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Would you ask your husband to leave until he learned how to grow up and be a man and then come home?

I love my husband very much and he is just transitioning out of the military and we have a 5 month old. My husband was staying at home with her while I came back to work, his choice, he was going to do this till he found a job. Well he is having a hard time finding a job in his field and although he is getting unemployment I dont want him to rest on that. He gets stressed easily and so I had to put my daughter in day care for half days in order for him to destress for 4 hours  day, so he can do homework, he is going to school at night, and be able to clean up the apartment a bit and have time for himself. He plays video games, still needs time in the evenings to do homwork, isnt actively looking for a job and thinks its below him to accept any job even if it helps us keep food on the table and I don't know how to reach him to get him to understand I need help. I have told him on more then one occassion and I don't want a divorce. I want him to in a sense "man up" and do what he needs to do to help take care of our daughter as I am bending over backwards to give him time so he doesnt stress so he can be a better father to our daughter, time to himself, which the only time I get is at work, or if I run errands on my way home from work. I feel like I am bending over backwards to make this relationship work and no matter how I approach the sitution, nice and calm, or an ultimatium, he tries for a little while and then slips back into the old routine.

So would you ask your husband to move out, go back to his Mom's house or get his own place for a bit so he can figure out what his priorities are and to learn how to be the man I married and the one who wants to help stand up and take care of our daughter?

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vjquinlan

Asked by vjquinlan at 12:53 PM on May. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 3 (13 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • 08 and I told him that same thing. He had to prove that he could make it on his own, support himself and be a man. Another long story short... I haven't heard from him in over a year.
    SassySue123

    Answer by SassySue123 at 12:58 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • This is obviously my opinion and I really don't want to offend anyone. BUT.....Yes, I would and have told my husband to leave until he grows up. I WOULD NEVER let our children go to daycare while he is at home. Do you get to put her in daycare while you are home/or would you ever? NO. Time to put the video games away and be a man/dad. Sounds like your doing all on your own anyway so why have him there?
    Momto2beauties

    Answer by Momto2beauties at 12:59 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would most definately ask him to do so. If you've talked and pleaded with him and he just won't listen or try, then maybe he'll wake up and relize when you and your daughter aren't there, what he's missing. You shouldn't have to be stressed like a "single" parent if your not, and eventually if he continues to not contribute it's going to affect your relationship in not a good way. You have to think of yourself and your daughter first.
    supermom_29

    Answer by supermom_29 at 1:02 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • I know I shouldn't, but I assume you've tried to discuss this with him already? So telling him to leave won't be blind siding him? Do you think though going back to "mommy" will make him be a more responsible man? I do understand the needing to adjust from release from active duty. In the military you don't really get the chance to think for yourself, you are pretty much told what to do and how to do it, I'm speaking from experience. Have you tried making the "honey-do" list for him? It might sound rediculous, but he's used to a routine and being told what to do. So I don't think subtle hints will do anything any good. GL
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 1:03 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would not do that just yet. What I would do is set some boundaries along with consequences for not regarding them and try that approach for a while. If you need help doing this or understanding the importance of doing it, get yourself a copy of BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It may be that, in the end, you will have to ask for a separation, but I would make that the absolute last resort. Remember that your husband is accustomed to the military where the boundaries are very strict and one has no choice but to finish the assigned tasks as ordered. You can't order your husband to do anything, but you can set some parameters that require him to get certain things done every day. You can start by taking your daughter out of daycare and putting her back in your husband's care since he has not used the time you gave him for the benefit of the family. The book will help you know what to do!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:08 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • i think yesmaam is right. i can tell my man to get his empty bottle off the coffee table and watch him go put it on the kitchen counter instead of in the trash. lol. maybe he needs more specific directions ; ) being out of military, in school and having a small child is an adjustment. maybe he dont know where to start? good luck!
    ThatBoysMom

    Answer by ThatBoysMom at 1:10 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • I think the military gave him purpose and pride in himself. It is an environment with continual reinforcement. He doesn't have that now and his failure to find a good job is probably made him really discouraged. I gather he didn't have a security clearance in the military b/cause a job would be his almost instantly if he had one in the Department of Defense, NSA, CIA etc. I think he's going to school to increase his job options. 2 grad school classes is full load, a lot of time is needed for study. It is probably quite an adjustment for him to return to civilian life, unable to find a job in his field. His remnant military pride may urge him to hold out for a good job not pizza delivery or fast food. Give it time at least until the unemployment ends. Having his help if you get sick/car breaks is superior to none, which you may encounter if you separate. Help him now as he did for you when he was in the military.
    flightless

    Answer by flightless at 11:58 AM on May. 4, 2011

  • My sister did a couple times, but you should remember there is no guarantee he will or that he will come back.
    You might want to work it out together first.
    MyMyOhMy

    Answer by MyMyOhMy at 1:48 PM on May. 4, 2011

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