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Please help with suggestions for my unruly daughter

We have a family of 6, and kids range from 12-7. My oldest daugher 10 has lots of emotional issues, anger issues, and she disrespects me when I ask her to do something. She has lots of problems in school as well.

I have a heart of gold, and I have a hard time following thru, becasue I see she is hurting. At the same time I realize if I don't nip it in the but I am going to have more problems when she is older.

My fiance I think is sometimes too hard on her and consentrates only on the bad things.

For instance, yesterday she came home from school and she plops on the couch. she had her school bag and her jacket with her. One of the roules in our house is that you hang up your sruff right away after you walk into the door. SO asked her to hang it up, she said I will. I step in and ask her to do it now. She says to me I will just wait, I said no, please go do it now. She just sits there and ignors me. I begin to count and then she gets up and stomps her feet and goes to do it.

Later that evening my SO and I talk, he said you really have to make sure she listens to you the first time you ask her. I said ok, so what should I do, he said well she should be punished for not listening. So how many chances do I give her? What should the consequences be? I did tell her that if she does not listen she will not be going to dinner with us, that is when she got up along with my counting.

?

She also wrote me a letter and told me she had a bad day, kids were picking on her at school. I went to talk with the counsalor, at school this am, she said she did have a very rough day. I said I think at lot of times kids do that cause she bully's them. At least that is what my SO thinks.

I am just having a hard time trying to figure out how to have her pick up her room, bathe, and just listen when I ask her to do anything. She picks on the other kids in our house and argues with them.

any suggestions?

Answer Question
 
lovemamma

Asked by lovemamma at 11:12 AM on May. 5, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 5 (86 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I am going to be bluntly honest with you.. you should have started a consistent discipline program back when she was barely old enough to understand.  You cannot be their friend, you cannot be soft.  You have to stand firm, and let them know you are the adult and you make the rules.  She is walking all over you.  However, the good thing is, it's not too late.  Do it now before she gets too much older, or you will have no control.  Lay down your rules.  Don't give her any chances.  If she misbehaves, enforce your discipline of choice.  Get tough.. parenting is NOT for wimps!  If she gives you too much grief and she runs to her room and slams the door, take the door off the hinges... Just remember, it's your house, your rules!  Stand Firm!

    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 11:16 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • For one thing, don't you ever come in and just want to plop for a few minutes before you do anything, including putting your stuff away? I know that I do. It would have been different had she gotten up and left her stuff on the couch. So I think perhaps part of the problem may be that because she is having problems, too much pressure is being applies where it might be relaxed just a bit. The other thing is that I wonder if she doesn't have some resentment toward your friend who is giving her orders. I don't know about that, but I do think it could be a possibility. Children who have adverse feelings about one thing often transfer them to other areas where they feel they have more control, so you might just think about that possibility.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:19 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • I understand that, but is it always good to be so negative all of the time. She is hurting I think... I do want her to respect other adults and she is not doing that, she rolls her eyes and stuff, but then she will be loving and write thank you notes, and says sorry. I guess I need to quit making excuses, but I don't want her to always be yelled at either, i don't think that is healthy. I have no idea what forms of dicipline to use...?
    lovemamma

    Comment by lovemamma (original poster) at 11:20 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • Nanny B,

    yes I believe there is resentment there, and I guess I don't think it was that big of a deal either about her jacket she was sitting on it and yes I do come home and just leave my purse sit on the table and eventually put it away. But my SO asked her to do something and I need to respect him and back him up don't I? Later when we talked we did get into a disagreement ourselves when the kids were fast asleep and I told him that I did not see the big deal, but he said rules are rules....

    Like I said she needs to have rules but I don't agree with constantly scoulding or yelling at kids, I think it will only make things worse, but at the same time she needs to respect adults.
    lovemamma

    Comment by lovemamma (original poster) at 11:25 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • i agree with nannyb. i lived with a stepmother & stepfather who nitpicked on everything i did. its hard enough as it is growing up becomming a teenager dealing with hormones & boys & friends & etc., then add the fact that you come from a broken home where your parents arent together, then you have someone who is not your real parent giving you orders on every little thing they possibly can. Is it really that big of a deal if she sat on the couch for a few minutes before she hung her stuff up after a long day at school? of course you and your fiance need to work together but hes not always right, and she is just a kid. let her be a kid while she still can!!! shes only 10 yrs old!! it def sounds like there is too much pressure on her to be perfect. i think that you and her need some alone time, something fun like shopping and dinner or getting your hair done etc. time for you guys to talk and make her feel special
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:36 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • and possibly some counseling would be good and maybe you could ask your fiance if just for the time being he could back off alittle bit and let you do the disciplining. instead of punishing, why dont you try positive reinforcment? tell her if she does really good and listens for the week, she will get something special that you know she wants.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:37 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • Thank you PURPULbutterfly,
    ,
    I agree with you, I just don't like dissagreeements with my Fiance, and he is soooo hard, and I told him that, she has had lots of improvements over the past year, She is in counsaling both in school and private, she is on meds for anxiety/depression and ADHD, and they have helped alot. I think he gets frustrated becasue she is always talking back to me, and bullying the other kids in our house hold. I want her to listen, and I want to please him at the same time. Maybe the jacket thing was not the best example to use, cause there are many more instances but some things I don't think are that big of a deal. Any postivie consequences for not followig house rules or talking back?
    lovemamma

    Comment by lovemamma (original poster) at 11:44 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • There's a medium. You didn't need to step in and tell her "do it now" the instant he said it; that honestly set her up to resist more. Give her two or three minutes, and REMIND her. Remind her again in a few minutes. And then again in a few minutes. On the third reminder, give a consequence that means something.

    If you are going to demand she put things away the instant she walks through the door, you and fiance must do it as well. If YOU don't do it, she will feel SHE doesn't have to... and she'd be correct. Standards apply to all... but there NEEDS to be flexibility.

    Yes, counseling. You and fiance have found an issue and you need to be in sync.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:46 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • "I just don't like dissagreeements with my Fiance, and he is soooo hard, and I told him that, she has had lots of improvements over the past year, She is in counsaling both in school and private, she is on meds for anxiety/depression and ADHD, and they have helped alot. I think he gets frustrated becasue she is always talking back to me, and bullying the other kids in our house hold. I want her to listen, and I want to please him at the same time."

    HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!! If he cannot be flexible with a child like this, he should NOT be promoted to husband... and possibly be DE-moted to EX.

    He needs to focus on how to help you. COUNSELING... TODAY!
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:47 AM on May. 5, 2011

  • i think it would really help for you to have some alone time with here. i really think you should plan a little dinner date or something like that, just you and her, and ask her how shes feeling about you and your fiance and school and everything and just really listen to her, have a good mother and daughter heart to heart.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 12:07 PM on May. 5, 2011

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