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2 Bumps

How can I get DH to like our baby's birthmom?

DH doesn't like our baby's birthmom. He resents that she made our adoption so expensive and used the money for her own personal habits, instead of living expenses etc. He thinks she saw the adoption as a way to make money and not as finding a better home for her baby.   I just think she wanted a better life for our baby and maybe she saw the money as just a side benefit. How can I convince DH?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:58 PM on May. 3, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (14)
  • is this an open adoption?
    TiffanieK

    Answer by TiffanieK at 7:00 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • Do you have to see her often? If not then I guess you don't need to convince him, I can understand his view points but perhaps tell him that even if he suspects fowl play he should always respect this woman because she gave him the gift of a baby and no matter what her reasons that's always an incredibly hard thing to do.
    aishanabuaisha

    Answer by aishanabuaisha at 7:00 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • Semi-open. He always gets real quiet and unhappy when I buy gifts for her. He is not grateful to her. He doesn't think she gave us our baby. He thinks she sold our baby to us because of how everything happened.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:25 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • I would just explain to him that giving up a baby is really hard and sometimes people need monetary gifts in exchange to help them deal with it. I know it would take a lot for me to give a baby up and while getting money/gifts doens't make up for it, it probably helps HER. You know?
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 7:30 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • Birth mother expenses should be just that. They should only be maternity expenses that you would have had to pay had you been that was pregnant such as maternity clothes, medical expenses, living expenses while she is unable to work due to her pregnancy. (Of course if she doesn't have the same medical insurance or maternity leave privileges then her expenses would be more than yours and you have to compensate her for that.) If there has been money exchanged for anything else that would be baby selling/buying and that is illegal.

    So what personal habits does your husband say she spent your money on? Does he also dislike the agency for the money they charge? Give us more details and maybe will can help.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:57 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • He hates the agency even more. He hates everything about adoption except for our baby. He thinks adoption is baby selling even though he knows that it is best for our baby to be with us and he would pay it all again tomorrow for our baby. He even said that he wished more of the money we paid went to our baby's birthmom and less to the agency. It is not illegal to give the birthmom money for other things if the agency can find a judge to sign off on it. The birthfather was charging stuff to us even after the adoption. The birthmom got a big pile of money charged to us after she signed the papers. The agency said she did it to give a better life and not for the money, even though they said that she never bonded with our baby at all. I know that she didn't do it for the money. I don't know how I know, I just do maybe because I am a mom now. DH doesn't like her or respect her. I wish he would change his mind.

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:10 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • It does kind of seem weird that you were giving BMom money for things other than the accepted expenses. I can't even imagine what BDad would be needing money for...especially after placement. If it were me, I'd stop giving any monetary gifts to any of the BFamily. While being thankful and appreciative is natural, don't mistake that as believing they gave you a gift in the form of a baby.

    Nevertheless, I'm not sure how long ago placement was, but the first few months are hard and emotional even for the AParents. You don't have to agree with them, but respect his feelings. That would probably include no longer giving either BParent gifts, or maybe switch it to a basket of flowers instead of something "extravagant." If he already feels taken advantage of financially, any continuation very well may keep that wound opened. He will have to work through them before he can ever have a good honest relationship with the BParents.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:13 PM on May. 3, 2011

  • Well then, if your husband thinks Adoption is baby selling, does he accept his part in it? He is the buyer, the one creating the demand. Does he get that?

    Your daughters birth mother was entitled to living expenses after birth up until her maternity leave was over and she was cleared by a doctor to go back to work. LOL this isn't a 3rd world country..women aren't expected to give birth in the rice fields and carry on working. Were there things other than living expenses that she asked for money for?

    At the end of the day, your husbands attitude towards your daughters birth mother will hurt your daughter. My sons adoptive parents "hold me in a special place of their hearts" they love me and I love them. This really helps my son because there's no push/pull between me and his aparents. If your husband doesn't respect her birth mom and thinks she's a money digger, she's going to pick up on that and take it upon herself.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:33 PM on May. 4, 2011

  • Oh sorry I missed that the birth father, not the mother, that was the one "charging things to you". Unless is was grief therapy, which you are responsible for, what possible things could he want?
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:35 PM on May. 4, 2011

  • DH and I did not create any demand for anything. Our baby was available for adoption before the birthmom even met us or knew about us. The birthmom asked for more money after she signed the papers. It wasn't for maternity leave because she doesn't work. Our lawyer said it would of been illegal, except that the agency found a judge to put it in a order and there is an exception for babyselling in the criminal law if a judge signs off on it. We would of done anything to keep our baby and so we paid it and she was happy. I talked to DH about it more and he says he is afraid that they will take advantage of our baby when she gets older but before she is old enough to know better. He doesn't care if they are close as long as it is good and sincere and not a way to take advantage of her. I have to find a way to get DH to think about trusting the birthmom after everything that has happened.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:06 PM on May. 4, 2011

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