be ashamed of herself and that that is really nasty. I feel that was intended to make me feel dirty and ashamed about who I am. I told her that saying that stuff to me was the height of trashiness, that it was white trash stuff. Saying that to her really made me feel better. Did I over-react or was her saying that to me back then pretty nasty?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:43 PM on May. 2, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I don't think it's so much "white trash" as it is nasty, judgmental and vindictive.

    Which, in my opinion, is worse.

    I admit I'm now judging her with this statement, but it sounds a bit like she was placing all of the blame on your mom being a teen mom on your dad, and none on her daughter (or on what she could or couldn't have done differently while raising said daughter that could have maybe helped prevent the situation... not saying she caused your parents to have sex, but that attitude of it's all you, none of us me or mine...).

    Not that he sounds like a winner, but that she made him the scapegoat, and you were the "oops" whose "dirty roots" were showing, which is, like I said, nasty and vindictive and didn't hurt HIM any - only hurt you - the only one who had NO responsibility over the situation...

    I'm glad you feel better, but I hope you don't expect an apology from her.

    gl and (((hugs)))
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:58 PM on May. 2, 2011

  • Depends did she say it to be mean and nasty or does she love you and was playing around?
    treynlisa

    Answer by treynlisa at 11:46 PM on May. 2, 2011

  • I would say you overreacted. Growing up I always got called the red headed step child. Did I think they didn't love me or that I was inferior, or, for that matter, not the biological child of both my parents? Nope. It was clear they were joking.

    I got told to go play in traffic - joking around, because I was probably being a pest. Do I think they meant they wanted me dead? Nope.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 11:54 PM on May. 2, 2011

  • And while I do agree, to a certain extent, with the joking around - we joke in our family and with our kids all the time, there are lines that, given certain situations, shouldn't be crossed because they go from teasing to hurtful.

    To use the example of the "red headed stepchild" (which we've also said to our kids sometimes), that could be joking and playing around with the kids, but, if one of them WAS the stepchild of the person saying it, and it was ONLY said when the person was upset, irritated, or disappointed / disapproving of them, it wouldn't be so funny...

    Sort of like teasing a shorter sibling who is shorter than you, calling them "stubby" could be teasing, but hurtful and wrong to say it to someone who had no legs...
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:02 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • You kinda have to remember our grandparents come from a different generation, and most of them don't know what it's like to grow up with out a parent! People didn't get divorced in those days. You're lucky your mom wasn't shipped off to give the baby up for adoption! I am sorry she hurt your feelings though. By the way, lol I think it's trashy to call your grandmother trashy!!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 1:04 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • She was playing around but I just don't think that's something to play around with. Here's her thought process - Oh you're just like your father, by the way, I don't know your father...it's just, if you're bad, it's not from us..... I feel that stuff like that deeply affected the person I became. You don't joke about an absentee father.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:51 PM on May. 2, 2011

  • Damn sailorwifenmom, you are smart! You totally nailed it! You put into words my exact feelings on the situation. My family has a long history of scapegoatedness. My mom literally calls herself the scapegoat of the family! I think what I was attempting to do by calling what she did trashy and white trashesque was to make her feel shame in the same vein that she made me feel shame about who I am.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:23 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • I can relate in a way. My daughter's father wasn't around when she was growing up either. She's now 22. If anyone says something to her that compares her to her dad, right quick she will tell you that she is nothing like him and never will be. She considers him to be a sperm donor. He's tried to come back into her life and she wants no part of it.

    No child should be compared to a father who is never there. It's just not fair. I'm sure you feel better since you told her what you think after all these years. She may have been joking around, but being on the other end of it.....it's just not fair to you. To you, it was an insult. What in the world did she expect you to think/
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:44 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • No you did not over-react. She needs to know that saying things like that isn't nice and hurtful...some people haven't got a built in niceness meter and need to be told.
    CallMeAngie

    Answer by CallMeAngie at 1:07 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • that was mean of her
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 AM on May. 3, 2011

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