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5 Bumps

What would you do ? ( very complicated )

i was once married to a man who i had 2 children with ( boy & girl ) ... we were married for almost 5 years. He changed, started being mean and got a girlfriend. His girlfriend convinced him that when we got divorced he would be better off to sign over his rights so he wouldnt have to pay for kids that arent his ( there is no doubt at all that they are his children, and in fact that woman got pregnant not to long after and THAT child turned out to NOT be his) ...

Well after he was out of our lives, things changed for us - with the help of my family I was able to buy a nice house, a vehicle ( I didnt even know how to drive when we divorced), and got my beautician lisence ( which where I live I make EXCELLENT money) .... So I felt like our lives turned out very well ... I havent dated yet because I just do not feel the need to yet.... but I have always kind of worried about my children not having a father in their lives ( I mean will they grow up to regret only making and buying fathers day things for their grandpas , who is going to walk my daughter down the aisle when she gets married, etc.)

Well I was recently contacted, and found out that my ex husband now has cancer and it doesnt look very good ( he is already very sick and even though he is going through treatment, they do not expect him to make it. ) He sent me a letter saying how he knows he was stupid, that he has changed his life around, and he wants to see me and his children atleast one more time.

My kids are still young and I just do not know what to do.... I feel like if I do not take them to see him and to say goodbye - will they hold that against me when they are older ?
I mean I dont think they will even understand who he is ( the last time they seen him my son was an infant and my daughter was 3 ) ... and then to just let them see this man who will possibly cry and try to hug them and such , and then most likely will never see him again - that could be VERY scary for them !

I have constantly thought about it , and really am no further than when i started out - I have absolutely no idea on what to do ...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on May. 3, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (33)
  • wow.. that is a tough decision to make.. I'm not sure what I would do in your position either. I mean, I guess you could take them to see him, and explain the situation to them. But I am at a loss of words.. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful..

    Answer by febmom007 at 11:54 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • Complicated. He willingly gave them up and made no attempts to contact them or be involved in their lives, ever. So, after a few minutes thinking about this,,my answer would be NO. I would not take my children to see him. Later in life if they ever questioned me I would say I felt it was in their best interest - which as the mother you have a right to do.


    Answer by meooma at 11:54 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • How old are your kids now? If they are old enough to explain who this guy is then maybe let them make the decision.

    Answer by Mom1127-0125 at 11:54 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • How old are they? You could bring it up and his situation and let them decide if they want to see him.


    Answer by booger14 at 11:54 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • They are only 8 and 6 .

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:56 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • How old are your kids now? If they are old enough, maybe you could ask them if they want to see him. I would visit your ex first, see how bad off he really is, and then make your decision.

    Answer by hootie826 at 11:56 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would probably take them. Explain to them whats going on. Kids understand a lot more than one might think. My dad died of cancer and we hadn't spoken in a year. But I still went back to see him and talked to him. It was hard. But I don't regret it.

    Answer by Shaken1976 at 11:58 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would let him see them but explain to your ex that he can't hug the kids or do anything to freak them out. My ex doesn't see our daughter much, maybe once every 5 years or longer and he knows not to hug her or expect her to tell him that she loves him. If you don't take them, they may hold it against you. My daughter has never willingly given her dad anything for fathers day, he will never walk her down the aisle when she gets married, but she will be ok.

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 11:59 AM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would speak to a therapist or their counselor at school. They can give you better advice and help you talk with your kids if you choose to tell them. Maybe let the kids together speak with the therapist/counselor alone to discuss their feelings about this.

    Answer by cassey.e at 12:09 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • as much as i would hate him if i were in your shoes, i think i'd take them for their sake. talk to them, kids really do understand more than you think. use the school counselors for help in communicating with them, and no one is asking you to pretend like you forgive him. it's bad enough he walked out on them when they were young, they may want to have had the chance to meet him so they dont have that unresolved issue to of never having had the chance to see him before he passed away. good luck. i'd tell him to hold back on the emotion to not scare them, and maybe even write them each a letter (apology or whatever else,), take pictures, the whole 9 yards. whether they want them later on or not is up to them but you did everything you could to give them peace of mind.

    Answer by Mrs.L.Mita at 12:16 PM on May. 3, 2011

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